Epiphany

A few days back, a conversation with an elderly acquaintance got me thinking about something, that I do not really like to think about these days - God!

Our discussion started with dead bodies of people, or saints – who do not decompose! Now, I have seen two such bodies so far – one in Goa, and another one in Sacile. I do realise that stuff like this quite bewildering to many, but I have never bothered to give it any thought. Anyhow, our conversation continued and we ended up discussing about the monuments that have been built to honour some of the saints. And that is when I mentioned to him about me having visited a few of them.

The next day, I was browsing through some of the old photographs on my computer and I ended up staring at a picture – of St. Mark’s Tomb. I paused briefly, before I continued with my random search for nothing. A little later, I stopped when I stumbled upon another picture – this one of St. Luke’s Tomb.

And that is when it struck me!

If these tombs exist, it means that they existed too! And they were Jesus’ disciples! So it means Jesus must have existed too, right?!

And I had always thought that the Bible was one big story book!

Oh crap!

In a way, I kind of felt a little dumb to have taken so much time to figure this out!

PS: In case you think that this little discovery has made me all religious – hopes you have!

I shared this with a friend and he gave me the most logical explanation ever – it only means that there was a man named Jesus, and that is about all there is to it!

Duh! I think I already mentioned that I felt dumb, right?!

Pursuit of Perfection

Although I hate to admit it – I am a perfectionist! And this attribute of mine, I lately realised, is not doing much good to me.

So the other day when a few of us friends were discussing about perfection, I so had to pitch in and put forth my opinion. At the end of it, I kind of got a lecture that actually made a lot of sense. All in all, I figured that if I looked for perfection in everything, I was sure going to be disappointed. Another lesson was that absolute perfection is uninviting.

Um, but what if you have experienced perfection earlier and you do not want to lower your standards?

My First!

Uh, I kind of planned to write about the changes this year has brought upon me a little later this month – but I suppose writing about this a couple of weeks early would not hurt anyone!

The one thing that I do drastically different these days is the way I ride my bike! At one time, I used to be among the safest riders on the road – ensuring that I follow every traffic rule, and stay within the specified speed limits. In fact, I used to lecture other guys to ride decently! Nowadays, the tables have turned, and these very guys lecture me! And a few people who have seen me ride have refused to ride the pillion with me!

Anyhow, I was riding back from office this evening, and needless to mention, I was riding very fast. Of course, I spotted the boards specifying the speed limits as I zipped by them. Actually, when you have one every three-hundred metres, you can not miss them, even if you want to! There was not a soul ahead of me, and I was completely enjoying the ride!

Alas, the joy was short lived! There were traffic cops ahead with their interceptor vehicle, and I knew that they had already got me on their camera when I spotted them! I do not exactly know how fast I was riding at that instant, but I do know that my bike does wonders, when in the fifth gear, and with the throttle fully open! I braked as hard as I could, knowing very well that it would not be of much use! As expected, I was stopped as I reached the vehicle.

Cop: You were over speeding.

I just nodded my head in acceptance.

Cop: The fine for over speeding in Rs. 300.

Me: Alright.

I think the cop guy was a little surprised by my absolute lack of acting surprised, or arguing with him! Fact is, I knew I was riding almost twice as fast as the limit, and I had no chance in hell to get out of this! And besides, I was in a real hurry to get to someplace!

Cop: Can I see your driving licence?

I gave it to him, and he directed me to another cop – with his flashy Blackberry. I paid up 300 bucks, and I got my receipt for my offence – complete with my name, bike registration number, and blah. Funny thing is, the cop was courteous enough to say ‘thank you’ when I paid up! I suppose replying ‘you are welcome’ was not quite appropriate, and instead chose to keep my mouth shut!

I was reminded of the incident where my friend was caught for over speeding, and ironically, it perhaps was the same spot!

So there you go, I got my first traffic violation ticket! I am sure all you guys believe that I deserved this; even I do!

Sad part is – I was over speeding the very minute I took off from the place!

Somebody stop me!

Silver Lining!

This could be my shortest blog-post ever! And the idea of writing all this bull crap here is to make it look bigger than what the content actually is! Am I good or what?!

Anyway, you know what? Lately, I have been expelling air out of my lungs, more by means of coughing than I actually have done by exhaling! Yeah, that is how sick I am!

But the optimist that I am, all this coughing is kind of strengthening my stomach muscles, and I can boast of six-pack abs very soon!

Hurrah!

Cough!

Origin-al Fire!

The region of my origin has been a source of wide speculation for quite a few people I know. Although I find it quite strange, I must confess that it has been very entertaining, at times! Here are few incidents.

Scene I

Somebody once told me that I look like a farmer, hailing from Rajasthan! When I stared back at him, totally puzzled – he gave me some sort of a weird explanation about my shoulders and waist, that makes little sense to me – even now! Anyhow, at that time I had a crush on this cute Rajasthani chick, and I had thought that I looking like a farmer dude would help my cause! But thinking about it now, I guess there are no farms, or for that matter, farmers in Rajasthan! And damn, maybe that guy was gay! And in case you are really interested – that chick is long gone!

Scene II

A girl, who had won herself a holiday in Egypt, returned and told me that I look so much like an Egyptian. The reason for her comment, I figured, was my untrimmed goatee. So I asked her is it because Egyptian men kept goatees similar to mine? She replied in the negative and said that it was because my goatee kind of resembled the one on the Sphinx! I trimmed my goatee short that very evening! And if I remember right, at least a couple more guys have branded me as an Egyptian, all thanks to my goatee! And no – I do not trim my goatee short every time I get to hear this comment now!

Scene III

I had this friend from Pakistan, who was manning this telephone booth, in Italy. I used to spend quite sometime speaking with him, and a few of his customers – who came from various parts of the world. A lot of people from the sub-continent used to visit his shop, and I used to converse with them in Hindi. (Yes people, I do know Hindi! I just do not feel the necessity to speak in it though!) Anyhow, one fine day at the telephone booth, I met this guy and he seemed like he was a guy from Delhi.

Me: Are you from Delhi?

He: No, I am from Lahore.

Me: Oh? You look and speak like you are from Delhi, so I thought you are from there. (And this is coming from me – who has never visited Delhi!)

He: Okay, so where are you from?

Me: Bangalore.

He: Oh? And I thought you were from Pakistan! You look so much like a Pakistani!

Scene IV

I do not know if it is just me, but have you ever noticed that your photograph on the visa looks so different, from the photograph you submitted in the application for it? I wonder what those guys do with it! Anyway, a couple of my friends who got to see one such photograph told me that I looked like an Arab! Well, I hope you get the point! And I blame it on the wicked looking goatee again!

Scene V

Once while I was discussing about this very thing with a group of friends, one of them told me that I actually looked like a Mauritian! Ha! I guess, well over half the Mauritian population is Indian, so maybe this dude got a little confused!

Scene VI

I got to learn that a few people in office used to call me an Iranian, but I guess it was more a sort of a nickname than anything else. The one thing that I want to point out here is – I never felt offended about all this. Except for this one time when a bunch of colleagues came by my seat and started wishing me for Onam!

Nice Guys Finish Last!

I was speaking with a friend a little earlier in the evening, and she reminded me of how nice I was!

I am sure you guys are in shock after reading the previous line! I was in shock too when she told it! Come on - now that is something like an oxymoron, right?! Me, and nice?! No way!

Well, it is not that I try not to be nice or anything; nor do I have anything against these so called nice guys. It is just that, there are a lot of hassles if you are considered as a nice guy. You are always expected to be, you know - nice!

Now, that should not be too difficult, right?

I have absolutely no idea!

