Bluetooth Headset

I had intended to dedicate all the time I could spare for blogging, to get the story on my ride to the Himalayas. But then, I so have to get this done with right away.

There is this friend of mine, who carries a cell phone that is as big as the roof over your head! Initially, the jokes we cracked about its size went something like this:

Dude, my flat screen television is smaller than your phone!

Dude, if I wanted anything bigger, I would have picked myself a dining table!

But today it was a little different. We guys had met up for dinner and another friend was a little taken aback by the size of the phone.

Guy: Do you actually use that phone for talking, or do you have another phone?

Big Phone Guy: I use it, but with a Bluetooth headset.

Me: Of course you will have to use it with a headset. Else, the microphone would be so low, that the person on the other end can probably hear you fart better than they could hear you speak!

Okay, I promise I will be back with my Himalayas story soon!

Chihuahua! Or is it her handbag?!

I suppose most of us would have amazing stories to tell, if we were asked to reveal the most memorable moments we have shared with each of our friends. (Um, now just in case you cannot recall any of them, then maybe it is time you start pondering about what exactly it is, that you are doing wrong!) The idea behind writing this post came about because somebody asked me as to who this person was, after having read a comment she had posted, to one of the nonsense that I had put up on Facebook. It was after explaining to them, I realised I could write a blog post.

If I can remember correctly, it has been about two odd years since I met her. At first, she seemed like a nice girl who bothered no one and spoke very little. At least I like to think of her that way, in order to make the transformation into what she has become now, a lot more dramatic! If you were to ask me about her now, well, I would say she is still nice, of course; but she beats the crap out of me and talks like a diarrhoea! (Of course, I am exaggerating it by a great deal!)

A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place, like we always used to, back then. A few of the guys were watching something on the television in the living room, while the rest of us were playing a game of carom in the adjacent room. I must have been too engrossed in the game, that I did not notice this girl arrive. By the time I could plan my escape strategy, it was too late! Um, and there is no point in trying to explain what took place that day, that put me in the corner of the room, with this girl sitting beside me.

If you are wondering why I was trying to run away from her – well, back in those days, I was having trouble understanding if she thought I was her pet Chihuahua, or her handbag! And if you were expecting a more detailed explanation of what that meant – hopes you have!

Anyhow, after the initial exhilaration of the chase and capture had died down, she needed to keep herself further entertained. She was least bit interested in the game of carom, and the television was in the other room. And for that reason, she turned to me. I do not remember what our conversation was about exactly, but I do remember getting repeatedly whacked! After a while of requesting her to stop, well, I thought I should be a little more assertive – if you can call it that!

Me: Stop hitting me, or you are going to get it!

She: What can you possibly do?

Well, it is totally another thing, that I could not have done anything to her, but then, I could not have told her that, could I?! Moreover, I could not just have sat there doing nothing, because then, I would have had a bun on my face! So, I just held her right hand to prevent her from hitting me.

I remember somebody having told me a theory about how most women were ambidextrous. I think I can vouch for that theory! The only thing that changed was – I was now getting whacked with her left hand!

Obviously, the only thing left to do, was to hold on to her left hand too!

Me: Ha! What are you going to do now?!

Looking back, I think, I have asked a lot many stupid questions – the answers to which, I did not necessarily need to hear! I doubt, if this question can ever be knocked off from its top position!

She: Bachao!

I think the word does not do justice to what she did, because she screamed it out at the top of her shrilled voice – and it lasted a good twenty long seconds! I am not too sure if it lasted twenty seconds, or if time actually slowed down then!

The guys playing carom stopped, and they were looking at us. The guys watching the television in the next room ran into our room, and they were looking at us. I am damn sure even the neighbours were out on the streets too, wondering what had just happened!

I do not think I have been more embarrassed in my entire life! And yeah, I am also prepared to react for a cardiac arrest, if I ever have one!

PS: You had asked me to write something brilliant about you, on your birthday, two years ago. I hope this counts!

Happy birthday, lady! Shine on!

Priceless

You could do many different things to unwind after a long and tiring day at the office, but I doubt if anything could be better than catching up with your best friend!

I was talking to my best friend last evening – and after discussing about travel, school, engineering, hyperbolic cooling towers, things in our rooms, clothes, Facebook, language, punctuation, blogging, DSLRs, girls, marriage, and about many more things I cannot seem to remember now, we had this little conversation!

She: Are you going to be 29 this year, or 30?

