Politically Incorrect!

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line. For the rest of you, I consider these as jokes, and I hope they are taken that way.

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I had visited a friend yesterday, and I noticed the packaging of a Christmas Crib at his place. Looking at it, I was reminded about what he had told me happened in his place last Christmas.

While his sister was setting up the crib last year, she accidentally dropped the Joseph figure, and unfortunately for her, the figure was broken.

Now when it comes to setting up a crib, you could do it in any way you prefer. It is totally up to you to decide on the number of shepherds or the sheep that you would like to have. Moreover, the presence of a few characters is totally optional – like the three wise men and their camels. In general practice, the more the merrier. However, it is absolutely necessary to have the baby, with Mary and Joseph beside it.

Anyhow, his sister was in quite a predicament, considering the absence of Joseph in the crib, and she had to do something about it. So, in order to complete the crib, she decided to substitute Joseph by one of the many shepherds.

After a while her mother noticed this, and she had to say this.

Mother: What is that shepherd doing next to Mary? You will end up giving Mary a bad name!

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I was out driving around with a couple of friends earlier this evening, when a couple of Sardars rode past our car, on their motorbikes. Obviously, neither of them was wearing a helmet.

Me: If you are a Sardar, you would not have to wear a helmet while you are riding a motorbike.

Friend: It probably does not matter to the Indian government if they are dead or alive!

Happy Ending!

I have this friend, who thinks he sounds like Russell Crowe, when he catches a cold! I wonder what is it with people trying to find a trait they share with some celebrity!

Anyway, I was listening to this song – leaving on a jet plane, covered by Chantal Kreviazuk, when I was riding back from work this evening, and it reminded me of this little stuff that happened a few weeks ago.

A bunch of us had gathered at a friend’s place, and were just talking about random things – just killing time until the others arrived. That is when I realised this girl amongst us, kind of, sounded a little different that day.

Me: What happened to your voice?

She: I have a cold.

Guy 1: She kind of sounds like that lady who sang that song, ‘leaving on a jet plane’.

Guy 2: Exactly!

Guy 1: Was it Alanis Morissette?

Me: No, it was Chantal, somebody.

As we continued talking about the song, I guess this girl seemed quite pleased that we thought she sounded like Chantal!

And just about then, this happened.

Guy 1: I think that was probably the crappiest version of that song, ever!

Everybody in the room, except this girl: Yeah, I was just going to say that!

Well, being compared to a celebrity does not necessarily lead to a happy ending!

Conversations

There is this one friend I have got, who is almost always at a different place whenever I call him! Anyway, the last time I spoke to him he was just about getting back home after a round of shopping with his wife and kid. As he was parking his car, he said he would call me back in five minutes, as he had to help his wife in carrying the stuff they had gotten for their home.

He did not call back!

A couple of hours later, he came up on IM, and here is the conversation we had:

He: Hi again, I was arranging things at home.

Me: I kind of understood that, uncle! One of the advantages of being single is you do not have to arrange things at home!

He: Ha, ha! I like cleanliness!

Me: I like practicality! There is no point wasting time in arranging things!

He: Why not?

Me: See, first you waste time in putting it in a place, and then in taking it out! Leave them all on a chair! You should see my room!

He: If everything is clean, you know where things are.

Me: Well, my room is not clean, and I still know where all my things are!

He: Grr!

Me: It is practical! But you cannot do it because you have a wife who says it has to be clean!

Me: Let us see what your wife has to say about that.

Me: There are a lot of things I need to check before I agree on a wife!

He: Hmm! You take so much time in choosing a car; you would take ages for choosing a wife!

Me: Of course! And I am in no hurry either!

He: We all are! You are among the last ones among us to get married!

Me: You can all wait! I want to rub the advantages of being single on you guys for as long as it takes!

He: Do you want me to list advantages of marriage?

Me: Go ahead! But be aware - I might use it in my blog if I find it interesting!

He: You get timely food.
You have company all the time.
There is no necessity of wasting time.

Me: Maggi noodles take two minutes to cook, and I have two dogs!

He: Okay simple - you have to get married sometime. It is better accomplish certain tasks soon.

Me: You could come up with just three reasons, huh?! Let me see, firstly I need to go to Himalayas. Marriage can wait!

He: Why not take your wife along? Give her an Avenger.

Me: Oh please! You would have to hear complaints about the cold, bad roads, bad seats on the bike, bad food, bad accommodation, dust, snow, her nails and her hair! And after all that I would have to take her pillion!

He: I give up!

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Well, I could not find anything more interesting to write about this evening than this!

Ups & Downs

I have this one friend, who has been learning to drive since eternity, but still has not gotten the hang of it! Now, it so happened that she got her driving licence the very next day, after me, and a couple of other guys had teased her about her driving skills. And she did not waste much time in letting me know about her achievement!