Think about it – back in school if you were considered as a nice guy, you were expected to behave, and be a role model for the rest of your classmates. Ha, if you were to ask my classmates, or for that matter, my teachers about what they thought of me - I am sure they would all collectively agree, without a shadow of a doubt, that they thought I would someday end up in prison! Not their fault – back then, even I had thought that I would!

Anyhow, coming back to my point - just in case, you do anything, that is remotely unacceptable in the nice world, you would be damned. People would look at you like you need to be banished or something. They would probably say – Oh, I did not expect this from a guy like you. Not just that, even if you continue doing nice things, but if it is not as good as the previous nice thing you did, you would still be screwed! Get the point? Expectations are always very high (and rising), and you would have to live up to it. What a waste of time living your life satisfying others expectations!

On the other hand, consider that you are branded as a bad guy. People do not mind when you do evil things. They are like, totally okay with that. That is what they expect you to do! In fact, even a random act of kindness, or more to say, not-niceness gets you brownie points! So, you are appreciated for doing something neutral! Now that, is wonderful, right?

Anyhow, since I am considered to be a nice guy, I do know I have a few troubled days coming up ahead - and I am bracing myself for the ride!

A picture is worth a thousand words

Like I had mentioned yesterday, here are the pictures from the trip. Have a look!

First stop at the fuel station. I thought they had tanked up, but just figured that they filled up only for a hundred bucks!

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Breakfast. It can not get cheaper than this!
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Banyan tree, right?----------------------------------------------------------------------

Argh!----------------------------------------------------------------------

Clock tower, and the road leading to it!

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This is one of the best roads we got to ride on!
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Abandoned ant-hill!
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Graveyard! Notice the freshly covered grave on the right!

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Beetle guy!

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No comments!

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Just before we rode into the eucalyptus plantation

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Oh shit! Notice the silver lining on the outside? We thought it was fungus! What do you think?

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In the plantation!

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In the trench!

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Big weird bird! Actually if you look a little closely, you can notice the dragonflies, and houseflies too!

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Bird food!

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Cornfield! And that is our photographer dude!

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Tada!

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Sharing cholesterol!

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Mine!

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Wondering if we should climb it!

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Remember I told you there are a lot of things you can do in a mine?!

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On our way to the lake!

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Mowgli guy!----------------------------------------------------------------------
Curtains down!

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Road Trip To Wherever The Road May Lead!

While I was working in Italy last year, my friend and I travelled to a new place, on every single weekend or a holiday that we got! And quite a few of those were not pre-planned at all. We would just go to the train station and buy ourselves a ticket to a place, to which the next train was headed to! At that time, I contemplated doing the same once I got back home – traveling during the weekends, that is! But sadly, it never really took off. Thinking back now, I guess I have actually visited more places in Italy, than I have visited in India – although I was in Italy for only three months!

I was speaking to a few friends about this very thing yesterday, and it certainly got things rolling. In an instant, six of us guys decided to take our bikes and ride to some random village today! So this blog post, is precisely about this trip!

So, the plan was to start off at 6:30 in the morning, and ride towards Kothanur. We had no particular place to visit, and had decided to stop by at any place, or thing, or whatever that caught our attention, or amused us! That was the plan anyway!

While I called up the guys at 6:30, to check if they had started, no one (except one) answered the phone. Half an hour later, I found out that they were all still sleeping! So much for the planning!

So I suppose you guys are saying “oh crap”, in synchrony with me!

Fortunately, this is a little different from my other ‘sad-but-true’ stories! These guys sleeping did not mean the end of the trip, but merely a delayed start! We were more than an hour late, and a guy short; but we still were going! (And very strangely, I did not abuse these guys for being late! That is very unlike me, but I guess I should leave it for another post!)

First stop was at a fuel station to tank up for the journey. And one of the guys started off with an exhibition of his photography skills at the fuel station itself. Next stop was for breakfast. I am not too sure why, but we had decided to have our breakfast only at a place that fit into a village scenario. A guy selling stuff in a push-cart matched the criteria we were looking for, and it was, by far, the cheapest breakfast I have had in the last twenty odd years! And our camera guy took so many pictures of us eating, which would even put a very experienced (and very annoying) wedding camera guy to shame! Man, I wonder why those guys shoot people eating!

We were back on the road after our cheap breakfast, but stopped again within the next kilometre to pose for some more pictures next to a cool-looking tree. Actually speaking, it was more of a stump of a tree! There still is a debate on whether the tree was a banyan, or a peepal - but who the fudge really cares?! A little further down, we took a deviation into something that looked more like a joke, than a road! The aim was to get away from civilisation! And I think it was the single most awesome thing we did! We ran into a bunch of kids going some place with flowers and stuff. Can you imagine me, standing next to a bunch of kids with flowers?! Well, I have a picture to prove it!

We bid the kids goodbye, and got back on the road, if you can call it that! Soon, we hit a patch, where this non-existent road too seemed to disappear! Our stranded situation, sort of, attracted the attention of a few of the locals around there. And since I was the only guy in the lot who knew Kannada, I had quite a lot to understand! These people convinced us to go off-road, and that is exactly what we did! Oh, this stretch of about two hundred metres was amazing! We had to dodge bushes, and stones, and crap – while trying to still stay in balance!

Back on firm ground, it was time for more pictures. We found some cool looking ant hills, and a clock tower! Moving on, we came across a graveyard. Of course, we had to stop there! If not for a few people passing by, we would have lied down on the grave to pose for a few pictures! Damn those people! And yeah, we found a piece of bone by the grave, which we kept with us as a souvenir!

Just a little ahead, we found a plantation of eucalyptus trees. After a little fooling around, and trying to figure out our exact location using GPS, which by the way, was not one bit helpful, we decided to ride our bikes through the plantation! After a while, better sense prevailed, and we got out of it! Going ahead, we took another deviation (oh yes, another one!) into something that looked like a trench! I have never seen a bigger collection of houseflies, butterflies, and dragonflies in one location before this! Added to this, were the kites and eagles – they looked big enough to carry one of us and fly away! And oh, our camera guy between all this, took a picture of a beetle, a millipede and some crap we found there!

We got out of the trench and we were back on the road again. We paused briefly by a cornfield to snack on some stuff that probably contained more fat and cholesterol, than anything else! We tried to share some of it with a dog that came by, but it ran away as fast as it could - like we posed great danger to its life! Probably the dog was a little more concerned for its health than we were for ours!

The road we were now on looked like it would lead us into a jungle, but alas – it led us to a hostel building, and that too, in which a friend stayed! Talk about coincidence! It was almost like a Hindi movie type meeting! Anyway, this also served as a much needed pit stop for us!

We were back on the road again, this time an asphalted one, for a change! We took another deviation off it, and were on bumpy terrain soon. This road was absolutely horrendous. We were beginning to think that we had made a mistake by choosing to head this direction, but then – we found a stone quarry! Although I have been to many mines before, never have I been to one on a bike! In no time, we were riding down into the quarry! It was back to some more photography inside the mine!

After doing everything that can be possibly done in a mine, we got out of it! Just for your information, we figured that there are far too many things you can do inside a mine! And I tried my hand at getting a few wheel-spins on the bike and I think I did great! By now, it was almost noon, and the sun was kind of taking its toll too. We had to get back into a decent road, but chose not take the way back we came, just for some more adventure! Fortunately, we did find a decent road that we recognised, and headed back home! On the way back, we decided to take a shortcut, and that kind of added more flavour to our little adventure!

At this time, all were set to head back home, but the sight of a lake changed all that. One of the guys had to leave, so we ditched him and headed to the lake! The path to the lake was probably not even fit to be traversed by foot, but we guys rode our bikes on it! Although the water was not very clean, the sight was pretty cool!