Me: You are older than me, so you do the math!

She: 30?

Me: Hello! 2011 – 1982 = 29!

She: Oh, so I am 29?!

Me: My God! Did you not know that?!

She: Not bad, I am still another year away from being 30!

Me: You thought you were 30 all this while?!

She: It is good in a way. I do not have to think I am old!

--

Hair colour: INR 550.

Visit to the parlour: INR 2300.

Realising you are a whole year younger: Priceless!

Revenge of the morons!

I had met up with a couple of my wickedest friends, last Sunday. I do not recall how we ended up discussing this topic, but it suddenly occurred to them that they must do something about me blogging about them!

It is true that a majority of the posts I have written are about my friends. And one cannot blame me, for the fact that, most of these guys do things so stupid, that I have been having something or the other to write about for all these years! Anyway, the gripe these guys had was that I only write about instances where the joke was on them! Though it is not entirely true, they just believed it was so, and were hell bent on getting back!

After a little thought, they came up with an idea of creating a blog themselves, and posting instances when each one of them had shut me up!

How ingenious!

It took them only another twenty seconds to arrive at a name for the blog they would create – One Tube Light! Although I did not tell them this then, I thought the title was actually cool!

Anyhow, this post is about (the very few) instances where I have been shut up by these guys! Do note that there could be swearwords used in this post. So mom – you can skip this one!

--

This one time we guys were playing a game of Taboo. Now if you have never played it before - the objective of the game is for a guy to have his team-mates guess the word on his card, without using the word itself (duh!), or the five additional words listed on the card. And all of this is to be done in under sixty odd seconds.

It was my turn to pick the card and make these guys guess the word on it. I think the word to be guessed was anxious.

Me: Right now, I look…

And these were some of the responses I got!

Guy 1: Dumb?

Guy 2: Stupid?

Guy 3: Like a moron?

Guy 4: Like an asshole?!

Although there were more guesses, let me just stop with this! And you must know that these were guesses from my own team-mates!

--

The choice of my riding helmet has received a mixed reaction from my friends. While few of them liked it, few of them did not. Of all the conversations on it, this is the weirdest one I can remember. I just got on my bike, and put on my helmet.

Girl: Wow, your helmet looks awesome!

Me: Thank you!

Guy: That is because it covers most of his face!

--

This one day, I was riding to some place and I had a friend, riding pillion. One thing you must know is I complain about random things when I am riding, or driving – for the lack of doing anything better!

Anyhow, we came across a road hump so huge, that it could have easily qualified as a check-dam! It was a perfect object for me to complain about!

Me: Is this a dam, or a road hump?

He: It is a damn road hump!

He laughed all the way till the destination! And then, he laughed some more!

--

This happened a few weeks ago. Some of us had met up, and as usual – we ended up in a mindless argument over something stupid. I do not remember what the topic of discussion was, but after this guy finished reasoning why I should be doing something, and looked at me for approval, I just had to tell him this.

Me: Fuck you!

He did not seem like he was in a mood to give up, and pursued with his reasoning. One he had finished, I asked him this.

Me: Which part of the ‘fuck you’, did you not understand?!

He: The ‘fuck’ part! Do you mind explaining it for me?!

Me: Huh?!

--

PS: I had told these guys that I would register the name - 1tubelight, so that they would not be able to use it! The last time I checked, this page was still available, and I could have blocked it against my name. However, I chose not to do it because, One Tube Light, is probably the nicest title these wicked buggers could think of!

What’s the score?

Let me start this with a gender biased statement – most women are not as crazy as most men, when it comes to following a game of cricket! Just in case, if you happen to be die hard feminist and have a problem with the above statement – go jump!

Anyway, now that the cricket world cup has begun, almost everyone I know – the girls included, seem to be having something to say about every match that is being played. Some of the really annoying ones keep updating their Facebook status as the match progresses – ball by ball, which results in your homepage being filled only with their updates! This is the trouble with high-speed internet connections and unlimited download plans! Somebody tell them that there a websites designed specifically for this purpose (and thankfully, without their expert opinion)!

I realise I am straying a bit too much, because this post is not about those morons! This post is about my friend – who on this one day, seemed to be more interested than any of us about the cricket match that was being played. I was quite surprised, because I had never actually remembered her mentioning even a word of cricket before she had gotten married! So perhaps, it was the marriage to this guy that made her follow cricket!

