One smart IT guy

Is there anyone out there, who thinks that the IT guys employed by the organisations they are working with are more knowledgeable and more capable, when it comes to rectifying issues that crop up on your computer?

I did not think so!

Nevertheless, we do have to take the issues to them, just because we need to follow the protocol.

Well, I did have some computer trouble last week at the office, and quite obviously, had to contact the IT guys. Now one little thing you guys must know is, here, the IT guys who help us with our issues, do not sit in the same office, or for the matter in the same city as where we are. We have to call them up over the phone, and all the debugging happens through desktop sharing over Microsoft NetMeeting.

Anyhow, a few minutes into the debugging process, the IT guy reckoned it to be an issue with the network adaptor driver. Here is the conversation that ensued.

He: I have to reinstall the driver for the network adaptor. It is required to close all the programs that are open at the moment. Can I proceed in closing them all?

Me: Alright, go right ahead!

So, he closed all the programs, and then went on to open the Device Manager. He scrolled down to Network Adaptors, right-clicked on it, and then hit Uninstall!

And in a jiffy, it was done!

He: Uh, I seem to have lost the connection with your computer. Could you please connect me back on NetMeeting?

Me: I am sorry, I cannot do that. You just uninstalled the network adaptor, and I am no longer connected to the network!

He: Oh shit!

Sharks & Dirty Underwear!

Warning: You may find this post a little dirty!

The other day I was at the office loo, while I heard this conversation between these two guys – who also happen to be my friends.

Guy 1: Remember the day at your place when I pulled down your pants?! I got to see your underwear!

Guy 2: Oh yeah!

Guy 1: Man, your underwear had so many holes!

Guy 2: I know. And I am wearing the same underwear today!

Guy 1: I guess you can use your underwear as a fishing net!

Guy 2: Hey, I think it is a little too much!

Guy 1: And the holes are so big, I am sure that even a shark could swim through one of it!

--

Sticking on with underwear, I am reminded of another story shared by a friend, V. Now V used to earlier live with his friend, S – and the place they stayed only had a single bathroom.

S, apparently, was constantly annoyed with V for spending so much time inside the bathroom every morning. On one fine day he decided to confront V, as he stepped out of the bathroom.

S: What do you do inside the bathroom for so long? You only have to take a bath!

V: Yeah, but I wash my underwear after my bath. So that takes some time.

S: Do you mean to say you wash your underwear everyday?!

V: Yeah, of course! Why, do you not wash them daily?!

S: No!

V: But why?!

S: Since they are worn on the inside, they can not get dirty, right?!

I guess this was the reason why they chose to live separately!

PS: I guess this would probably be the last of my posts on weird things that happen in office! I really doubt if I can find a gang as notorious as the one I hung out with!

Change

I have been delaying this for far too long now and I am beginning to wonder if there is any sanity in writing it at the moment. I did make an effort earlier to pen down some stuff, but I was too emotional to keep it going!

Irrespective of the fact that a lot many people keep telling you about how change is required for progress and all that crap, you have to accept that at the end of the day – change does suck, and it sucks big time!

To top it all – I feel like a hypocrite here because, at one time, I used to lecture people about accepting the change, adapting to it, and moving along; and I am stuck here pondering, and refusing to acknowledge the change!

Well, I quit my job last week – after having worked there for six long years. And it was my first job too. I still remember how excited I was back in college when I got this job. I had thought I would never leave the place until my retirement!

But I suppose time changes everything!

Balls to time, and balls to change!

To leave was definitely the most difficult decision I have ever had to take yet, and I certainly know that I have decided right. The only aftermath of this is the very crappy feeling that I have – which is even worse than having gone through a break-up!

Of all the things that I miss – it is the amazing friends I had made there that I miss the most! The many tea-breaks, post-breakfast breaks, the extended lunch-breaks, the intellectual talks in second-shifts, the philosophical talks in first-shifts, the talks by the water-cooler, the pink jokes, the bubble wraps, the never ending brainstorming sessions, the mechanism classes, the conference calls, the morning meetings, the things I can not write here and all the little things I had taken for granted – they seem so precious to me now!