Funny thing is, we attracted the locals each time we stopped. This time around, it was a kid – I have no clue how old he was, but he was about three feet tall! My friend asked him if he spoke any Kannada, Hindi or Tamil, but did not get any reply. We noticed that there was a hut nearby, in which lived four adult dogs, and two pups! By the way, the dogs looked extremely well fed. And looking at the way this kid was responding, we were beginning to wonder if the kid was adopted by these dogs – kind of like this Mowgli character!

Anyway, one of my friends did manage to communicate with this kid, and they kind of got attached to each other! The kid then started doing a few tricks to entertain him! He even jumped into the lake and started doing a few swimming things that I can not explain! We gave our cholesterol rich food to the kid and to his dogs before we left the place! These dogs were more than willing to eat this food. I guess it explains why they looked well fed!

So, finally it was time to ride back home. The trip was followed by a delicious lunch, and amazing hot shower (not in a group, of course!), and a lazy laid back afternoon! It was one hell of an amazing journey and I can easily classify this as one the coolest thing I have ever done! And one thing is for certain, we are going to do this again!

PS: I wanted to post this with the pictures, but I do not have them yet. So maybe I will put them up in the next post! Until then, goodnight!

And, thank you guys!

!

Recently, a friend pointed out to me that I use a lot of exclamation marks. I am sure most of you guys are saying - duh!

Well, I do know I use a lot of them. And if you have not noticed yet, I do use a lot of commas too. And they are all there, serving their purpose. The intent of all this is to make your reading match the intensity, or passion, with which I would have narrated the incident to you! Um, I know it is quite difficult for you to understand what I mean to say, if you have never heard me speak.

Anyhow, I guess I am at my passionate best, when I am swearing! I am certain that anyone who has heard me swear will stand by that statement! For those (very unlucky!) guys, who have never heard me swear, may be reading this post would give you a little heads-up!

PS: I know I had resolved to stop swearing at the start of the year. And I must say that I was extremely successful with it - till about the last week of June. Since then, I have been swearing uncontrollably, like an absolute maniac! So I guess we all know one thing that is going to make it to my resolution list for the coming year!

Hey There Now

I think I am possessed! What else can explain my sudden inclination towards writing all mushy crap?

This is a song I wrote this evening, and that too, in under two hours flat! I had no intentions whatsoever of writing one, but it just kind of happened, while I was practising playing chord progression on the guitar. I somehow ended up with a catchy tune, and then voila! Anyhow, let me stop with the introduction right here, and start with the song already!

Remember those early days?
We were forever lost in each other’s gaze
We had so much to share
While discovering each other in many ways

But then you walked away
You said you’ve got nothing left to say
And I just stand here today
Wondering what could I have said for you to stay?

Hey there now
Didn’t you hear me calling out for you loud?
Hey there now
Didn’t you see me when you walked past by?

It’s only a matter of time
Before your temper goes away and you’ll be fine
And then I hope you’ll realise
It was as much as your fault as it was mine!

Hey there now
Didn’t you hear me calling out for you loud?
Hey there now
Didn’t you see me when you walked past by?

I think I found a lyricist for my band!

When You Are With Me

Now this is something that I had never thought I would ever do. This post is actually a song that I wrote a few weeks ago.

I must admit, I was deeply inspired by Creed while I was working on this. (Scott Stapp rocks!) All in all, it took me about a week to complete it and fit it into a melody. Oh, in case you think it is way too much time – let me remind you that I have a regular day job, and had to work on this during the limited spare time! I am a very busy guy, you see!

Anyway, here is the song.

When I was battered
You lay beside me
And you got me on my feet again
When I was cold
You wrapped your arms around me
And you kept me warm and safe

When I was lifeless
You filled my veins with your blood
And you breathed your life to me
When I was homeless
You let me stay in your heart
And you taught me how to dream

I do believe
I could do anything
When you are with me
I do believe
We could do anything
When you are with me

With you beside me
I fear no one
'Cause I'm protected by your love
In you I find my
Strength and purpose
To live my life the way it should be

I do believe
I could do anything
When you are with me
I do believe
We could do anything
When you are with me

So would you please
Stay here with me
And show me how to live?

And yeah, just in case if you are wondering as to who this song is about – um, would you believe me if I said Jesus?!

No?!

I thought so!

Oh Crap!

Warning: The following post contains a lot of crap! Read at your own risk!

You know what? I am bored with all the crap that I have been writing here. Like come on, does anybody still read this crap? (As far as I know, I think just two guys still read it!) And yeah, speaking of crap, here is something that I want to share.

I first had this thought a few days back, and I somehow happened to discuss about it with a few friends today too. So, I might as well get all you guys (or perhaps the two of you) enlightened! And the thought is this:

No matter who you are, what you do, where you are from; you are all eventually going to end up as poop!

Seriously! Do you not believe me?

Sad!

Fine, may be I just have to prove it to you then! What exactly do you think is going to happen once we die?

Okay, stop it – I am not talking about going to heaven or hell! From what people tell me – I think I have no chance in hell, to make it to heaven! But I guess it would be quite an experience to meet Saint Peter at the gates of, uh, whatever! Ah, I am digressing!

So coming back to the topic, what exactly happens with our dead body?

Some of us may be buried, some of us may be cremated, and the lucky few – fed to birds!

And then what do you think is going to happen? Of course, anyone in the last category would very quickly realise that they are going to end up as bird crap!

Strike one!

Now the buried guys are going to decompose too, right? And from whatever little science I could grasp way back in school, I figure the process involves being consumed by tiny creatures. And once they eat – you are going to end up as their shit!

Strike two!

Now, the process with the cremated guys is a little complicated. Of course, the only stuff that remains after the incineration is ash. The ash is then disposed off in a river, or maybe even buried. Well, I suppose some fish does fancy eating ash. If not fish, I am sure there must be someone who would eventually eat you. Even if buried, you may be absorbed into the soil and blah, but you see, I can prove that you too would end up as crap, sometime or the other. I just do not want to bore you with all the technical crap, and scare you (two) away too!

So there you go – Strike three!

See, in the end, it all comes down to crap!

PS: I know that the lines at the start of my theory are like an absolute rip-off from a Backstreet Boys song; of course, with out the poop part! That is because I initially planed to write something silly about them, but I changed my mind! But just in case you still listen to them - you seriously should grow up!

Woof-woof!

I set out to write about this little thing that happened in office today, but I guess I’d rather not! (Hah, pretty neat idea for a build up, isn’t it?!) Well, it was only recently that I figured out that most guys in office think of me as some kind of a saint; and I am in no hurry to have them change their opinion! (Instead, I guess I should share something that makes me look cooler!)

A couple of months ago, a pup happened to land up at a friend’s place, and this is what she had to tell about the happening.

She: We were awoken from our sleep because of some squeaking sounds. At first I thought it must be a mouse. A little later, the noise got louder, and I thought it must be a cat. The noise still kept getting louder, and I thought it could be a pup and decided to check it. And there it was – a pup in our balcony!

Me: Damn, you should have slept for a little longer – maybe you would have woken up and found a lion cub in your balcony!

She: Growl!

(Okay, she did not growl, but I am trying to look cooler, you see!)

Anyway, these guys could not adopt him for certain reasons, and so dropped him at the SPCA shelter, rather than just leaving him out on the street. It was definitely a nice thing to do. And yesterday, another friend helped an injured dog by calling SPCA for rescuing him.

So guys – do your part in helping the strays. Give them some food and water. Adopt a pup if possible. Else, call up SPCA or CUPA and get them sterilised. It would not cost you guys much!