Anyhow, a bunch of us had met up for lunch, and we were wondering what we could do next. Since the boys wanted to pick a few games for their PlayStations, we went into a store that sold these. This girl, and her husband entered the store a few minutes after we were there.

Like most stores these days, this too had a wide-screen television hung on one of its wall. And whenever there is a cricket match in which India is involved, it invariably is stuck on to the channel broadcasting the match. Also, you can find a few kids standing so close to the screen that you begin to wonder why did they ever bother trying to make the screen bigger!

Now, as soon as this girl saw the television, she ran towards it and was analysing the score with great interest! And that is when I thought I should tell her this!

Me: Hey, that is not the telecast of the match that is being played today! It is the game, these kids are playing on the Xbox!

Moron times two!

I am sure all you guys have you come across a few people, who always have something to say to you, irrespective of how unqualified they are in that subject. Unbelievably, the entire place is infested with morons like these! This post is about one such retard. Um, actually, make it two!

I was driving to some place a couple of days ago, and had this moron for company beside me. There was another guy too, but more about him later. We encountered a bad stretch of road for far too long, due to some construction work going on in the highway, and had to slow down. I think the slow down, kind of made this moron a little restless.

Moron: You do not have to slow down for these bumps, man. Your car is built for taking these!

Me: Dude, shut up!

Now, if you are wondering as to why I asked him to shut up, here is a little history about him. He once rammed his motorbike to the rear wheel of my motorbike. Obviously, I was irritated.

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?

Moron: Relax, man! Bikes over 150 cc are designed to handle things like this!

You get it, right? That is his concept of building vehicles! Somebody ought to give him a lesson on use, misuse, and abuse!

The other day, he asked me to drive his car. As I was about to adjust the central rear view mirror of his car, he almost died in panic!

Moron: What are you doing, man?! You can switch it only from the day mode to the night mode, and nothing else!

Me: Actually, you can also move it around to get a better view of the rear!

Moron: Oh? I did not know that.

Funny thing is – he has been driving his car for over a year!

And yeah, the car he drives has the radio antenna installed on the roof. This meant that the antenna got lodged on to the frame of the garage entrance, each time he took drove through it. Evidently, he was getting quite frustrated with this, and decided to break the antenna off the roof. It was only then he figured that the entire antenna could be disassembled! And this too, after almost a year of having the car!

And to finish this, here is what he did yesterday. As I was slowing down due to a traffic pile up, he opened the door – even as the car was moving.

Me: Dude, what are you doing?

Moron: Sorry, man. I thought the car was stopped.

So, I guess it is quite clear why I asked him to shut up!

Now, remember I had mentioned there was another guy with us? Unfortunately for me, he too seemed to concur with the moron.

Well, the only thing you have to know about the second guy is – he has been learning to ride a geared motorbike for the last six years!

You can only imagine my situation!

Politically Incorrect!

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line. For the rest of you, I consider these as jokes, and I hope they are taken that way.

--

I had visited a friend yesterday, and I noticed the packaging of a Christmas Crib at his place. Looking at it, I was reminded about what he had told me happened in his place last Christmas.

While his sister was setting up the crib last year, she accidentally dropped the Joseph figure, and unfortunately for her, the figure was broken.

Now when it comes to setting up a crib, you could do it in any way you prefer. It is totally up to you to decide on the number of shepherds or the sheep that you would like to have. Moreover, the presence of a few characters is totally optional – like the three wise men and their camels. In general practice, the more the merrier. However, it is absolutely necessary to have the baby, with Mary and Joseph beside it.

Anyhow, his sister was in quite a predicament, considering the absence of Joseph in the crib, and she had to do something about it. So, in order to complete the crib, she decided to substitute Joseph by one of the many shepherds.

After a while her mother noticed this, and she had to say this.

Mother: What is that shepherd doing next to Mary? You will end up giving Mary a bad name!

--

I was out driving around with a couple of friends earlier this evening, when a couple of Sardars rode past our car, on their motorbikes. Obviously, neither of them was wearing a helmet.

Me: If you are a Sardar, you would not have to wear a helmet while you are riding a motorbike.

Friend: It probably does not matter to the Indian government if they are dead or alive!

Happy Ending!

I have this friend, who thinks he sounds like Russell Crowe, when he catches a cold! I wonder what is it with people trying to find a trait they share with some celebrity!

Anyway, I was listening to this song – leaving on a jet plane, covered by Chantal Kreviazuk, when I was riding back from work this evening, and it reminded me of this little stuff that happened a few weeks ago.