I have been extremely lucky to have gotten a chance to work with such a wonderful bunch of people! This one is for each and every one of you who made it so memorable! I miss you guys, and I love you all! Thank you for the memories!

PS: I hope this crappy feeling goes away when I receive a fat pay this month end!

IT Bugger!

The trouble with this entire information security guarantee that my office promises to our clients – is that we guys have very limited rights to our own work-stations. For example, we can not even delete files saved by somebody else in our own computer! I mean, is this fair?!

Anyway, we had to attend this training program in office once, and the trainer guy wanted to copy some files to the computer. Now I suppose you guys can figure that the external drives are all disabled on our computers – so there is no way you can either copy crap into the computer, nor take any out of it. The only thing to do during times like these is to call the IT guy.

So, one of the guys took the pen drive from the trainer and said:

Guy 1: I will go meet the IT bugger and get them copied to this computer!

Now the training room we were seated at is separated from the office area by something that can be called as a lobby. A lot of guys stand around and chat in this place during the tea breaks, and what do you know – it was time for a tea break then.

Anyhow, it should have normally taken this guy like, under two minutes, to find the IT guy and have the stuff copied. But it was well over ten minutes since he had left the room, and we had no clue what he was up to. So a friend and I decided to step out and find out what was taking him so long.

As we stepped out, we found this guy, chit-chatting among a bunch of other guys in the lobby. Looking at this, my friend got a little annoyed and asked:

Guy 2: Were you not supposed to find the IT bugger?!

Poor guy had simply failed to notice that the IT guy was sitting right beside him!

IT Bugger: The IT bugger is sitting right here! You come to me next time when you have trouble, and I will take care of you then!

The look on his face – ah, it was like he had let a loud one go in the middle of a conference!

Finally – the F word!

Warning: There is a dirty word used in this post!

Although I swear so much while talking, I have managed not to use a single swearword in my blog! Well, to be honest, it is just that I have been using milder forms of the curses in most cases, as the word in itself was not very critical to the topic. However, today is another day!

I am sure nearly all of us do use a few words, unnecessarily, in our everyday speech. Though most conversations could seamlessly flow without the use of any of these words, I feel that they just add a little bit of character, or flavour – if you can call it that!

Here are a few examples:

Who do you think you are – Neil freaking Armstrong?!

or

Oh yeah, I forgot you are freaking Albert Einstein!

See, you get the gist, right? It is just colloquial.

Now enough with the education, and let me come to the point. Though each one of us are assigned our work-stations at office and are expected to use only that machine, there are times when some of us need to switch, or use more than one machine. On one such day, I had let a friend use my computer to finish his work.

After a while, I figured I should remind him of my magnanimous gesture – and get something from him as compensation! While he failed to realise my sacrifice, I decided to show him who was the boss around there!

Me: Get off my computer, dude!

He: I do not see your name written here, mister!

Me: Oh really?! Are you fucking Ashwin Wilson?!

Okay, I figured out instantly that I was not going to like the answer to the question that I had just asked! And I guess he could not have done any better to shut me up!

He: No, but I would love to!!

Misplaced Patriotism, Balls, & A Near Death Experience!

Now that the football world cup has begun, pretty much everyone is talking about football. Staying on the same pitch, here is a conversation that I heard on the subject, between a couple of guys at work.

Guy 1: World cup has finally begun!

Guy 2: Yeah!

Guy 1: So, whom are you supporting?

Guy 2: No matter what happens, I am always going to support India!

--

There is this guy in office – who at one time carried three mobile phones, and five SIM cards! At most times his conversations on the telephone involved expressing his displeasure about the services provided by the operator. Many of us tried to drive some sense into his head about why he did not require three phones. And here is my contribution:

Dude, you are carrying more cell phones than the number of balls you have got! Do you really require that many?

From the next day, he had as many phones as balls!

