Awakening

Life as we know it – is an imperfect vision of reality. I do not recall where I had read this, but at this moment, I cannot seem to agree more.

I had always believed that one among my strongest characteristics, was my ability to stay unattached to people. And if I were to look back, I can safely say that it has been quite essentially true. Now do not get me wrong – I would never say that I did not get close to the people I interacted with. I really did. But I was always practical enough to understand that – come one day, circumstances would make it imperative, that we go our own separate ways. And when that day did arrive – I would pack my bags, walk away, and never once look back.

Like they say – when you loose somebody whom you love too much, it hurts – even to look back.

Well, there was this one time though, when I was too stunned to walk away – but at the end of it, it only made me resolve to get that characteristic stronger. And I suppose I did get it stronger. I have often been asked – how could one be so unemotional? I did not know how one could be otherwise.

But somewhere along the road, things had begun to change. I am not sure if I was that naïve not to have noticed it, or if I was just pretending to have not noticed it. Although not very different, I knew I was not the same – when I had seriously reconsidered, if I indeed needed to take up a new job offer I had received, and leave behind everything I reason.

I did take up that new job. I did leave a lot behind me. And in little time, I was back to being unemotional me.

I could not have been more wrong.

Yesterday, I did not walk away. Instead, I stood right there and watched – because I could go no further. Teary-eyed, I could see the image getting smaller as it went farther – until it finally ebbed away into the expanse.

I still stood there, and looked in the direction, hoping to catch one last glimpse. I even wiped my tears, thinking it would help me see better. But no, I could not see what I wanted to see. Neither could I stop the tears from flowing.

Everything stood still – paused. The cacophony turned to silence. And my mind was stuck. Memories streamed by – in reverse – all the way to the beginning, until I could remember no more.

And then, the noise returned. I had to snap out of it. I took a couple of steps back. I did not want to turn away yet. But then, I knew I had to walk back. And so I did. As much as it hurt – I did look back. And I will always look back.

Maybe I am not that very different after all. I am human. I am me.

Not being able to forget somebody, is not quite the same as always being able to remember somebody.

This is to let you know, that you are being missed.

Breach

Funny thing about gravity is – its persistence to get back what gets taken away from it. The sheer abundance of it, and the subtle way in which it works – makes us, kind of, oblivious to its existence. When you think about it, it is not all that difficult to work against gravity – each time you pick an object up, you are going against the force of gravity. But of course, gravity does eventually get it back, because that is what it does. Neither does it ask you to acknowledge its existence, nor does it question you when you work against it. Gravity just holds everything together, because that is what it is supposed to do. Gravity is magnanimous.

However, gravity too does have its limitations - go too fast, or to far away from it – and then gravity has no choice but to let you go. But then, you need to accelerate to something like 9.81 metres per second square to do that. To put it down simply – unless you are hell-bent on getting away from it, you pretty much cannot get away from it.

Now, would it not be a wonderful thing if something like gravity would keep us people together?

I guess, we could say that, trust, in a way, acts like gravity among us people. But trust, unfortunately, does not have the perseverance that gravity has.

Trust is selfish. Trust requires you to acknowledge its presence and reassure its being. Trust is feeble.

You do not have to accelerate a great deal, or go all that far away to break away from the holds of trust. All it takes is – one action, one lie, one comment, or one hint of betrayal. And unlike in the case of gravity, you can break the holds of trust even if you did not intend to. Trust is awfully complicated.

The only area where trust probably gets the better of gravity is – restoration. Once you get away from the holds of gravity, there is virtually no coming back. However, there is a reasonable chance that you can repair the trust you have broken. But do understand that it does involve honest determination and a lot of hard work from your side.

It is true that in some cases the broken trust may never return to where it originally was. But then again, sometimes, it is better that it does not return to where it was. In the end, all that matters is to have the bond with trust reunited.

In my personal opinion, the restoration process should only make the bond much stronger. After all, no one values trust – as much as the ones who have suffered from its violation.