And yes, you are all welcome!

How to be a South-Indian!

You know what? I think I attract stupid people; and they bring all of their stupidity along with them! I think it is God’s way of getting back at me for not going to church often! Just when I have thought that I have already met the stupidest person alive, someone new always shows up!

I was doing my stuff in office this morning, while a colleague came by. Here is what followed.

He: (Referring to my moustache) Is this a new look?

I was not in a mood for any sarcasm that early in the morning, so I just smiled back at him.

He: You now look like a South-Indian!

Me: Huh? Dude, even North-Indians have moustaches! For instance, ever heard of Punjab?!

He: No, that is not what I meant. It is just that you look like a South-Indian!

Me: Dude, I AM a South-Indian! And also, now you are being a racist!

He: No! If you do not believe me, you go and watch any of the South-Indian movies, be it Kannada, Tamil, Telugu or Malayalam; all their heroes have moustaches!

Me: Ah, I do not watch any of these movies! (Oh God, why am I even having this conversation?!)

He: You do not have to watch the movies, just go out and check out any of the movie posters!

At this stage, I had two choices – continue the conversation and be subjected to more stupidity; or just agree to whatever the crap he said and be spared!

For a change, I decided to be a little wiser this time!

Bedtime Stories!

Here is a question: what do you do in a loo? Geez, now do not get any ideas, alright?!

Well, you could take a leak; or take a crap; or maybe wash up. That is about it, right? And oh, just in case you can think any more things that you can do in a loo, then, good for you! But I sure hope, that ‘socialising’ is nowhere on that list!

Of all places, a loo is the last place for any kind of socialising. Like, come on! Unless, of course, you are a, uh, never mind! I think loos should be made like these ‘quiet zones’, like in hospitals – you walk in, do you job, and get out. Just keep your mouth shut (again unless you are a, you know)!

Anyway, there are a few guys in office, who I run into only at the loo. I swear, I have no idea where these guys sit! And these guys have to catch up on things since the last time they met you, and I so damn hate it!

The other day I was at the urinal, while this guy walked by and said, “Hey buddy, how is it going?!”

And I said, “Pretty effortlessly! Thank you for asking!” I sure hope he got it!

Now the second bunch of idiots, think that the loo is one big telephone booth! These guys can be divided into two groups – one, who actually answer their calls while at the urinal, or for that matter, while sitting on the crapper; and two (these are weirder ones), who actually walk into the loo to speak on the mobile phone! Do these guys need help, or what?

Ah, now I am kind of wondering as to why I wrote this crap, and also thinking about a suitable ending! And all I can come up with is – flush!

Goodnight!

An Airhead and Bat Crap!

The company that I work with has got pretty high standards, when it comes to recruiting its employees. So, it amazes me when I come across a few colleagues who are so dim, that even a black-hole would seem brighter in comparison!

I was attending a training program a few months back in Mysore. The bunch of colleagues who accompanied me was so boring, that I spent my spare time playing with a pup outside our guesthouse! I wished I could ignore them throughout the training duration, but then it obviously would have been a little too rude. So I joined them for a conversation during the coffee break on the second day. I should have known better.

The topic being discussed was bats – those flying fellows! Trust me, the discussion was total crap, but I just stood there among them, trying to make sense of whatever the crap that was happening there. Anyway, I somehow tolerated the absolute nonsense; until:

Airhead: Bats have only a single opening.

Me: What?

Airhead: They eat and shit through a single opening!

The sad part is; he was not joking! I, very politely, excused myself!

PS: Since these bat guys do hang upside-down, would they not be crapping all over themselves when they take a crap?!

Enlightenment!

To be honest, I have been feeling a little out of place since beginning of last month, for reasons I would rather not discuss here. I have been pissed off with absolutely everybody for no actual fault of theirs.

I have been trying hard to get myself back to track, but somehow have not been able to. But today is another day. I have not really found any answers to my problems, but I figured out that there is no point in being pissed at something that is beyond my sphere of influence. All thanks to this blog-post by Sid!

Thanks dude!

And to all the guys I have been pissed with, I really am very sorry!

Chivalry!

This afternoon, our coffee time discussion in office somehow spilled over to ‘chivalry’. I now realise it was a stupid thing for us to be discussing because, firstly, there was not a single girl in our gang, and secondly, coffee time is restricted to fifteen minutes these days, so we ought to be discussing better things!

Personally, I am not so much of a supporter of chivalry, although I do it sub-consciously, if you may please! I mean, if there is such a huge furore about guys and girls being equal, then why do girls expect us guys to be courteous towards them? I know a lot of girls (even the die-hard feminist types!) expect, or rather, demand the guys to be chivalrous! It is kind of amusing, right?! Now do not get me wrong, I have nothing against chivalry, or the guys who are chivalrous. In fact, I myself have held doors open to girls, and do help them while crossing roads, or clearing a path while walking through a crowded place.

Anyway, I think there are a few women out there who push their luck a little too far, with their expectation of guys to be courteous! I want to reiterate that I mentioned few, and not all! And I am not generalising anything either. Let me share two incidents, which affirms my above belief.

Scene I:

A friend and I were waiting in a queue at 10:15, to buy tickets for a movie that had begun at 10:00. And there were, perhaps, two guys ahead of us, and we guys were cursing them for being there! At this time, a lady with a kid walked up to us and smiled.

She: I have to buy tickets to this movie that has already started at 10:00. So would it be a problem if I get ahead of you guys?

My friend was about to let her pass us, but I had to intervene.

Me: And what do you think we are standing here for?!

She: Oh, are you guys waiting for the same movie?

Me: Yeah.

She seemed a little displeased, but then she had no option but to get behind us. My friend could not believe that I could be so blatantly rude, and pretended like he was not with me! He felt what I did was not right. Yeah, whatever!

Scene II:

I was waiting for buying lunch at the office pantry. The queue was particularly long that day. There were a few girls standing quite close to the start of the queue and one was standing right in front of me. Another girl came by, and started speaking with this girl in front of me. After a little yakety-yak she quietly slipped into the queue, without even bothering to ask me if she could!

Of course, I could not keep shut this time either.

Me: Hey, you know if you want to break into the queue, maybe you should go further up ahead and join those girls in the front. It is pointless breaking a queue and standing so far behind!

I was surprised she picked up my sarcasm! Oh, I think I now know why she stopped speaking to me!

So ladies, know where to draw the line! And yes, you are welcome!

First Impression!

Most guys who know me have varied opinion about how much I talk. That is primarily because I talk a lot with a few people, and lesser with others. But in any case, I think each one would agree that I am perfectly capable of jabbering about absolute crap! Now, I need to analyse if it is as much as a good thing, or not.

This post should be taken as a lesson in what you should not be doing, while conversing with someone, especially while it is for the first time - and more so, if that someone happens to be a girl.

One fine morning, I was walking along with this girl, whom I have an acquaintance with. Till date, the talks we have had have been quite trivial. This morning, however, it was a little different.

She: Where are you from?

Me: Mangalore.

She: Oh?

Me: Do you know where it is?

She: Yeah, it is in the coast, right?

Me: Yeah, it is.

She: Yeah.

Me: Where are you from?

She: Jabalpur.

Me: Oh?

She: Have you heard of it before?

Me: Oh yes, I have. I had this one friend from Bihar – he had this habit of abusing people with funny sounding places, like Abey Bhatinda, or Abey Gibraltar, or Abey Jabalpur!

Silence!

Me: Oops! I am sorry!

Tempered!

A few weeks ago, I had to attend this conference thingy that was happening at a place just off Airport Road. I also had to pick up a colleague from near office, and we were to go together to that place.