A bunch of us had gathered at a friend’s place, and were just talking about random things – just killing time until the others arrived. That is when I realised this girl amongst us, kind of, sounded a little different that day.

Me: What happened to your voice?

She: I have a cold.

Guy 1: She kind of sounds like that lady who sang that song, ‘leaving on a jet plane’.

Guy 2: Exactly!

Guy 1: Was it Alanis Morissette?

Me: No, it was Chantal, somebody.

As we continued talking about the song, I guess this girl seemed quite pleased that we thought she sounded like Chantal!

And just about then, this happened.

Guy 1: I think that was probably the crappiest version of that song, ever!

Everybody in the room, except this girl: Yeah, I was just going to say that!

Well, being compared to a celebrity does not necessarily lead to a happy ending!

Conversations

There is this one friend I have got, who is almost always at a different place whenever I call him! Anyway, the last time I spoke to him he was just about getting back home after a round of shopping with his wife and kid. As he was parking his car, he said he would call me back in five minutes, as he had to help his wife in carrying the stuff they had gotten for their home.

He did not call back!

A couple of hours later, he came up on IM, and here is the conversation we had:

He: Hi again, I was arranging things at home.

Me: I kind of understood that, uncle! One of the advantages of being single is you do not have to arrange things at home!

He: Ha, ha! I like cleanliness!

Me: I like practicality! There is no point wasting time in arranging things!

He: Why not?

Me: See, first you waste time in putting it in a place, and then in taking it out! Leave them all on a chair! You should see my room!

He: If everything is clean, you know where things are.

Me: Well, my room is not clean, and I still know where all my things are!

He: Grr!

Me: It is practical! But you cannot do it because you have a wife who says it has to be clean!

Me: Let us see what your wife has to say about that.

Me: There are a lot of things I need to check before I agree on a wife!

He: Hmm! You take so much time in choosing a car; you would take ages for choosing a wife!

Me: Of course! And I am in no hurry either!

He: We all are! You are among the last ones among us to get married!

Me: You can all wait! I want to rub the advantages of being single on you guys for as long as it takes!

He: Do you want me to list advantages of marriage?

Me: Go ahead! But be aware - I might use it in my blog if I find it interesting!

He: You get timely food.
You have company all the time.
There is no necessity of wasting time.

Me: Maggi noodles take two minutes to cook, and I have two dogs!

He: Okay simple - you have to get married sometime. It is better accomplish certain tasks soon.

Me: You could come up with just three reasons, huh?! Let me see, firstly I need to go to Himalayas. Marriage can wait!

He: Why not take your wife along? Give her an Avenger.

Me: Oh please! You would have to hear complaints about the cold, bad roads, bad seats on the bike, bad food, bad accommodation, dust, snow, her nails and her hair! And after all that I would have to take her pillion!

He: I give up!

--

Well, I could not find anything more interesting to write about this evening than this!

Ups & Downs

I have this one friend, who has been learning to drive since eternity, but still has not gotten the hang of it! Now, it so happened that she got her driving licence the very next day, after me, and a couple of other guys had teased her about her driving skills. And she did not waste much time in letting me know about her achievement!

She: Yay! I got my licence!

Me: It is a miracle!

She: It is ironic how you were commenting on my driving skills! God exists! IN YOUR FACE! Ha!

Me: Yeah right! Like you were waiting for the licence to start driving! See, in your case – the licence to you, is like wings to an ostrich!

She: Expletives and threats!

--

Last weekend, a bunch of us guys, had to wait for eons, so that the girls who had come along with us could finish their shopping. Funny thing is, we were there to pick up a gift for one of the guys!

Anyhow, we guys left the mall and we stopped someplace before we got back home. Now, it is not really important to know about the exact details, but I earned myself a compliment because of my chivalrous behaviour!

She: Thank you!

Me: Keep it in your pocket!

She: I do not have a pocket!

Me: Maybe you should have picked up one, while you spent all that time shopping!

She: Stop acting like my mother-in-law!

Me: Huh?!

--

There is this girl, who, apparently, can not cook. Cook well, that is! And I say apparently, because I have not eaten anything she has cooked till date! My judgement is based purely on the feedback received from a few guys who have had the honour of eating what she had cooked!

Anyhow, she had made another of her specialities yesterday, and I, unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, missed it!

She: Yet again, you missed my world famous gajar halwa!

Me: Ah, there is god!

She: Expletives!

A gun, a temple and a cop!