It was worth all the while

I was speaking with this friend a few days back, and our conversation was filled with a lot of nonsense like it always does. But somehow through all our stupidity, we got talking about what we had achieved in the year that had gone by. And as I was listing down my accomplishments, she reminded me that I had also gotten her last year!

Yes, it is true I had gotten her, and she certainly is one amongst the most amazing people I know. I even told her that I rate her as my friend of the year! (Well, so you get an idea of the nonsense we talk about!)

Anyhow, after I got off the phone with her – for whatever reason, I kept thinking about having told her that I rate her as the friend of the year. Yeah, I figure it is rather stupid of me to have done that, but then, considering some of the things I think about, this is progress! To be really honest, I did not give it much, or any, thought while I said that to her. But I reckon, if at all anyone had to be in that place – it so had to be her. Okay, enough about her for this post.

Since I had nothing worthwhile to do that evening, I decided to look back down the years, and identify the one person from each year – who had the greatest influence on me, or the one who had been there for me while I most needed it, or the person, with whom I had the best time with, or all of them!

I must say that I had always thought I had a splendid memory! I suppose I was wrong, because it did take me a great deal of time to jot down names of individuals who made that list. But at the end of it, I did feel glad that I spent all that time making one.

Now, coming to the list, though a few names did repeat for more than a year, the list did have a considerable number of names that did not repeat. It definitely was pleasing to know that a few guys have stuck on for all these years. Moreover, I was a little balled over to figure that I had been influenced by so many different individuals. And it was while I sat there looking at this list it struck to me that I had absolutely no idea what some of the people whose names were on this list were up to these days!

Frankly, it made me sick to learn that I had completely lost track of people – who at one time meant so much to me! I tried to convince myself that it was alright that I did not know what the guys from my school days were up to, but I could not make up any reasons for having lost touch with people who were so dear just some four odd years ago. And if the past trend is anything to go by, I am certain that I would soon loose a lot more people who made it to this list, in just a few years time.

It is quite natural to make new friends as we move along, but do we necessarily have to discard the old relationships that have been so fruitful all the while? So, do all friendships have to have an expiry date? Does this mean that the friendship we shared was not real? Does this mean I used these people for my benefit, and discarded them when I had no use of them? Does this make me an overtly selfish person? Am I the only one like this, or does this happen with everyone?

Well, I do not think I want to know the answers to any of these. But I do know that for what it was worth – it was worth all the while!

Change

I have been delaying this for far too long now and I am beginning to wonder if there is any sanity in writing it at the moment. I did make an effort earlier to pen down some stuff, but I was too emotional to keep it going!

Irrespective of the fact that a lot many people keep telling you about how change is required for progress and all that crap, you have to accept that at the end of the day – change does suck, and it sucks big time!

To top it all – I feel like a hypocrite here because, at one time, I used to lecture people about accepting the change, adapting to it, and moving along; and I am stuck here pondering, and refusing to acknowledge the change!

Well, I quit my job last week – after having worked there for six long years. And it was my first job too. I still remember how excited I was back in college when I got this job. I had thought I would never leave the place until my retirement!

But I suppose time changes everything!

Balls to time, and balls to change!

To leave was definitely the most difficult decision I have ever had to take yet, and I certainly know that I have decided right. The only aftermath of this is the very crappy feeling that I have – which is even worse than having gone through a break-up!

Of all the things that I miss – it is the amazing friends I had made there that I miss the most! The many tea-breaks, post-breakfast breaks, the extended lunch-breaks, the intellectual talks in second-shifts, the philosophical talks in first-shifts, the talks by the water-cooler, the pink jokes, the bubble wraps, the never ending brainstorming sessions, the mechanism classes, the conference calls, the morning meetings, the things I can not write here and all the little things I had taken for granted – they seem so precious to me now!

I have been extremely lucky to have gotten a chance to work with such a wonderful bunch of people! This one is for each and every one of you who made it so memorable! I miss you guys, and I love you all! Thank you for the memories!

PS: I hope this crappy feeling goes away when I receive a fat pay this month end!

Sometimes

Sometimes, speaking the truth is not necessarily the best option.

Sometimes, it is better to say nothing, than say anything at all.