As planned, I picked him up on time and we started off. This place we were headed to was about twenty-six kilometres from office. And I reached that place in less than twenty minutes, in spite of the morning traffic and brief stops at multiple traffic signals! So you can do the math yourself!

Anyway, once we got off, I noticed that this guy had his hair swept back like he had been just jettisoned off an airplane or something! I was kind of curious, and so I asked him about it.

Me: Dude, what's with the hair style?

I still can not figure out as to what was so offensive in that question, but he got totally infuriated with me and yelled back: Ashwin, you don’t open your mouth!

Gee, so much for my concern!

Of late, I have been riding like an absolute maniac. I ride somewhat like these pizza-delivery guys – I get from anyplace to anywhere in under half an hour! I realise I have to do something about it. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Unplanned Trip To Nowhere

Last weekend was a lot of fun. We had planned to celebrate a friend’s birthday, and that was to be immediately followed up with a bachelor party!

Birthday celebration was accomplished by having an amazing dinner. As usual we guys sang ‘Happy Birthday’ in the most awful way possible, and we did not let this guy cut his cake until we finished the song - which of course, was lengthened to unbelievable proportions! Somehow, we forgot the birthday speech thing!

Anyhow, next up was the bachelor party – which meant a night out in the birthday boy’s place. Imagine twelve guys in one room. And now imagine ten of them really drunk! The poor groom-to-be was ragged even before the alcohol had kicked in! And that is about all I am allowed to write here about what happened to him! These guys drank from about 11:00 in the night till about 3:00 in the morning. And it was then a few of them started crashing.

Including me, there were five of us who were not willing to hit the sack. And so, we decided to go for a drive! We thought we would go for a couple of hours before we got back, but the host was kind enough to let us know that he would lock the door once we leave, and not open it until about 10:00 in the morning! So for revenge, we stole the remainder of his birthday cake on our way out!

Now, we first decided to drive to the airport, but then decided to drive towards Kolar and halt at a ‘Coffee Day’, which was supposed to be some thirty kilometres outside the city! (Frankly, I don’t understand why the choices are always airport or Coffee Day’!) Anyway, we started off on our journey! I was the obvious choice for taking the driver’s seat, for the fact that I was the only one who was not drunk. (I am sure each one in the car would have claimed that he was not drunk!) The early morning drive was simply superb! All guys were singing songs on top of their voices and added to this, was the music being played in almost full volume!

Well, we did thirty kilometres, but there was still no trace of ‘Coffee Day’. We collectively agreed that it could be a little ahead, and continued driving. We briefly stopped for a pee-break, and then we gorged on the stolen birthday cake! Also, we screamed and jumped up and down, while throwing our arms up, like little excited kids (actually, more like twisted lunatics), as each vehicle drove by us! And for some strange reason, all of us seemed pretty amused at the cloud formation in the morning sky! Soon, we were back on the road.

However, we stopped again just a few kilometres ahead to take a few pictures of, believe it or not, the clouds once again! And we guys noticed that there was a hill not too far off from where we had parked. I don’t know who suggested that we climb that hill, but the moment it was said, three guys were already on their way! I thought I did not want to be a part of that stupidity, so I stayed back with the remaining guy. We soon realised that these guys would not be returning anytime soon, and so we decided to join them!

Next minute, we were walking across someone’s field and headed to the hills. It was quite a walk to reach the base of the hill itself. It was definitely much farther away from the road than it initially seemed. It must have been just under a kilometre, just to reach the base! We posed for some photographs with a few bulls that we met on the way! Hell, we even posed for snaps in the graveyard we came across! In fact, we were standing on somebody’s tomb, and asking for directions – of course, from the guys who had started off before us, and not from the owner of the grave!

A few minutes, and a few cuts and bruises later, we finally caught up with the rest of the gang. And we got back on our expedition! We did not know where we were going; we just went on till we could go no more! The view from the top was truly amazing. I had never done anything this stupid, rather this cool, before - and I totally loved it! It was definitely better than it would have been, if we were drinking coffee in ‘Coffee Day’.

We just sat there discussing random, weird things like – ah, never mind! I wish we had carried paint with us, so that we could have left a little message to anyone who would visit that place later! Something like, ‘ASHWIN WAS HERE’! Okay, let me not be selfish, it could have been ‘WE WERE HERE’! But see, it does not sound as cool! We had to literally abuse ourselves to get off the hill. Two guys even posed with a chameleon they met on their way down!

After a while, we were back in the car. And oh, here is one other thing we did before resuming our drive. We actually lied down, in the middle of the road and got ourselves photographed! To make it more fun, we waited for the vehicles to approach us before doing this! Now that; was cool! Finally, a farmer dude chased us off! (Funny thing is, you can not see the vehicles approaching in the photograph!)

And no, we did not head back - we still had to find this ‘Coffee Day’! We drove ahead for some more time. When we still did not find it, we convinced ourselves that they have closed down the place due to the road widening work that was happening. And so, it was time to head back home. On the way back, we realised that we had overshot the ‘Coffee Day’ by some fifteen kilometres!

We had quite a story to tell to the guys when we got back. Oh I am sure all those guys were very envious of us! Come to think about it, each of us hikers had more fun than the birthday guy, and the groom-to-be, combined! And oh, did I mention we actually drove the groom-to-be’s car, and we made a total mess of it?!

Thank you guys, for the amazing time!

PS: I am so hooked on to this cloud watching thing though. I spent quite some time yesterday sitting on my terrace and watching the clouds move by! And hell, I was even looking at it while I went for a little ride in the evening!

Caution: Wide Load!

I had written this stuff about three months ago, but then had somehow decided against posting it. So why am I posting it now, you ask? Ah, I don’t know – maybe I am just pushing my luck with that Murphy dude! In any case, it kind of reiterates whatever I wanted to convey in my previous post. Anyway, here it goes.

At times, I think before I say something. But at most times, I just say whatever comes into my mind without any thinking whatsoever! Oh, you have no idea the amount of trouble that this has landed me into, but I still do not seem to have learnt anything from it. I recently read that ‘A closed mouth gathers no foot’! Maybe I should practise that, at least from now on.

I was walking through this aisle, which is just wide enough for one person to walk across, comfortably. When someone else comes in from the other side, both would have to turn to their sides, to walk across without bumping into each other. Okay, I think it would have been easier if I had just mentioned that the aisle is about three feet wide! Anyway, as you approach the exit, there is a little more space available, and thus, you do not have to turn to make space for someone to walk across. (I think I am sounding like a Hindi movie!)

So, as I was saying, I was walking through the aisle and was heading towards the exit. I was about eight feet from the exit, when this girl entered from the other side. Looking at me, she just waited there, for me to pass by. It was certainly a very polite thing to do, and I should have simply thanked her for it. But of course, considering the moron that I am, I would not have been writing this if I had just thanked her, now would I?!

Okay, now coming to the girl, she is by no means fat. Maybe a little plump, but not fat. And with me, I consider anyone who is slightly a level above anorexic, as fat! (That is just a joke! And why am I writing this here?!) Anyway, as I passed by her, I just said:

“Hey, I don’t think that I am so wide, that the two of us can not pass by at the same time!”

She just smiled back, and I got out. It was then I realised what I just did! Crap! I had affirmed to her that I was not wide! So it was all left for her interpretation! I thought may be I should run back inside and apologise. But then I was wondering if it would make it more embarrassing. (Looking at the brighter side, this is progress. It usually takes me days to figure that I have screwed up!)

Anyway, she (quite obviously!) did not speak to me for a few of days after that, but now things have changed. We only exchange smiles, and I make sure that I keep my mouth tightly shut!