PS: In case you are wondering if he got himself an extra ball – I like the way you are thinking!

--

I had written this a few months ago, and I have no idea why I did not post it back then. I had gone to visit a friend, and upon entering his place he told me this.

He: You know what? I had a near death experience!

Me: What happened?

He: I was waiting by Gate 11 at the stadium at 5:00 in the evening last week. And yesterday, there was an explosion at Gate 10, at just about the same time!

Blood Donation

A few days ago, I was walking up to my seat in office while I noticed this girl sitting at her place with a stole wrapped around her. I began to wonder why would someone wrap a stole in the middle of summer, and I thought of enquiring. As I got closer, I noticed she looked a little pale too.

Me: What happened? You do not look well.

She: Yeah, I am feeling a little cold. I had to give blood this morning.

On a regular day, I would have teased her, but I thought if someone has had to donate blood this early in the morning, there must have been something serious.

Me: Oh?

She: And I am fasting too.

Me: And why exactly are you doing that? Are you not supposed to eat something immediately after you donate blood?

She: No, I had to be fasting for the blood test.

Me: You mean you had to give blood for a blood test?!

She: Yeah.

Me: And you are feeling cold because of that?

She: But they took a lot of blood!

Me: Yeah, right!

PS: I have wanted to do this for quite sometime now, but I never seem to have had the time for it. But I guess all the waiting has been worth it, because I get to post this on her birthday.

Happy Birthday, Mother India! I hope I get more things to write about you!

How a jet engine works

Yeah, you read it right! The title does read ‘How a jet engine works’.

If you are wondering as to why on earth I would want to talk about the working of a jet engine – you are going to be very surprised! The best part is – it would take you less than two minutes to figure out the process and chances are you would never ever forget the working principle! So enough with the nonsense, and let us just get to it!

Um before I get into it, there is something else I have to say. Actually, this was brought to my notice by this friend – who is capable of twisting absolutely anything he comes across, into a something that sounds dirty! Here is an example:

He: Ashwin, do you know what a cockpit is?

Okay, you have to know this too – When he asks you a question, he does not expect you to answer him. He just wants you to ask him whatever the crap it means! So, I do the same!

Me: What?

He: A cockpit is a pit for keeping the cocks!

If you were to notice the grin on his face, you would be dead certain that the ‘cock’ he was referring to is not an adult male chicken! So, you get the gist, right?! If you did not get it – well, either you are too damn innocent, or just plain dumb! Personally, I would put my money on the latter!

Anyhow, I guess it is about time I get back to the point! Here is a picture which explains the stages. Do click on it to see the enlarged image!

Now, did you ever happen to think that the jet engine was having so much fun?!

Office Bits

I have always believed that it is best to leave all your work related stuff back in office, while you leave for home. And for that sole reason, lately, I have not been leaving for home!

Ah, the last three weeks have been absolutely dreadful! I have been putting in a minimum of twelve hours of work a day. And in between all this, I also spent a night out in office, and worked on a Sunday too! Damn, when do I retire?!

Anyway, so with all this time spent in office, my life seems to be revolving only around work. And surprisingly, there are quite a lot of things that are turning up pretty nicely here - and I would like to say a lot about it! But unfortunately, the ‘Non Disclosure Agreement’ that I have signed with the office prevents me from blurting it out! Actually speaking, whatever I want to say is either too personal; too boring; or too gross!

But yeah, here is something that is worth sharing. I was at my seat working on my stuff, and a friend was beside me, helping me out. A colleague walked by, and we noticed that he had shaved his head. I guess we all know why most Indian men shave their heads. So my friend asked him this:

Friend: Did you go to Tirupati?

He: No, I went to barber shop!

Yeah, that is about all I want to say!

PS: I am sure most of you guys are cursing me for this post! This is what happens when you spend more than the required amount of time in office. You look for amusement in weird things!

Let me go catch some sleep!

