Unlikely Marriage Proposal

I was having a web chat with a friend the other day. Here is an excerpt, if you can call it that, from it!

Me: Hey!

Now, she was away from her computer for long, and it was quite a while before she replied.

She: Yes?

Me: Ah, I forgot what I wanted to tell you! You were out for long.

She: Yes.

Me: So, done with your dinner?

She: Yes.

Me: You answered the last three of my questions with a ‘yes’. Assuming the trend will continue, can I ask you something else?!

She: Ha! Smart move, Ashwin!

Me: I just lost my chance, didn’t I?

She: You will never know!

Me: Crap, I should have just pulled a fast one on you!

Will I Ever Learn?!

A friend of mine moved to Europe earlier this year. Our busy work schedule meant that we could not speak with each other for quite a while. But he did call me up a couple of weekends ago. He mentioned that he had intended to catch up with everyone from the gang that day. But by the time we were done speaking, he said he was going to take a nap, and that he would speak with the rest of the guys on some other day! Was that hint a little too subtle?!

Um, do you think I talk too much?!

Even though I do know the answer to that question quite well, I have asked it amidst many of my conversations. And the answer I had received, was always in the negative – until very recently that is!

I guess, my friend decided she had tolerated enough of my nonsense, and on this fine day told me – Ashwin, you talk way too much! And you never listen!

Um, here I was thinking I have a talking problem! Now I figure I have a listening problem too!

Now, to be honest, I do not think talking too much is much of a problem. It really is not. After all, talking burns a lot of energy and it helps me stay fit! Ah, here I am giving out fitness secrets – and that too for free! Um, I wonder if that was even a little bit convincing!

Anyhow, when I gave this entire thing a little thought, I figured that talking itself is not the problem. But talking without thinking – most certainly is! Do read on to find out what I mean.

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A friend, who was seeing this guy for some time now, had recently decided to get married to him. But soon after, she was having second thoughts about it. Since I also happened to know the guy fairly well, she thought it would be wise to discuss this with me. After a rather long conversation, I made good progress in making her realise that her decision to marry him, indeed, was the right thing for her to do.

Towards the fag end of our conversation, she said:

She: Thank you, Ashwin. Talking to you, really helped.

Me: Keep the thanks in your pockets! After all, I would any day go with the devil I know, than the devil I do not!

She: And how exactly is that supposed to make me feel better?!

Me: Oh crap!

PS: You guys must know that she did end up marrying the guy!

--

A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place. Amongst us, was this girl, who always seemed to have some weird question or the other in store for me. On this particular day, she wanted to know something about the t-shirt I was wearing.

She: Ashwin, are trying to impress girls by wearing this t-shirt, showing off your biceps?!

Me: Had I had cleavage, I would have shown it off by wearing a low neck t-shirt! But without it, I will have to do good with just this!

Surprised by the silence that followed, I glanced around the room and noticed that everyone looked dumbfounded. And everyone, including me, agreed that it was a disgusting thing for me to have said!

--

I was once out with a friend, and our conversation involved nonsense just like the other days. Somewhere along all this, we started talking about tattoos.

She: Ashwin, I want to get a tattoo.

Me: What are you going to get – a butterfly?

She: Ashwin!

Me: How about a flower?!

She: Just because I am a girl does not mean I should be getting a butterfly or a flower!

Me: Okay, then how about a dolphin?!

She: (More sternly, this time) Ashwin!

Me: Fine! How about you get a tattoo like Amitabh Bachchan in that movie that said – mera baap chor hein?!

Okay, I did get beaten up for this one!

--

There was this time I was pissed off with something and was swearing incessantly to vent out the frustration. A guy I had an acquaintance with, came by and told me this:

He: Ashwin, you are a gentleman. You should not be talking like this.

Me: You know what? I am an asshole, and when angry, I fart!

That guy did not talk to me much after that day!