Sometimes, people do not really want to hear the truth – no matter how much they insist that they do.

Sometimes, the people whom you trust the most – are the very ones who bring you the greatest sorrow.

Sometimes, you realise that things are a lot different from what they used to be.

Sometimes, you are forced to do things that you do not necessarily like.

Sometimes, you say things that you do not really mean.

Sometimes, you question the existence of God.

Sometimes, you do not see the things that are right in front of you.

Sometimes, you need to break the rules you have set for yourself.

Sometimes, you realise that it is best for you to let go.

Sometimes, you are wrong even when you are right.

Sometimes, you loose friends.

Sometimes, it is okay for you to cry.

Sometimes, people lie.

Sometimes, you screw up.

Sometimes, you write crap like this when you have nothing else to write about!

You Can’t See Me!

Say you are walking and you are accompanying a bunch of other guys. You happen to see a friend coming in the other direction, but your friend can not see you!

Say you are walking alone, and you see your friend coming in the other direction – this time, alone. Now your friend can see you!

Say you are walking alone, and you see your friend coming in the other direction – this time around, with a bunch of their friends. Your friend can not see you again!

Say you are walking with a bunch of guys who are also friends with this friend, you see coming in the other direction. Your friend can not see you again! They see the guys ahead of you, and behind you – but not you!

Ah, funny world!

I was wondering what the crap was all this about, and I think I have finally found the answer! My friend is playing this game called You Can’t See Me! The rules are simple – you just choose not to recognise your friend, except when you meet them alone!

And you know what? Although I have started late, I think I am getting really good at playing this game, and it looks like I am winning! And my prize is a lost friend!

I read somewhere that it is sometimes important to loose friends to realise how important they really are. Let me go mourn my loss!

Crap! I should stop reading philosophy!

Momentary Lapse of Reason

This little incident occurred a long time ago – say about six or so years ago. (Strangely, I can remember stuff that took place ages ago, but I can not remember things that passed by in the previous hour!) Anyway, I can not seem to recall what the mess was about, but I ended up giving a piece of my mind to this girl. (Actually, I do, but I’d rather not talk about it!)

Unfortunately, circumstances demanded that we meet up again on the next day. The guys there had enough sense not to bring up this topic – all except one, that is.

A friend of her, who had absolutely nothing to do with the mess, probably thought she could be a hero, decided to confront me; and in front of everybody. (Damn, there as many commas in that sentence as there are words!)

She: Ashwin, I know it is none of my business, but I think you need to apologise to Rachael.

I could have ignored her, or just nodded my head in acceptance, and thinking about it now, probably even showed her the finger! I could - it may have been politer than what I did.

Me: Yeah, you’re right – it’s none of your business!

I have never seen her shut-up, for a longer duration.

My biggest weakness, I think, is the inability to keep my trap shut when I ought to. And obviously, my verbal diarrhoea brings along many incentives along with it.

Of course, I have messed up - again!

PS: I have never known any girl named Rachael, so get the point!

Crossroads

I am just sitting here wondering whether I should go ahead now, and get hurt later; or chicken out of this right now, and make things simpler.

This is probably one of the easier decisions that I have had to take, of late. After all, the fear of loosing it is so huge, that there is no way I am going ahead. Or rather, I am simply not strong enough to go ahead.

This is where I get off.

Okay, now that I have got that crap out of my head, let me find out what’s cooking for lunch! Bon Appétit!

The soothsayer

While I was in Italy, there was this one girl in office, who did all the stupid things that girls normally do! Actually, almost all the girls there did one stupid thing or the other, but this one was far ahead of all of them - combined!

Her seat was not too far off from where I was, and so I did get to see her do most of the circus that she did! She was the biggest source of entertainment in office! And at all the times when she saw me laughing at the things she was doing, she kept telling me: “Ashwin, you will miss me!” I always used to laugh it off, and once even told her that I would probably miss listening to her saying that I would miss her!

Anyway, now I am back in Bangalore, and no longer get to witness any of her tricks. The office here is dull and boring, without her! And now, I am just thinking to myself: damn, I really miss her!