This time, last year, we guys were in Delhi on a vacation. I think I can say that it was my favourite vacation till date! I just fell in love with Delhi the very day I reached there, and I loved the winter even more! Since we stayed for more than a week, we visited quite a few places there. Each day was an adventure on its own, but this one day – when we visited the Akshardham temple, seemed like it was a lot more!

We were at Chandni Chowk while three among us decided to visit the temple. Now since the temple was located at quite a distance from where we were at, we were told that it would be best for us to take the metro. And luckily for us – the metro station was within walking distance. As we headed out to the station, we came across a store that sold airguns, and one of my friends – a so called impulsive shopper, bought a pistol, and along with it, some four-hundred pellets! He put it in his haversack, and we got going.

A few minutes later, after a splendid metro ride – we were at the temple. And yeah, between the time we got in the metro and got out of it, we played a little prank on the other group of guys, who stayed back at Chandni Chowk. But soon, we were to figure that we were going to have buns on our own faces instead!

Anyway, at the entrance of the temple complex, there was a security check and we had to walk through a metal detector. And when this guy with the gun walked through, well, the machine screamed out so loud, that you would think someone had grabbed the machine by its – um, you know what!

Quite obviously, he was asked to open up his pack. So were we, but I think the guards were more interested in what he was carrying in there! This is where things started getting – entertaining, if you can call it that! My friend was a little hesitant in showing the contents to them, which only made them more suspicious! Soon enough, they saw the pistol – with its metal barrel, and a solid wooden handle! And yeah, the four-hundred rounds of pellets too!

In no time, the guards from the other places too centred on us, like we were Santa Claus and were giving away presents! With the guards not understanding English, and us, totally sucking at Hindi, it was a little troubling to explain to them that it was only a toy! Well, I was not too sure if you can call it a toy – but we had to try it anyway! We tried telling them we just purchased it on our way to this place, but we could not prove it to them, as this wise-guy had not asked for the invoice!

The guards did not buy our version of the story, and got us across the road to a police check-post. The drama continued there, only this time, it was the Delhi police instead of the temple security! And nope, they were not very convinced with what we were saying either.

Finally, my friend decided to end the circus, and asked the cop if he could demonstrate the gun. The cop answered in the affirmative, and so this guy took a pellet and loaded it in. So now that the gun was loaded, there was only one more thing left to do – fire!

The next thing this guy said to the cop must most definitely be among the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to a cop!

Impulsive Shopper: Can I fire the gun now?

You should have seen the look on the cop! I mean, he must have been wondering if he is going to witness a shootout at his check-post, and that too, after he himself, having given his approval for it! We noticed another cop come by, and I think he flipped the safety switch on his semi-automatic rifle to the armed position!

Good sense prevailed though, and my friend handed the gun to the cop, and asked him to fire it instead! The cop agreed to the idea immediately, and took the gun. I do not know why, but he unloaded it, and loaded it once over. Then he aimed the gun at a tree, some three feet in front of him. The people around us moved a few steps back, covered their ears with their palms, and began to squint their eyes! And then the cop pulled the trigger!

Bang!

It was a comedy of sorts – the pellet, of course, was thrown out the barrel, hit the tree, bounced back, and fell down! Everyone was smiling, but for one guy – the one who purchased the gun! There was a collective roar from everybody saying that it was not real! Ironically, that is what we had been trying to say since we arrived! The other cop switched his rifle to the safe position, and was flaunting it at us!

The cop who fired the gun, now had a grin on his face and started enquiring about how much it cost us, and told us how he found it unreasonably expensive for the displayed performance! My friend, who was going through this entire trauma, was visibly disappointed at learning the fact that the gun he bought had a shooting range of some three feet!

The temple guards still did not want the responsibility of having the gun deposited in their lockers, so it was agreed that we deposit it with the cops, and then enter the temple, and pick it back on our way out. We handed the gun to the cops and we entered the temple!

That is another story all together, and I should probably save it for another post!

PS: The aforementioned prank we played on our friends involved convincing them that this dude was busted at the metro station, when they security there found him carrying a gun. Sadly the joke turned back on us, when he did get busted, just when we told them it was only a prank!

And oh, the gun only fired three feet as it was not loaded correctly. Somehow, I think we were lucky the cop failed to load it correctly!

How to make an American!

There are a few things that you remember, irrespective of how long it has been since it actually happened. This post is about one such thing.