--

There was this time when I was dropping a friend back to her place. She was riding pillion and perhaps, talking about all things girly. That perfectly explains why I was not paying any attention to what she was saying in the first place! Anyhow, in some time, she figured I was not listening to her.

She: Ashwin! Are you even listening to me?

Me: What were you saying?!

She: Thank goodness, we are not dating each other!

Me: Ah, never mind that! I do not date girls who are fatter than me, anyway!

Okay, that, by far, must be the stupidest thing I had ever said! I am lucky I was not murdered that day!

Breaking Habits

For a very long time now, like most people I know, I used to make resolutions – without fail, as another year went by and a new one dawned. It is totally another story altogether that I hardly adhered to any of them; but it still did not deter me from making more resolutions for the coming year. Um, now I wonder why somebody ought to wait for the start of a new year to change their behaviour. I suppose it has become some kind of a fad to do it that way, and now most of us do it because our peers are doing it. And why are our peers doing it? Well, because their peers are doing it! After all, that is the same reason why we take up drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, right?!

Um, I realise I am diverging from what the post was supposed to be about; so I will leave it at it. Now, coming back to my resolutions – as far as I can remember, all of them, always included stuff that I intended to stop. These were not necessarily bad stuff, as such; but just weird stuff – like incessantly swearing! It is funny, actually, how you go about doing a certain something in a particular way, and it somehow, subconsciously, gets etched permanently in you; and ends up becoming a trait that defines you – some of which, you may at one time, decide to change.

In the recent past, I have learnt that life offers you situations to get rid of certain habits; and these, often, have a much higher success rate than trying to lose them through resolutions. Here is an anecdote that I would like to share. I almost always am listening to music while I am riding the motorcycle, or driving the car. Of course, that is not a habit I was planning on stopping, and I also know that it is not weird! But what certainly is weird, is that every time the player blasted out Show Me How To Live by Audioslave, I used to shift a gear down, open the throttle, or step on the pedal; and quickly get the tachometer needle hovering around the engine redline! Normalcy would return, some five minutes later, on completion of the song!

Lately, I have taken up bicycling (a little more seriously) and I ride about 50 kilometres a day on my MTB, during the weekend. And as you might have guessed, I listen to music, even while biking. There was this one day, when I had ridden well over 50 kilometres and was headed back home. I had just about started ascending an upslope (that stretches a little less than a couple of kilometres) and the music player switched to Show Me How To Live!

Um, I did start pedalling quicker to get myself going a little faster, but I knew I did not have the energy left to sustain it for another five minutes! Besides, shifting a gear down, in this case, would only make it worse for me! So I got pedalling at a more comfortable pace – reluctantly, convincing myself that I did not necessarily have to be moving very fast, while listening to that song! Well, that was how I broke the habit of over-speeding while listening to Show Me How To Live!

Speaking of breaking habits, I am also reminded of another incident, which I guess, can be included in the same post. There was this group of friends, whom I used to visit quite frequently. On one such visit, while using their loo to take a leak, I noticed that the bathroom door did not close completely. A quick investigation later, I figured the door had warped, and hit against the frame, preventing it from being closed. Honestly, I was not very comfortable peeing with the door ajar. Moreover, I thought it would be rude if I peed with an open door, and so, brought it to their notice.

Oddly enough, they seemed to know all about it and told me it was okay to use the loo, without closing the door completely! Um, so that solved a problem. However, a little risk still remained that somebody might (accidentally, of course), walk in to the loo while I was using it. So, I quickly devised a plan and suggested that the person using the loo would have to sing a song, as long as they were in there! That was to be our sign, to let us know that the loo was occupied; and in the process, would avoid any potential embarrassing situations in future! Pretty creative, huh?!

Anyhow, so this is how it went. From then on, each time while using their loo, I would close the door as much as it would, and then sing until I finish my business! Everything worked perfectly fine; that is, until the last time I visited them. As I swung the door to close it behind me, I heard the quick latch on the door snap into its place on the frame. Even before turning around, I already knew that the door had completely closed.