Call and Come

I used to be sort of - invincible, when it came to coffee time crap-talk in office. But the trend has changed, and these guys thrash the hell out of me these days. Most of it is due to the fact that they gather up, and use all their might to corner me! When you look into it, they are all making mountain out of molehills. Their jokes may be laughed at by kids who are still in the fourth or fifth grade. What? You do not believe me? Okay, check it out for yourself.

Yesterday, these guys planned to go on a ride after office hours, and asked me to come along.

Me: Dude, I can not join you guys today. I have come in my dad’s car.

One of the guys: What Ashwin? You have come in your dad’s car?!

And they all burst out laughing! In fact, one of the guys was laughing on this for a good solid twenty minutes! Alright, I get the joke, but is it really worth twenty minutes of laughter?!

Anyway, now coming to what happened this evening. This guy was about to leave office, and he asked me if I was going to join him.

Me: No dude, I have to attend a conference call at 7:00.

He: You have become a call-guy, Ashwin!

The moment he said this, and these guys burst into laughter, like it was the funniest thing they ever heard in their entire lives! One of the guys was even banging his desk with joy! (Pun, unintended!) Ah, you should have witnessed the madness! People sitting some sixty feet across came by and enquired about the reason for the outrageous laughter!

Do these guys need to grow up, or do they need to really grow up? And does anyone know how much does ‘Jokes for Dummies’ cost?!

How to be a South-Indian!

You know what? I think I attract stupid people; and they bring all of their stupidity along with them! I think it is God’s way of getting back at me for not going to church often! Just when I have thought that I have already met the stupidest person alive, someone new always shows up!

I was doing my stuff in office this morning, while a colleague came by. Here is what followed.

He: (Referring to my moustache) Is this a new look?

I was not in a mood for any sarcasm that early in the morning, so I just smiled back at him.

He: You now look like a South-Indian!

Me: Huh? Dude, even North-Indians have moustaches! For instance, ever heard of Punjab?!

He: No, that is not what I meant. It is just that you look like a South-Indian!

Me: Dude, I AM a South-Indian! And also, now you are being a racist!

He: No! If you do not believe me, you go and watch any of the South-Indian movies, be it Kannada, Tamil, Telugu or Malayalam; all their heroes have moustaches!

Me: Ah, I do not watch any of these movies! (Oh God, why am I even having this conversation?!)

He: You do not have to watch the movies, just go out and check out any of the movie posters!

At this stage, I had two choices – continue the conversation and be subjected to more stupidity; or just agree to whatever the crap he said and be spared!

For a change, I decided to be a little wiser this time!

An Airhead and Bat Crap!

The company that I work with has got pretty high standards, when it comes to recruiting its employees. So, it amazes me when I come across a few colleagues who are so dim, that even a black-hole would seem brighter in comparison!

I was attending a training program a few months back in Mysore. The bunch of colleagues who accompanied me was so boring, that I spent my spare time playing with a pup outside our guesthouse! I wished I could ignore them throughout the training duration, but then it obviously would have been a little too rude. So I joined them for a conversation during the coffee break on the second day. I should have known better.

The topic being discussed was bats – those flying fellows! Trust me, the discussion was total crap, but I just stood there among them, trying to make sense of whatever the crap that was happening there. Anyway, I somehow tolerated the absolute nonsense; until:

Airhead: Bats have only a single opening.

Me: What?

Airhead: They eat and shit through a single opening!

The sad part is; he was not joking! I, very politely, excused myself!

PS: Since these bat guys do hang upside-down, would they not be crapping all over themselves when they take a crap?!

Chivalry!

This afternoon, our coffee time discussion in office somehow spilled over to ‘chivalry’. I now realise it was a stupid thing for us to be discussing because, firstly, there was not a single girl in our gang, and secondly, coffee time is restricted to fifteen minutes these days, so we ought to be discussing better things!