Back when I was still studying, there was this girl in class. Her dad was a Bengali, and her mum was a Kannadiga. Thinking about it, I cannot recall how we got to know that information, or how it mattered to any one of us anyway! But in any case, that information led to one hell of a laugh back then, and of course, this post too!

Coming back to this girl – well, she spoke in an accent that would probably give a complex to an American himself! You get the gist, right?

One day in class, she happened to ask me something, and I think her fake accent, kind of, irritated my friend sitting beside me more than it did usually. As I turned to look forward he told me this:

He: I did not know that when you cross a Bengali with a Kannadiga, you end up having an American!

Happy Birthday!

Have you guys noticed that when you are someplace celebrating a birthday and start singing, a bunch of people who have no business whatsoever come along and join you in singing?

Now, check out this picture.

If you are wondering why I put a picture of teddy in the blog – well, believe it or not, but this was the candle my friends put up on my birthday cake this year! And considering the fact that last year the candle on the cake said ‘3’, I think this is an improvement!

In case you are wondering why there is no cake in the picture – I am getting right to that!

This anyway is not about the candle, but the cake. Rather, what gets written on the cake! (Come to think of it – it is not about that either!) I do not know if people actually write anything decent on cakes anymore. I mean, it is almost shocking to see a cake with just a name or a nickname these days! Quite frankly, I can not remember the last time when the guy whom I asked to write the stuff on the cake has not looked back at me in absolute disbelief! And I suppose it is true with the other guys, who I would like to call a gang too!

Okay, I guess I hang out with a bunch of people who may be a little more twisted than the rest of you guys – but you know what? They are a lot of fun!

Coming back to my birthday cake and the celebrations - we guys were out at a restaurant and the finale was the presentation of the birthday cake. Now as these guys started singing, the waiters too, joined in. Of course, they had no idea what my name was and they thought they could pull it off by reading my name written on the cake!

Big mistake! Anyway, they started singing -

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear – what the?!

Oh, you should have been there to see the look on their faces! And nope, I am not going to say what was written on it!

Absinthe

Is it not wonderful to celebrate life for no reason at all? Last night, we guys did just that – celebrate for no reason at all!

Actually what happened was this friend had gotten the place to himself, as his parents were out of town. So he made sure he got the best of it by inviting us over! Now coincidentally, another friend had just gotten back from across the seas, and as a tradition as it has become now – brought back a bottle of some fine liquor! This time is was Absinthe, and just so that you know - 68% of its volume was alcohol!

What is the big deal you ask? You see, a guy who initially told that he would not be joining us for the evening, reached the place within five minutes of learning that there was going to be a bottle of Absinthe involved in the celebrations! And he did this without telling his wife, and leaving her behind at home – alone! (In case you happen to be that wife – this never happened, and I just made it up!)

Anyway, among us there was this guy – who after downing a glass of the drink thought he could gulp another shot of it – without diluting it! And that led to this conversation.

Me: Dude, after you do that if I look through your mouth – I would probably be able see all the way to your asshole!

Another guy: Yeah, and I could tell you the colour of your underwear looking through your mouth!

PS: The drink turned out to be such a flop! I guess I could finish a cup of tea quicker than these guys took to finish a drink! On a personal note, I think it would make a very good mouthwash – just gargle it around your mouth and spit it out!

Broken? No, it’s cracked!

Of late, a lot of the conversations I have had with my friends have been revolving around the Bullet and quite frankly, I have nothing nice to say about that bike.

While most of them seem to believe that they are being a part of a cult or something by owning a Bullet, I just cannot seem to understand what exactly do these guys find in an over-rated, over-designed, underperforming and uncomfortable motorbike! And just so that you know – I am making that statement after having ridden a Bullet, and a brand new one at that. You know, my bum was resonating for a good thirty minutes even after I had gotten off that bike!

Anyway, that is my version of the comfort level of the bike, and I suppose it is just me! Here is an incident I want to share, about a friend who considered owning a Bullet as his ambition! You will kind of get an idea of what goes through these guys’ heads when they want a Bullet.

Now this guy had gone to check out a used Bullet with another friend and I met them once they got back.

Me: So, how was the bike?

Bullet Guy: Dude, it was awesome!

Other Guy: Dude, the chassis was broken!

Bullet Guy: It was not broken – it was just cracked!

Other Guy: The shocks were not working!

Bullet Guy: It was not like they were not working – it was just that they were stuck!

Other Guy: The bike did not even have a battery. The guy got one from another bike and got it started!