PS: If you ever read this, I want you to know that I am extremely sorry about that day! And I am even sorrier for calling you plump!

More PS: Something tells me that we would probably stop smiling at each other too, if she ever reads this!

Momentary Lapse of Reason

This little incident occurred a long time ago – say about six or so years ago. (Strangely, I can remember stuff that took place ages ago, but I can not remember things that passed by in the previous hour!) Anyway, I can not seem to recall what the mess was about, but I ended up giving a piece of my mind to this girl. (Actually, I do, but I’d rather not talk about it!)

Unfortunately, circumstances demanded that we meet up again on the next day. The guys there had enough sense not to bring up this topic – all except one, that is.

A friend of her, who had absolutely nothing to do with the mess, probably thought she could be a hero, decided to confront me; and in front of everybody. (Damn, there as many commas in that sentence as there are words!)

She: Ashwin, I know it is none of my business, but I think you need to apologise to Rachael.

I could have ignored her, or just nodded my head in acceptance, and thinking about it now, probably even showed her the finger! I could - it may have been politer than what I did.

Me: Yeah, you’re right – it’s none of your business!

I have never seen her shut-up, for a longer duration.

My biggest weakness, I think, is the inability to keep my trap shut when I ought to. And obviously, my verbal diarrhoea brings along many incentives along with it.

Of course, I have messed up - again!

PS: I have never known any girl named Rachael, so get the point!

I haven’t read it!

We guys from work had planed to go watch the movie ‘Angels and Demons’ today. We had hoped that everyone from our ‘gang’ would go together, but a couple of guys did not want to join us. Here is part of the conversation that we had during our coffee break, while we were trying to convince them to join us.

Me: Dude, why aren’t you coming for the movie?

He: I haven’t read the book yet. I think I should watch it after I finish reading the book.

Me: Don’t bother. The movie is not going to be anywhere close to what the book has to say.

He: But I’d still prefer reading the book first.

Me: Listen, I was acting like you are now, when the ‘Bourne’ movies were released. The movies were like totally different. Same was the case with ‘Da Vinci Code’. I don’t think there has been any movie made, that precisely followed the book.

At this time, another guy got into the conversation and asked me this.

He: Have you watched the movie ‘Passion of the Christ’?

Me: Yeah, I did.

He: Did you like it?

Me: Yeah, kind of. But how is that connected to whatever is going on here?

He: Well, that movie did follow the book!

Me: Oh, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t read the book!

Music and Lyrics

I suppose you guys know that I am learning to play the guitar. So far, I was the only student in class, but starting today I’ve got company. So it was class as usual, until this guy asked us to write a song, and make a melody, and sing it - and all of it in like half an hour!

I was like, huh? And my new team mate looked as puzzled as myself! Anyway, we initially had thought it was a joke or something, but soon figured out that it was serious business!

So firstly, we had to pick a topic to write a song about, like say flowers, birds, animals, whatever! After a brief assessment of our current state of affairs, we chose to write a song about our situation itself! Brilliant, isn’t it?

Anyhow, here is our song – the first of many, I hope!

We’ve been asked to write a song
But I don’t know what is taking us so long
I’d thought it was as easy as playing cards
But I figure out it's damn too hard

We’ve been sitting here for an hour
And you can see that we haven’t gotten too far
So then finally we do have our little song
And to end this, we’ll say ding dong!

It took us a little under one hour to write the song, and make a melody for it. I guess it is quite good, especially considering our musical ability (or rather, the lack of it)! Anyway, I do wish to thank my team mate and fellow songwriter, for the immense support and the motivation! You rock!

Better Man!

It has been like over four months now since I have given up using profanities. Four long months! Hah! Am I good, or what?! And oh, this is in spite of the fact that all these guys around me swear so much. And not just that, they also keep provoking me into cussing all the time. However, I am still going strong!

Of course, I do recite a few incidents to people in which me, or someone else had used profanities, but I do not consider that as swearing. In a way, it is like passive smoking, you know!

Anyway, now that I am not swearing, I was thinking to myself as to why was I swearing in the first place. Strangely enough, I still do not have an answer. Maybe I was just influenced by the people around me! (Yes, right! Blame it on the other guys!)

And now, coming to another question I asked myself – does this not swearing thing make me a better person? Well, I don’t really know about that, but (although a few people would disagree) it sure has made me a quieter person!

Duh!

A friend visited home recently, and I happened to show him the jig-saw puzzle that I am working on. He was quite amazed with the work I had done, and then picked up a piece himself and said:

“Wow, this could go anywhere!”

Gee, thank you for the hint! I’ll make sure I’ll remember it!

And believe it or not, this is the second person to have told me this!

The Door

Today is a friend’s birthday. And starting today, I have decided to write a little something about my friends, on their birthdays - maybe about some stupid things they have done, or a silly trait they have. I guess this is a sure shot way to ascertain that I am left with no friends in exactly a year’s time!

So this post is about this girl I met a little over a year ago. She is an extremely funny character, always so full of energy, a complete chatter box and a maniac driver. Last year, she had reminded me about her birthday coming up, like everyday, for almost a month in advance. And in spite of it, she seemed extremely surprised when I actually wished her! (And oh, I am sure she would have killed me if I had not!)

Okay, so now coming to the stupid part (like all this wasn’t stupid enough already!) – she was, at most times, very scared to open this door. She said she used to get an electric shock every time she touched it. Yeah, like maybe the office guys had rigged the door or something, to prevent employees from leaving their seats during office hours! Now the door in question was a simple glass one, with an aluminium frame. And there was no trace of any electrical wiring within a mile of the door. So I had always felt that the electric shock thing was probably in her head!

Anyway, it had almost become like a hobby for me to watch her get through the door, and laugh at her!

So this one day I was walking to my seat, and had to open this door. I held the knob, and then – I got a jolt so bad, that I almost froze there! Forget just feeling it, I even heard it! And that is when I realised that it was static electricity! And oh, after that day, I was as scared as she used to be, when it came to opening that door!

Ah look at me; the intention of this post was to make my friend look stupid, but then, I have made myself look stupid! Well, it is after all her birthday today, and I think I ought to be nice, at least for a day!

Happy Birthday! Have a great year ahead!

Self-Motivation

Surprisingly, I get ample amount of free time these days, to do absolutely nothing. And instead of simply doing just that, I am here writing this post.

We guys at work have this little sports thing happening now. There is going to be cricket, badminton, table tennis, chess, among other things; but I am only going to be playing chess. Well, it is not like I am all that good when it comes to playing chess, nor it is like I am really bad at other sports. Actually speaking, the reason for this is quite simple - at the moment, I feel like a lazy bum!

Anyway, the last time I played chess with some serious competition was almost a year ago. So you can imagine how prepared I am for the upcoming games! And yeah, I did play a couple of games with my cousin, when he had had visited us last September, and this post is precisely about those two games!

Yeah, so we guys were just talking random stuff, when this guy spotted the chess board on my table. I think he was a bit in shock to learn that I played chess! The fact that he asked me if he could borrow it to play with his dad, reiterates my point! Anyhow, I wanted to get rid of him quick, so I gladly let him take it!

After beating his dad a few times he thought of inflating his ego, and so he asked me if I wanted to play a game. I really did not want to, but he pestered me long enough for me to finally agree. Well, as he was the guest and I the host, I tried to be nice and polite, and so - I intentionally lost the game!

Well, he should have simply shut his mouth and gone about doing his own stuff, but no – he did some sort of a weird victory dance, and then went around the entire place and told everyone about having beaten me! And he did not stop at that – he even went outside and told this to my neighbours! Can you believe that?!