Personally, I am not so much of a supporter of chivalry, although I do it sub-consciously, if you may please! I mean, if there is such a huge furore about guys and girls being equal, then why do girls expect us guys to be courteous towards them? I know a lot of girls (even the die-hard feminist types!) expect, or rather, demand the guys to be chivalrous! It is kind of amusing, right?! Now do not get me wrong, I have nothing against chivalry, or the guys who are chivalrous. In fact, I myself have held doors open to girls, and do help them while crossing roads, or clearing a path while walking through a crowded place.

Anyway, I think there are a few women out there who push their luck a little too far, with their expectation of guys to be courteous! I want to reiterate that I mentioned few, and not all! And I am not generalising anything either. Let me share two incidents, which affirms my above belief.

Scene I:

A friend and I were waiting in a queue at 10:15, to buy tickets for a movie that had begun at 10:00. And there were, perhaps, two guys ahead of us, and we guys were cursing them for being there! At this time, a lady with a kid walked up to us and smiled.

She: I have to buy tickets to this movie that has already started at 10:00. So would it be a problem if I get ahead of you guys?

My friend was about to let her pass us, but I had to intervene.

Me: And what do you think we are standing here for?!

She: Oh, are you guys waiting for the same movie?

Me: Yeah.

She seemed a little displeased, but then she had no option but to get behind us. My friend could not believe that I could be so blatantly rude, and pretended like he was not with me! He felt what I did was not right. Yeah, whatever!

Scene II:

I was waiting for buying lunch at the office pantry. The queue was particularly long that day. There were a few girls standing quite close to the start of the queue and one was standing right in front of me. Another girl came by, and started speaking with this girl in front of me. After a little yakety-yak she quietly slipped into the queue, without even bothering to ask me if she could!

Of course, I could not keep shut this time either.

Me: Hey, you know if you want to break into the queue, maybe you should go further up ahead and join those girls in the front. It is pointless breaking a queue and standing so far behind!

I was surprised she picked up my sarcasm! Oh, I think I now know why she stopped speaking to me!

So ladies, know where to draw the line! And yes, you are welcome!

Tempered!

A few weeks ago, I had to attend this conference thingy that was happening at a place just off Airport Road. I also had to pick up a colleague from near office, and we were to go together to that place.

As planned, I picked him up on time and we started off. This place we were headed to was about twenty-six kilometres from office. And I reached that place in less than twenty minutes, in spite of the morning traffic and brief stops at multiple traffic signals! So you can do the math yourself!

Anyway, once we got off, I noticed that this guy had his hair swept back like he had been just jettisoned off an airplane or something! I was kind of curious, and so I asked him about it.

Me: Dude, what's with the hair style?

I still can not figure out as to what was so offensive in that question, but he got totally infuriated with me and yelled back: Ashwin, you don’t open your mouth!

Gee, so much for my concern!

Of late, I have been riding like an absolute maniac. I ride somewhat like these pizza-delivery guys – I get from anyplace to anywhere in under half an hour! I realise I have to do something about it. Do you guys have any suggestions?

I haven’t read it!

We guys from work had planed to go watch the movie ‘Angels and Demons’ today. We had hoped that everyone from our ‘gang’ would go together, but a couple of guys did not want to join us. Here is part of the conversation that we had during our coffee break, while we were trying to convince them to join us.

Me: Dude, why aren’t you coming for the movie?

He: I haven’t read the book yet. I think I should watch it after I finish reading the book.

Me: Don’t bother. The movie is not going to be anywhere close to what the book has to say.

He: But I’d still prefer reading the book first.

Me: Listen, I was acting like you are now, when the ‘Bourne’ movies were released. The movies were like totally different. Same was the case with ‘Da Vinci Code’. I don’t think there has been any movie made, that precisely followed the book.

At this time, another guy got into the conversation and asked me this.

He: Have you watched the movie ‘Passion of the Christ’?

Me: Yeah, I did.

He: Did you like it?

Me: Yeah, kind of. But how is that connected to whatever is going on here?

He: Well, that movie did follow the book!

Me: Oh, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t read the book!

Direction Control

Lately, I have been trying to do things differently, and not follow a routine. This post is a result of that experiment. There isn’t anything interesting happening at the moment, so I am writing about this incident that took place quite a while ago.