Crap!

Perhaps, they had gotten it fixed. But why would they want to do it? Why now, after we had a protocol set up, and followed it so rigorously?! This was not right. There was no way I was going to pee with a closed door! But I did want to pee! Argh, it was quite a dilemma, I tell you!

Anyway, after a little thought, I walked back to the door, kept it ajar, got back, and started singing a song! Some habits, are not meant to be broken!

Here is wishing you guys a fabulous year ahead!

Take A Seat!

Flying in a low-cost airline does save you some money. But it also means you have to make a few compromises. Uh, how else would you expect the airline to be profitable?

The last time I was flying in one such airline, I noticed something peculiar. Actually, I noticed it while taking a leak, while flying in one such airline! Although I have never been inside one, I estimated that a coffin would have been a little roomier than the restroom in the aircraft! The water closet was at the farthest end, from the entrance, and the roof sloped down at the side. All this meant that I had to pee, taking a bow! Halfway through, I was wondering if it would have been easier if I had just sat down!

Speaking of which, I am reminded of something else. Now, if you know me well, you would know that there are a lot of things that can piss me off. One among them, is when people talk to me in a loo! Another is when I find a dirty urinal! Um, this is all you need to know for the moment, so I am stopping this list at it!

The other day when I entered this loo and walked towards the urinal, I was infuriated with what I saw. The guy who was there previously, probably did not notice the urinal at all, or grossly overestimated the size of his weenie! Still swearing at him and all the mess he had made, I walked over to the next urinal.

Just about then, a friend walked into the loo, and stepped up to the same urinal, I had just walked away from. He too was irritated, and stepped back. See, I am not the only one who gets pissed off seeing a dirty urinal! Anyhow, he felt it was a good idea sharing what he saw.

He: What the hell happened at that place?!

Me: Expletives! How difficult a task is it to actually pee into the urinal?! And somebody should tell them that if they cannot aim, they should just sit down on the crapper instead!

And then we laughed for about five minutes!

Okay, I rate this as the most pointless blog post written ever!

Chihuahua! Or is it her handbag?!

I suppose most of us would have amazing stories to tell, if we were asked to reveal the most memorable moments we have shared with each of our friends. (Um, now just in case you cannot recall any of them, then maybe it is time you start pondering about what exactly it is, that you are doing wrong!) The idea behind writing this post came about because somebody asked me as to who this person was, after having read a comment she had posted, to one of the nonsense that I had put up on Facebook. It was after explaining to them, I realised I could write a blog post.

If I can remember correctly, it has been about two odd years since I met her. At first, she seemed like a nice girl who bothered no one and spoke very little. At least I like to think of her that way, in order to make the transformation into what she has become now, a lot more dramatic! If you were to ask me about her now, well, I would say she is still nice, of course; but she beats the crap out of me and talks like a diarrhoea! (Of course, I am exaggerating it by a great deal!)

A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place, like we always used to, back then. A few of the guys were watching something on the television in the living room, while the rest of us were playing a game of carom in the adjacent room. I must have been too engrossed in the game, that I did not notice this girl arrive. By the time I could plan my escape strategy, it was too late! Um, and there is no point in trying to explain what took place that day, that put me in the corner of the room, with this girl sitting beside me.

If you are wondering why I was trying to run away from her – well, back in those days, I was having trouble understanding if she thought I was her pet Chihuahua, or her handbag! And if you were expecting a more detailed explanation of what that meant – hopes you have!

Anyhow, after the initial exhilaration of the chase and capture had died down, she needed to keep herself further entertained. She was least bit interested in the game of carom, and the television was in the other room. And for that reason, she turned to me. I do not remember what our conversation was about exactly, but I do remember getting repeatedly whacked! After a while of requesting her to stop, well, I thought I should be a little more assertive – if you can call it that!

Me: Stop hitting me, or you are going to get it!

She: What can you possibly do?