He did have some learning to do, and I was more than willing to help him with it! I called him back for another game, and beat him so bad, so quick, that he went running back to his mother! And of course, I too went around the house and told everyone about beating him! Well, I did not tell my neighbours, but to compensate, I did tell about it to my dogs!

Hah, now that is motivating, right?! Yeah, now I am all charged up to beat these guys at work! So, bring it on!

And hey, have I mentioned that my cousin is eleven years old?!

Direction Control

Lately, I have been trying to do things differently, and not follow a routine. This post is a result of that experiment. There isn’t anything interesting happening at the moment, so I am writing about this incident that took place quite a while ago.

So this one day, the three of us met up for lunch. One of them is a super-hyper-active character, who has the weirdest of answers to any question that you may throw at him! Mid way this guy got a phone call. This is what followed after he hung up.

Guy 1: I am going to Coorg this weekend and meeting up with a few friends. And from there, we are going to a forest reserve. I heard that there are tigers there.

Guy 2: (obviously looking for some cheap entertainment!) What would you do if you would come face to face with a tiger?

Guy 1: If I see a tiger, I would piss on its face!

Guy 2: If you do that, I am sure you would never be able to piss again!

Me: Correction – You would be able to piss, but I guess you would loose out on direction control!

Okay, so I realise now that it would have been better off if I had just stuck on to the regular stuff. Apologies!

Unlikely Olympic Event!

At times, office can get really boring, when you are stuck doing mundane things. And when you are made to attend training classes, for three full days, every two weeks - it is simply atrocious! So you see, we guys have to get extremely creative to make our otherwise dull day a little better!

So, we three guys were walking towards the training room this morning, cursing our luck about having to attend the class. And just to spend a few more minutes outside the class, we thought of going to the loo to take a leak! (Yeah, how very interesting!)

Now, taking a leak isn’t really an entertaining moment, right? So, we guys thought of making it one! How, you ask?!

Well, we decided to have a peeing race! Yeah, you read it right – a peeing race! I must say, there was no hesitation whatsoever from any of us! We just stood in front of the urinal, called out ‘one’, ‘two’, ‘three’; and we were ready to go!

And yeah, we did enhance the winning criteria from just finishing peeing, to also washing hands, and then finally to even drying them!

In case anyone is interested to know, I finished last! Damn! I have no idea if the other guys cheated or anything, but then, who cares! It is not that there was a trophy or anything!

So, the next time you get really bored in office, you know what to do!

How to save a thousand bucks!

While I switched on the computer a little while ago, I had this little something to write about. But right then, I got this phone call. Now that I am back, I have totally forgotten about what I had planned to write. Damn, I must do something about my memory!

Anyway, since my intention was to write, I might as well do it. It would be quite easy to write about a friend, who has been extremely generous to be stupid on a number of occasions! The last time I met him he told me something so silly (or rather, scary!), that I am kind of scared to write about it. Instead, I can share another dumb thing he has done!

So, the other day I visit his place and he tells me that the display on his mobile phone is conked, and it keeps blinking on and off. After analysing the problem, he had come to a conclusion that, probably it is the data cable that is ‘loose’. After bugging him about how careless he is, I asked him to get it fixed at the service centre. (Duh, some advise that!)

Anyway, the next day I get a text message from him that read:

Guess what? I fixed my phone myself. I had to open four screws and that was it. A moron like you would have given it for service and spent a thousand bucks!

Honestly, I was quite surprised that he managed to fix the phone himself. However, I chose not to pamper his ego, and did not reply to his message.

Later that week when I met him, I noticed that he was using his older mobile phone that he had discarded some three years ago. So, I ask him.

Me: What happened to your phone? I thought you had fixed it.

He: Oh, I broke it! I have given it for service now!

What the?!

Strange as it may seem, no matter how well you think some people know you, they still have some kind of preconceived notion about you, which is so not true!

The other day I was speaking over the phone with an old friend. I had always considered him as an intellectual guy. Except for his choice of music, he seems to have the thought-process of a man, some ten years older than he is! Anyway, here is an excerpt of our conversation:

He: So how is your guitar class coming along?

Me: Quite good.

He: So, can you play in front of a girl and impress her?!

Me: Not yet. Hey! Wait a minute! That never was the reason I wanted to learn to play the guitar!

He: Okay. So, what else is new?

Me: Well, I have decided to stop with all this junk slang that I keep using.

At this point, I am expecting some kind of an appreciation or something!

He: Who is behind all this?!

Me: What do you mean?! Do you think I am not capable of taking decisions for myself?!

He: Just asking.

Me: It is so insulting, you know!

He: Hmm.

Me: Actually, the other day I was hanging out with a bunch of friends when I uttered a sentence with about six or seven ‘craps’ in it. At that time, one of them asked me if I could get through just one day, without saying the word ‘crap’! So instead, I thought maybe I should stop it all, and that was the real reason for this decision!

Okay fine, I agree that some people do know you real well!

Now, if any of you guys are wondering as to what was the point of writing this post - it is to let you know that I have decided to stop using all the slang that I have so far been using. So it means saying goodbye to ‘crap’ and ‘moron’ and also ‘go make babies on your own’! Man, I wonder how am I going to survive!

Update

I suppose you guys know that I had messed up with the shifters on my bike a couple of weeks back. Today, I decided to fix it up!

I had picked up the Allen-screw set last Sunday, and I also had bought a new cable for the shifter. I was all ready to go. And guess what?! I got it right this time! Hurray! So now I have all the twenty-one speeds to choose from!

So now that the gears were fixed, I thought I should retune the brakes too. Well, this time around I have messed up with the brake levers! The front one kind of works reasonably well, but the rear one is hopeless!

Thinking about it, I do not ride all that fast anyway, so I suppose it isn’t going to be a lot of trouble!

Three Mistakes

I just finished reading this book, ‘Three Mistakes Of My Life’. So on that note, I would like to start this with my own three mistakes. So here it goes:

1. Choosing to read the book
2. Choosing to read the book, even though a lot of people advised me against reading it
3. Did I mention, reading the book?

Oh, I think I preferred the story of Om Shanti Om better than this! Speaking of which, this book is perfect Hindi movie material. There is this guy – a dreamer, and he hangs around with two of his best friends. One of them has a sister, and so it is quite obvious – he falls in love with her, and her brother does not know it! Duh!

Anyway, there is also cricket, an earthquake, communal riot, politics, religion and a suicide attempt! And the best part is that there is also a gathering of the entire cast (for a filmy photo shoot!) in the climax! Ah, the only thing missing was the dude having a baby!

Big!

The other day in office, we guys had this little discussion on oversized people, as we waited outside the conference room, before our meeting began. Each of us had some weird stories, but none of them were as interesting as my experiences with a few of them! And for that reason, I guess I’ll share only those here.

So, when I was in college, there was this one guy who, well, was just about as wide as he was tall! You know, I am not exaggerating here - he really was that wide! Honest! I always used to picture him as a square walking around! Kind of like this ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ guy! I used to wonder as to what would happen to this guy if he ever would fall over his side. I am sure he would not have been able to help himself up and we would probably have to use a crowbar to flip him back up!

Anyway, this guy was big and I had thought that I would never get see anyone bigger than him. I could not have been more wrong! This one time I was in Ganderkesee, and I was serving myself breakfast at the buffet table – when it suddenly got dark! I was kind of curious to find out what was this blocking all the light. So, I turned back and looked over to my left – and I saw this guy! I turned to my right - and I could still see this guy! I looked on top, and hell - he was there too!

I never have felt more intimidated in my life!

How to ruin your Sunday!