She: Yay! I got my licence!

Me: It is a miracle!

She: It is ironic how you were commenting on my driving skills! God exists! IN YOUR FACE! Ha!

Me: Yeah right! Like you were waiting for the licence to start driving! See, in your case – the licence to you, is like wings to an ostrich!

She: Expletives and threats!

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Last weekend, a bunch of us guys, had to wait for eons, so that the girls who had come along with us could finish their shopping. Funny thing is, we were there to pick up a gift for one of the guys!

Anyhow, we guys left the mall and we stopped someplace before we got back home. Now, it is not really important to know about the exact details, but I earned myself a compliment because of my chivalrous behaviour!

She: Thank you!

Me: Keep it in your pocket!

She: I do not have a pocket!

Me: Maybe you should have picked up one, while you spent all that time shopping!

She: Stop acting like my mother-in-law!

Me: Huh?!

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There is this girl, who, apparently, can not cook. Cook well, that is! And I say apparently, because I have not eaten anything she has cooked till date! My judgement is based purely on the feedback received from a few guys who have had the honour of eating what she had cooked!

Anyhow, she had made another of her specialities yesterday, and I, unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, missed it!

She: Yet again, you missed my world famous gajar halwa!

Me: Ah, there is god!

She: Expletives!

One smart IT guy

Is there anyone out there, who thinks that the IT guys employed by the organisations they are working with are more knowledgeable and more capable, when it comes to rectifying issues that crop up on your computer?

I did not think so!

Nevertheless, we do have to take the issues to them, just because we need to follow the protocol.

Well, I did have some computer trouble last week at the office, and quite obviously, had to contact the IT guys. Now one little thing you guys must know is, here, the IT guys who help us with our issues, do not sit in the same office, or for the matter in the same city as where we are. We have to call them up over the phone, and all the debugging happens through desktop sharing over Microsoft NetMeeting.

Anyhow, a few minutes into the debugging process, the IT guy reckoned it to be an issue with the network adaptor driver. Here is the conversation that ensued.

He: I have to reinstall the driver for the network adaptor. It is required to close all the programs that are open at the moment. Can I proceed in closing them all?

Me: Alright, go right ahead!

So, he closed all the programs, and then went on to open the Device Manager. He scrolled down to Network Adaptors, right-clicked on it, and then hit Uninstall!

And in a jiffy, it was done!

He: Uh, I seem to have lost the connection with your computer. Could you please connect me back on NetMeeting?

Me: I am sorry, I cannot do that. You just uninstalled the network adaptor, and I am no longer connected to the network!

He: Oh shit!

Beating around the bush

Someone recently pointed to me that I talk way too much, and so, I thought maybe it is time I do something about it. I guess, I for one, am a guy who just does not say what has to be said, in the simplest possible manner! (Um, the previous sentence, kind of, reiterates the point, right?)

One late evening, a few months ago, a couple of guys from work were involved in a motorbike accident. They had fallen off the bike, and from what the guy recalls – a truck ran over his thighs! The doctors who attended to him said that there was only muscle damage, and it was not a major concern. (Yeah, right! Let me run a truck over you and then hear you say that!) He was asked to stay overnight in the hospital and leave the next day. The other guy stayed with him too.

Anyway, a few of us visited them at the hospital next day, during our lunch break in office. For whatever reasons, these guys wanted to keep this accident as a secret and only a handful of us had the privilege of knowing about it. But somehow, the others had gotten to know all about it by the time we were back in office, and we were stormed at, and forced to give them a status update! (I wonder if these guys had ever heard about telephones!)

After listening to us, a few girls too wanted to go meet them at the hospital later in the evening. Now my friend, with whom I had visited these guys, thought this was a bad idea. Let me tell you why – though the guy’s legs had survived, unfortunately, his pair of jeans did not! And due to having kept this entire thing under wraps, no one had bothered to carry them a change of clothes! So basically, this guy was sitting there in his underwear!

Anyhow, here is the conversation between this guy and the girl.

Guy: No, they are fine at the moment. You could probably meet them tomorrow.

Girl: No, I want to meet them today.

Normally, I would have given details of the entire conversation, which in effect is the repetition of the above two lines, many times over! But since I am on the path of getting to the point quickly, I am going to pass this time!

Guy: No, we will take you there tomorrow.

So I thought I should pitch in, for this guy.

Me: Listen, his jeans are wrecked and he is sitting there in his underwear! Trust me – you do not want to see him in that!

Guy: Oh, thank you very much, Ashwin! I did not want to tell that to her directly!

Okay, so if you are wondering what was point of this story – well, it is just to prove that even when I do not beat around the bush and say only the things that matter – I still get flak!