Bullet Guy: That is for safety so that no one would steal the bike!

Other Guy: Yeah, like anyone would even want to steal that bike!

So, you get it right?! Happy riding!

Colour Me Pink!

Have I ever told you how much I love the colour pink? Well, I love it more than I love kids!

Um, now that does not come up as a very good illustration. See, when it comes to kids – I just cannot stand them! But with pink, I certainly do not have anything against it – at least not when it is being used by a girl!

Pink is a girly colour! (So is peach, and lavender! And oh, until very recently, I did not even know that peach and lavender were actually colours.)

Now if you happened to disagree with whatever I said, here is a quick test for you – imagine if the background of this page were to be pink – would you not have thought that I must be a girl?!

Okay, now that I shut you up – let me get back to where I was going! I guess all you guys would agree with me that most girls look good in pink! So the obvious logical thing for everyone to do is just let the girls have it. Alas, we do not live in a very logical world, do we? Now picture this – I once saw a guy wearing a pink Kurt Cobain t-shirt! Should Kurt Cobain be glad he shot himself or what?!

Anyhow, in the last year or so, I have been bumping into so many guys (as in literally – guys!) who used to wear pink (and peach, and lavender) that I just could not help but tell them how girly it was. Initially, this stuff was just restricted to the guys, but eventually I started pointing this to the girls too. Soon enough, I was making a comment anytime I saw pink, anywhere. And trust me – I was annoying everyone with it! I had no idea back then that I would get it back some day!

So, I had mentioned elsewhere that I had changed my job a few months ago. Now the friends from work had thrown one hell of a farewell party for me. Had I known what was in store in that party, I would have chosen not to have the farewell and would have stayed back in the old job itself!

These guys had decorated the entire place with, mostly pink balloons and pink ribbons! And then some of the extra ribbons were stuck on to my shirt! Oh, I certainly will not get into the details of everything that transpired that evening, but I should tell you this – at one stage through the party, I was standing there wearing a very pink t-shirt, covered with a lot bling and holding on to a bunch of flowers! I guess I looked like a piñata that so needed to be whacked into oblivion!

I also received a little basket filled with an assortment of many girly things that night! Here is a partial list of the contents I found in the basket:

1. two pink lollipops.
2. one pink candy that looked like a lipstick.
3. one pink bubble blower.
4. one ZooZoo key-ring. (This did not have any pink, but there is a story behind it!)
5. one pink whistle.
6. one key-ring which had a pink elephant, wearing a flowery dress and bow!

What can I say – if I were a girl, I would have been the happiest girl in the whole wide world!

And yeah, one last thing – on their way out, they stuck some pink balloons on my bike!

I do not think I can have an evening as pink as that ever again! Anyway, at the end of it, I did promise the girls that I would not comment on any of the pink they wear from that day forward! And I must say – I have been fairly successful with my word!

PS: A friend had asked me to blog about this a while ago, but I never got around doing it. This post happened today because I spotted the pink elephant key-ring lying on my table!

Thank you guys, for that memorable evening!

I am getting married!

For all you morons who are getting ideas – you are going to be very disappointed!

I guess most of us know that when a girl meets another of her girl friends after an amazingly long time, the third person (unlucky enough) to be with them kind of gets redundant - and more so if you are a guy!

And that is exactly what happened with me this one day. A bunch of us had gone to visit a friend at her place. After a while, most of the guys left because something came up, and it so happened that I was stuck between these two girls. As expected, they started catching up on all the things they had missed, and it was almost like I was watching a Hindi show on the television!

At first, it was kind of interesting listening to them, but soon enough I got bored of it! I looked around her place to find something that could keep me occupied. Well, I spent some time looking for patterns on the wall painting, then for patterns in the floor and eventually I kept myself entertained by trying to focus on amoebas in my eye!

I do not really know how much time had passed before they realised I too was sitting amongst them. I think they figured by the very blank look on my face that I had no clue as to what was happening in that room! So, one of the girls got me to speed by saying:

Girl 1: She is getting married!

Me: Wow, Congratulations!

Girl 2: Thanks!

Anyway, the conversation continued and I was a little more active this time around - though I still kept wandering out of it every now and then, as I was so intrigued with these amoebas in my eye!

Anyhow, it was time to leave and I had to drop this soon to be married girl back to her place. Here is a part of the conversation that we had while getting back home:

Me: So, you are getting married, huh?

She: Yeah.