The Call!

There are a few people I’ve met in the past, whom I don’t want to meet, in future! I guess it’s a pretty natural thing to do and most people do have their own ‘people to avoid’ list!

Anyway, one way to get pesky people off your back is to not give them your mobile number when you have changed it! But what if they do get your number from a common friend, and call you up?

It can end up being really embarrassing, as it did for me! I was at the office pantry yesterday morning, chatting with friends while I got this call.

Me: Hello?

She: Hello, is this Ashwin?

Me: Yeah.

She: Hi, Ashwin! This is Megan! How are you?

Me: Oh hi, Megan! I’m doing good! How have you been?

She: I’m doing good, too! How have you been? And where are you now?

Me: (Huh? I just answered that, didn’t I?!) Good, good! I’m at work. So what are doing these days?

She: I’m in the eighth semester now. Can I talk to you now, or are you busy?

Me: Hey, I can talk! (I’m in trouble!) Are you in your vacations now, or has college started?

She: College has started, but I don’t have to go to college, as we have to do our projects.

Me: Oh? So where are you doing your project? (How did she get my number?)

She: HAL. (And she went on about the details of her project) And why haven’t you messaged or given me a call?

Me: (Oh crap! What do I say?!) Aah, I had a problem with my phone. Lost all the numbers.

She: Hmm, its been long. (I think she figured out that I wasn’t being honest!)

Me: Yeah, it has. (Its been about a year and four months, actually!)

She: I’ve got placed!

Me: Congrats! Where?

She: Thanks! (And she tells me the two companies she’s got an offer from.) So, how are you? Aah, how’s everyone at home?

Me: (Is she playing a tape, or something?!) Everyone’s good. What about you?

She: Everyone’s fine. So which company do you think I should join?

Me: (Huh? How do I know?) Aah, I don’t really know much about what goes in a software industry, as I’m in a mechanical setup, so, I don’t really know if I can help you out with this.

She: No, just tell, na?

Me: Pick the one, which is closer to your home! (Duh!)

She: Training isn’t going to be in Bangalore, and then I could be posted anywhere.

Me: Oh? Well, who is paying you more?! I mean, is there like a big difference is the pay package? (How difficult could it be?!)

She: Not really, just about two-three thousand. (She tells some more about the offers!)

Me: I can check with a my friends and let you know. But I think both these companies are good, and to start off in either of them is great!

She: Hmm! So, what’s new?

Me: Well, have I told you that I got transferred to a new department last year?

She: No.

Me: I’ve changed my number too! (I thought it was more polite to bring it up this way!)

She: Yeah I know! I called you old number now. Your friend gave me this number.

Me: That’s my dad! (Okay, I agree that I am really stupid!)

She: Oh?

Me: Then, what else? (Yeah, what else?!)

She: Well, I'll call you up sometime. Keep in touch!

Me: Yeah, okay! Bye! (Strange, she’s hanging up!)

She: Bye!

I was a little uncomfortable after the call. I felt I shouldn’t have done this, at least not to her! I think was probably more disappointed with myself, than embarrassed. I was thinking about it once I came back home too. I did send her an apology message before I went to bed, but even now, I still feel bad about it!

(Some names have been changed to protect their identity!)

everything changes

if you just walked away
what could i really say?
would it matter anyway?
would it change how you feel?

i am the mess you chose
the closet you cannot close,
the devil in you i suppose
'cause the wounds never heal.

but everything changes
if i could turn back the years
if you could learn to forgive me
then i could learn to feel.

sometimes the things i say
in moments of disarray
succumbing to the games we play
to make sure that it's real.

when it's just me and you
who knows what we could do.
if we can just make it through
the toughest part of the day.

stay here together
and we could
conquer the world.
if we could
say that 'forever'
is more than just a word.

if you just walked away
what could I really say?
would it matter anyway?
it wouldn't change how you feel!

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hmm! yeah, i apperantly thought we'd last 'forever'! at least that is what we'd promised to each other!

but at the end of the day, i still miss you sweetheart!

i still miss you!

i wish you hadn't walked away.