Oh Crap!

Warning: The following post contains a lot of crap! Read at your own risk!

You know what? I am bored with all the crap that I have been writing here. Like come on, does anybody still read this crap? (As far as I know, I think just two guys still read it!) And yeah, speaking of crap, here is something that I want to share.

I first had this thought a few days back, and I somehow happened to discuss about it with a few friends today too. So, I might as well get all you guys (or perhaps the two of you) enlightened! And the thought is this:

No matter who you are, what you do, where you are from; you are all eventually going to end up as poop!

Seriously! Do you not believe me?

Sad!

Fine, may be I just have to prove it to you then! What exactly do you think is going to happen once we die?

Okay, stop it – I am not talking about going to heaven or hell! From what people tell me – I think I have no chance in hell, to make it to heaven! But I guess it would be quite an experience to meet Saint Peter at the gates of, uh, whatever! Ah, I am digressing!

So coming back to the topic, what exactly happens with our dead body?

Some of us may be buried, some of us may be cremated, and the lucky few – fed to birds!

And then what do you think is going to happen? Of course, anyone in the last category would very quickly realise that they are going to end up as bird crap!

Strike one!

Now the buried guys are going to decompose too, right? And from whatever little science I could grasp way back in school, I figure the process involves being consumed by tiny creatures. And once they eat – you are going to end up as their shit!

Strike two!

Now, the process with the cremated guys is a little complicated. Of course, the only stuff that remains after the incineration is ash. The ash is then disposed off in a river, or maybe even buried. Well, I suppose some fish does fancy eating ash. If not fish, I am sure there must be someone who would eventually eat you. Even if buried, you may be absorbed into the soil and blah, but you see, I can prove that you too would end up as crap, sometime or the other. I just do not want to bore you with all the technical crap, and scare you (two) away too!

So there you go – Strike three!

See, in the end, it all comes down to crap!

PS: I know that the lines at the start of my theory are like an absolute rip-off from a Backstreet Boys song; of course, with out the poop part! That is because I initially planed to write something silly about them, but I changed my mind! But just in case you still listen to them - you seriously should grow up!

Woof-woof!

I set out to write about this little thing that happened in office today, but I guess I’d rather not! (Hah, pretty neat idea for a build up, isn’t it?!) Well, it was only recently that I figured out that most guys in office think of me as some kind of a saint; and I am in no hurry to have them change their opinion! (Instead, I guess I should share something that makes me look cooler!)

A couple of months ago, a pup happened to land up at a friend’s place, and this is what she had to tell about the happening.

She: We were awoken from our sleep because of some squeaking sounds. At first I thought it must be a mouse. A little later, the noise got louder, and I thought it must be a cat. The noise still kept getting louder, and I thought it could be a pup and decided to check it. And there it was – a pup in our balcony!

Me: Damn, you should have slept for a little longer – maybe you would have woken up and found a lion cub in your balcony!

She: Growl!

(Okay, she did not growl, but I am trying to look cooler, you see!)

Anyway, these guys could not adopt him for certain reasons, and so dropped him at the SPCA shelter, rather than just leaving him out on the street. It was definitely a nice thing to do. And yesterday, another friend helped an injured dog by calling SPCA for rescuing him.

So guys – do your part in helping the strays. Give them some food and water. Adopt a pup if possible. Else, call up SPCA or CUPA and get them sterilised. It would not cost you guys much!

And yes, you are all welcome!

How to be a South-Indian!

You know what? I think I attract stupid people; and they bring all of their stupidity along with them! I think it is God’s way of getting back at me for not going to church often! Just when I have thought that I have already met the stupidest person alive, someone new always shows up!

I was doing my stuff in office this morning, while a colleague came by. Here is what followed.

He: (Referring to my moustache) Is this a new look?

I was not in a mood for any sarcasm that early in the morning, so I just smiled back at him.

He: You now look like a South-Indian!

Me: Huh? Dude, even North-Indians have moustaches! For instance, ever heard of Punjab?!

He: No, that is not what I meant. It is just that you look like a South-Indian!

Me: Dude, I AM a South-Indian! And also, now you are being a racist!

He: No! If you do not believe me, you go and watch any of the South-Indian movies, be it Kannada, Tamil, Telugu or Malayalam; all their heroes have moustaches!

Me: Ah, I do not watch any of these movies! (Oh God, why am I even having this conversation?!)

He: You do not have to watch the movies, just go out and check out any of the movie posters!

At this stage, I had two choices – continue the conversation and be subjected to more stupidity; or just agree to whatever the crap he said and be spared!

For a change, I decided to be a little wiser this time!

Bedtime Stories!

Here is a question: what do you do in a loo? Geez, now do not get any ideas, alright?!

Well, you could take a leak; or take a crap; or maybe wash up. That is about it, right? And oh, just in case you can think any more things that you can do in a loo, then, good for you! But I sure hope, that ‘socialising’ is nowhere on that list!

Of all places, a loo is the last place for any kind of socialising. Like, come on! Unless, of course, you are a, uh, never mind! I think loos should be made like these ‘quiet zones’, like in hospitals – you walk in, do you job, and get out. Just keep your mouth shut (again unless you are a, you know)!

Anyway, there are a few guys in office, who I run into only at the loo. I swear, I have no idea where these guys sit! And these guys have to catch up on things since the last time they met you, and I so damn hate it!

The other day I was at the urinal, while this guy walked by and said, “Hey buddy, how is it going?!”

And I said, “Pretty effortlessly! Thank you for asking!” I sure hope he got it!

Now the second bunch of idiots, think that the loo is one big telephone booth! These guys can be divided into two groups – one, who actually answer their calls while at the urinal, or for that matter, while sitting on the crapper; and two (these are weirder ones), who actually walk into the loo to speak on the mobile phone! Do these guys need help, or what?

Ah, now I am kind of wondering as to why I wrote this crap, and also thinking about a suitable ending! And all I can come up with is – flush!

Goodnight!