Me: How soon are you getting married?

She: It is not decided yet.

Me: Okay, so what is this guy doing?

She: Oh, the guy is not decided yet either!

Me: Huh?! You say you are getting married and you do not know when, or to whom!

She: It is like that at the moment!

Me: You know, most people who are getting married do know this part of the information!

She: Yeah, but it is just a plan as of now!

Me: Oh, in that case – I am getting married too!

Were they that bad?!

This is something that happened a very long time ago. I met up with two of my friends – let me just call them – Rock Fan and Musically Challenged! Obviously, Rock Fan is exactly that and he has a great taste in rich music; and Musically Challenged is the one who thinks that Punjabi pop is like the best thing ever to have happened to humankind!

Now, Rock Fan had just been to the Iron Maiden concert only the previous day, and quite understandably – was still high from his experience! He so had to share his experience with anyone and everyone whom he came across. However, I think he should have known better than to share it with Musically Challenged!

RF: You know, the way the concert started was amazing! All the lights went out – and the stage was pitch-dark! Just seconds later the lights came back on, and these guys were in the middle of the stage! And then they started playing! I had tears in my eyes, man!

You should have been there to feel the emotions he shared it with! He had goose-bumps just explaining all this to us! Musically Challenged seemed least bit interested, and he simply asked him this:

MC: Why, were they that bad?!

I think RF had tears in his eyes once again!

Sharks & Dirty Underwear!

Warning: You may find this post a little dirty!

The other day I was at the office loo, while I heard this conversation between these two guys – who also happen to be my friends.

Guy 1: Remember the day at your place when I pulled down your pants?! I got to see your underwear!

Guy 2: Oh yeah!

Guy 1: Man, your underwear had so many holes!

Guy 2: I know. And I am wearing the same underwear today!

Guy 1: I guess you can use your underwear as a fishing net!

Guy 2: Hey, I think it is a little too much!

Guy 1: And the holes are so big, I am sure that even a shark could swim through one of it!

--

Sticking on with underwear, I am reminded of another story shared by a friend, V. Now V used to earlier live with his friend, S – and the place they stayed only had a single bathroom.

S, apparently, was constantly annoyed with V for spending so much time inside the bathroom every morning. On one fine day he decided to confront V, as he stepped out of the bathroom.

S: What do you do inside the bathroom for so long? You only have to take a bath!

V: Yeah, but I wash my underwear after my bath. So that takes some time.

S: Do you mean to say you wash your underwear everyday?!

V: Yeah, of course! Why, do you not wash them daily?!

S: No!

V: But why?!

S: Since they are worn on the inside, they can not get dirty, right?!

I guess this was the reason why they chose to live separately!

PS: I guess this would probably be the last of my posts on weird things that happen in office! I really doubt if I can find a gang as notorious as the one I hung out with!

Change

I have been delaying this for far too long now and I am beginning to wonder if there is any sanity in writing it at the moment. I did make an effort earlier to pen down some stuff, but I was too emotional to keep it going!

Irrespective of the fact that a lot many people keep telling you about how change is required for progress and all that crap, you have to accept that at the end of the day – change does suck, and it sucks big time!

To top it all – I feel like a hypocrite here because, at one time, I used to lecture people about accepting the change, adapting to it, and moving along; and I am stuck here pondering, and refusing to acknowledge the change!

Well, I quit my job last week – after having worked there for six long years. And it was my first job too. I still remember how excited I was back in college when I got this job. I had thought I would never leave the place until my retirement!

But I suppose time changes everything!

Balls to time, and balls to change!

To leave was definitely the most difficult decision I have ever had to take yet, and I certainly know that I have decided right. The only aftermath of this is the very crappy feeling that I have – which is even worse than having gone through a break-up!

Of all the things that I miss – it is the amazing friends I had made there that I miss the most! The many tea-breaks, post-breakfast breaks, the extended lunch-breaks, the intellectual talks in second-shifts, the philosophical talks in first-shifts, the talks by the water-cooler, the pink jokes, the bubble wraps, the never ending brainstorming sessions, the mechanism classes, the conference calls, the morning meetings, the things I can not write here and all the little things I had taken for granted – they seem so precious to me now!

I have been extremely lucky to have gotten a chance to work with such a wonderful bunch of people! This one is for each and every one of you who made it so memorable! I miss you guys, and I love you all! Thank you for the memories!

PS: I hope this crappy feeling goes away when I receive a fat pay this month end!