So this one day, the three of us met up for lunch. One of them is a super-hyper-active character, who has the weirdest of answers to any question that you may throw at him! Mid way this guy got a phone call. This is what followed after he hung up.

Guy 1: I am going to Coorg this weekend and meeting up with a few friends. And from there, we are going to a forest reserve. I heard that there are tigers there.

Guy 2: (obviously looking for some cheap entertainment!) What would you do if you would come face to face with a tiger?

Guy 1: If I see a tiger, I would piss on its face!

Guy 2: If you do that, I am sure you would never be able to piss again!

Me: Correction – You would be able to piss, but I guess you would loose out on direction control!

Okay, so I realise now that it would have been better off if I had just stuck on to the regular stuff. Apologies!

Unlikely Olympic Event!

At times, office can get really boring, when you are stuck doing mundane things. And when you are made to attend training classes, for three full days, every two weeks - it is simply atrocious! So you see, we guys have to get extremely creative to make our otherwise dull day a little better!

So, we three guys were walking towards the training room this morning, cursing our luck about having to attend the class. And just to spend a few more minutes outside the class, we thought of going to the loo to take a leak! (Yeah, how very interesting!)

Now, taking a leak isn’t really an entertaining moment, right? So, we guys thought of making it one! How, you ask?!

Well, we decided to have a peeing race! Yeah, you read it right – a peeing race! I must say, there was no hesitation whatsoever from any of us! We just stood in front of the urinal, called out ‘one’, ‘two’, ‘three’; and we were ready to go!

And yeah, we did enhance the winning criteria from just finishing peeing, to also washing hands, and then finally to even drying them!

In case anyone is interested to know, I finished last! Damn! I have no idea if the other guys cheated or anything, but then, who cares! It is not that there was a trophy or anything!

So, the next time you get really bored in office, you know what to do!

Big!

The other day in office, we guys had this little discussion on oversized people, as we waited outside the conference room, before our meeting began. Each of us had some weird stories, but none of them were as interesting as my experiences with a few of them! And for that reason, I guess I’ll share only those here.

So, when I was in college, there was this one guy who, well, was just about as wide as he was tall! You know, I am not exaggerating here - he really was that wide! Honest! I always used to picture him as a square walking around! Kind of like this ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ guy! I used to wonder as to what would happen to this guy if he ever would fall over his side. I am sure he would not have been able to help himself up and we would probably have to use a crowbar to flip him back up!

Anyway, this guy was big and I had thought that I would never get see anyone bigger than him. I could not have been more wrong! This one time I was in Ganderkesee, and I was serving myself breakfast at the buffet table – when it suddenly got dark! I was kind of curious to find out what was this blocking all the light. So, I turned back and looked over to my left – and I saw this guy! I turned to my right - and I could still see this guy! I looked on top, and hell - he was there too!

I never have felt more intimidated in my life!

Strange Strangers!

Now what should one do, when a stranger (you have known for almost two years!) suddenly gets all concerned about your well being? Especially when our earlier conversations have been limited to just some random and impassive ‘hi’ and ‘bye’!

Am I to feel blessed, that even strangers care for me now?

Or am I to get sceptical about what their ulterior intentions are?

Any answers?!

Exclamation Mark!

We guys in office always come up with some creative thing or the other to keep ourselves amused at work! We discuss about almost everything under the sun. At times the topic we choose could be quite informative, such as mythology, chemistry or astronomy. But then, sometimes we also discuss about the final segment of the digestive system and the gasses emitting from the same!

Anyway, the other day topic chosen was ‘crap’. Crap as in literally – crap! As in faeces! Well, here is the most interesting part of our conversation!

Person 1: I remember when I was small and there was a kid who lived near by. One day he called me outside to show me that he had shat on the road to make it look like a train! There were small dots in a line!

Person 2: Oh, that is nothing! I remember when I was small, there was this kid, who once had shat on the road, and he had made it look like an exclamation mark!