I had absolutely nothing to do last Sunday, and for that reason I decided to overhaul my bike. Honestly speaking, it did not require any maintenance at all, but then what the hell! I remember I used to open up each and every part of my bike and put it back together, during my school vacations! It is quite an interesting way to kill some time. Actually, a lot of time!

So, I checked the bike in the morning, and figured out that there was one tiny problem. Most of the parts of the bike were held together by Allen-screws, and I could not find the Allen-keys in my dad’s toolbox. And so, I had to first purchase a set! Wonderful, I had another activity to do!

As my parents were headed out anyway, I joined them and thought I would pick up the Allen-keys on our way back home. But somehow, one thing led to another and I had completely forgotten about picking them! It was about four in the evening, when we finally reached home.

So then, it was time to work on the bike! I managed to find a screw-driver that did the job of an Allen-key, and tinkered with the brake shoes and the brake levers. It was too meagre a task, and besides, I was in a mood of getting some serious work done! So I decided to retune the gear shifters on the rear wheel. Now I had previously opened up the shifters on the crank lever and the rear wheel, the very next day that I had got my bike. And for your information, I put it back together too! (Also, it has been working alright!)

Anyway, I opened up the screws, pulled the cable out and voila, I was all ready to get started! Well, I also removed the two adjustor screws on the shifter, just because I was kind of curious to see what was behind them! (Sadly, there was nothing interesting behind them!) After all the experiments, it was time to put things back together. While checking if the gears shifted properly, I overlooked the fact that the free end of the cable, had gotten into the idler sprocket, and had begun to open up! Not really a big problem, actually! I pulled it right out and proceeded. Obviously, I could not get it right in the first attempt, and had to redo it. And since the end of the cable had opened up, it had all the individual wires pointing in all directions. I took a pair of pliers and coiled them back together. Of course, it was inconvenient to be working with the damaged cable – every time I touched it, I hurt my hand!

Anyway, after using the pliers to pull the cable over and over again, I was successful in permanently damaging it! And added to this was the power cut! Imagine this, I could not get it right under the sunlight, and I was trying to get it right with the illumination provided by an emergency lamp, placed some twenty feet away! I think it was half past eight when finally I conceded defeat!

After washing off the oil and grease from my hand, I noticed that the loose wires had poked my palms, like in a million places! My fingers were so sore, that I could not even press the keys on my cell phone! In fact, my palms were hurting even yesterday when I was drying my hands under the hand drier!

Now coming back to my bike, well, it shifts only through gears 3, 4 and 5 now! Thinking about it, it is not all that bad - after all, these are the three gears that you use the most! And I do not really have any plans made for the coming Sunday, so maybe I should pick up a new shifter cable, and get things right!

Bee Story!

Say you are riding your bike. You are wearing your helmet, and the visor is down. You just raise the visor up to say something to the guy riding the pillion, and bam! There goes an insect into your mouth! I am sure every person who has ever ridden a bike, must have had at least one insect get into his mouth, while riding the bike! I think these stupid insects, kind of wait there right in your path to get into your mouth! Maybe something like those Japanese kamikazes!

And oh, I also think that birds drop their poop on you, after carefully calculating to ensure that it falls on you! As strange as it may seem, a crow once crapped into my left front trouser pocket! Like, the crap was literally inside the pocket! I am serious! And incidentally, that is where I keep my handkerchief! Now imagine this, I had to get my hand through the crap to get to the handkerchief! So, do I get through the crap, and get the handkerchief, or walk around with the crap in my pocket?! Quite a dilemma, isn’t it?! Anyway, I am digressing!

Now mosquitoes are the most common kamikaze victims, but I have had other winged insects visiting my mouth too! Sadly, I could not recognise who they were though after I spat them out, for obvious reasons! You see, it would be mixed with all the saliva and stuff! Okay, let us not talk about it!

Anyway, there was this one time when I was riding and an insect actually got into my shirt trough my left sleeve! I thought I felt something enter, but then since it was not moving around much, I thought it was nothing and I continued riding. A little while later, I kind of felt something crawling on my back! Oh crap! I had to stop the bike and find this guy (read insect) who was inside my shirt! Our pal was having a ball, and was crawling all over my back! I did manage to squash him finally when he was taking a walk on my right arm!

And now for the finale – I was once riding in quite a congested road. As usual, I had my helmet on, with the visor down. I was riding alone, so there was no necessity to open up the visor and talk! So, tough luck you wannabe kamikaze insects! Anyway, I felt something hit my neck! Next thing I see, there was a freaking bee inside my helmet! He was actually flying in the space that is between the visor and my face! Ah, at that time I thought that my time is up. Things were kind of moving in slow-motion! I am sure that my heart beat would have been higher than the reading the bike’s tachometer showed at that time! It took me quite a while to figure out that I must open up the visor!

Luckily, no one was killed that day!

Lucky me!

Have I ever mentioned to you guys that I hate kids?! Probably more than a million times already!

The one thing that irritates me the most about them is their never ending crying. Actually speaking, I think it is probably the only reason why I hate them so much! Ah, not really, there are definitely other reasons too, but never mind! Anyway, crying is one thing, but what these guys do could be classified as howling! I sometimes wonder as to how could such a small object (read kid) with such a small opening (read mouth) produce such loud sounds, and for such long durations! It is kind of like these jet engines which produce more thrust than the entire weight of the aircraft – totally disproportionate!

To my rotten luck, there always is a kid no matter where I go! Say I am in a restaurant enjoying the food, and having a nice time; and then in some stupid corner a kid starts crying! And that is about all the food you can enjoy. But at least when it comes to a restaurant, you do not really spend too much time there.

So now, let us talk about travelling! Honestly, I do not remember when was the last time I went anywhere without a kid accompanying me! Imagine having to listen to an idiot cry all the way from Italy to India! It has to hurt, right? And now, imagine two of such idiots! It is absolute torture!

Anyway, so this one time I got into a bus and I was very surprised to find that there was not a single kid in it! Can you believe it? Not a single one! Hah! Oh, you have no idea how happy that made me feel! Just thinking about it even now makes me want to smile! So, I got into my seat thinking that my luck is beginning to change and stuff!

Ah, come on now, it is quite obvious that this does not have a happy ending! If it had one, then I would probably not have written about it! Anyway, so these guys start playing a movie, and guess what? The movie was ‘Hey Baby’! Now if anyone of you has not watched it yet, then consider yourself very lucky! God, that dumb movie has got a freaking kid crying for like - ever! The guy who wrote the dialogues for the movie must have had an extremely simple job. Every alternate dialogue would have been:

Baby: cry!

Okay, now did I tell you that there was a freaking speaker right over my head?! So much for me feeling lucky!

What smells?!

The last time I went to Mysore, I had to take a bus. The company I had for the journey was pathetic! And since the journey was to be a short one, I did not carry any book that I could read. There was nothing much to look outside the window, and there was a dumb movie being played at full volume in the bus, which I did not want to watch.

So, considering all these factors I thought it would be wise for me to catch up on some sleep. Actually, I did not have any other option at that time. Anyway, after a while I was woken up by a disgusting smell! Still not fully out of sleep, I was wondering to myself as to why the air conditioner smelt like soiled socks?!

It took me about ten seconds to realise that the source of the smell was not the air conditioner! Yuck! You can only imagine how the rest of the journey was!

Strange Strangers!

Now what should one do, when a stranger (you have known for almost two years!) suddenly gets all concerned about your well being? Especially when our earlier conversations have been limited to just some random and impassive ‘hi’ and ‘bye’!

Am I to feel blessed, that even strangers care for me now?

Or am I to get sceptical about what their ulterior intentions are?

Any answers?!