Well, it is totally another thing, that I could not have done anything to her, but then, I could not have told her that, could I?! Moreover, I could not just have sat there doing nothing, because then, I would have had a bun on my face! So, I just held her right hand to prevent her from hitting me.

I remember somebody having told me a theory about how most women were ambidextrous. I think I can vouch for that theory! The only thing that changed was – I was now getting whacked with her left hand!

Obviously, the only thing left to do, was to hold on to her left hand too!

Me: Ha! What are you going to do now?!

Looking back, I think, I have asked a lot many stupid questions – the answers to which, I did not necessarily need to hear! I doubt, if this question can ever be knocked off from its top position!

She: Bachao!

I think the word does not do justice to what she did, because she screamed it out at the top of her shrilled voice – and it lasted a good twenty long seconds! I am not too sure if it lasted twenty seconds, or if time actually slowed down then!

The guys playing carom stopped, and they were looking at us. The guys watching the television in the next room ran into our room, and they were looking at us. I am damn sure even the neighbours were out on the streets too, wondering what had just happened!

I do not think I have been more embarrassed in my entire life! And yeah, I am also prepared to react for a cardiac arrest, if I ever have one!

PS: You had asked me to write something brilliant about you, on your birthday, two years ago. I hope this counts!

Happy birthday, lady! Shine on!

Revenge of the morons!

I had met up with a couple of my wickedest friends, last Sunday. I do not recall how we ended up discussing this topic, but it suddenly occurred to them that they must do something about me blogging about them!

It is true that a majority of the posts I have written are about my friends. And one cannot blame me, for the fact that, most of these guys do things so stupid, that I have been having something or the other to write about for all these years! Anyway, the gripe these guys had was that I only write about instances where the joke was on them! Though it is not entirely true, they just believed it was so, and were hell bent on getting back!

After a little thought, they came up with an idea of creating a blog themselves, and posting instances when each one of them had shut me up!

How ingenious!

It took them only another twenty seconds to arrive at a name for the blog they would create – One Tube Light! Although I did not tell them this then, I thought the title was actually cool!

Anyhow, this post is about (the very few) instances where I have been shut up by these guys! Do note that there could be swearwords used in this post. So mom – you can skip this one!

--

This one time we guys were playing a game of Taboo. Now if you have never played it before - the objective of the game is for a guy to have his team-mates guess the word on his card, without using the word itself (duh!), or the five additional words listed on the card. And all of this is to be done in under sixty odd seconds.

It was my turn to pick the card and make these guys guess the word on it. I think the word to be guessed was anxious.

Me: Right now, I look…

And these were some of the responses I got!

Guy 1: Dumb?

Guy 2: Stupid?

Guy 3: Like a moron?

Guy 4: Like an asshole?!

Although there were more guesses, let me just stop with this! And you must know that these were guesses from my own team-mates!

--

The choice of my riding helmet has received a mixed reaction from my friends. While few of them liked it, few of them did not. Of all the conversations on it, this is the weirdest one I can remember. I just got on my bike, and put on my helmet.

Girl: Wow, your helmet looks awesome!

Me: Thank you!

Guy: That is because it covers most of his face!

--

This one day, I was riding to some place and I had a friend, riding pillion. One thing you must know is I complain about random things when I am riding, or driving – for the lack of doing anything better!

Anyhow, we came across a road hump so huge, that it could have easily qualified as a check-dam! It was a perfect object for me to complain about!

Me: Is this a dam, or a road hump?

He: It is a damn road hump!

He laughed all the way till the destination! And then, he laughed some more!

--

This happened a few weeks ago. Some of us had met up, and as usual – we ended up in a mindless argument over something stupid. I do not remember what the topic of discussion was, but after this guy finished reasoning why I should be doing something, and looked at me for approval, I just had to tell him this.

Me: Fuck you!

He did not seem like he was in a mood to give up, and pursued with his reasoning. One he had finished, I asked him this.

Me: Which part of the ‘fuck you’, did you not understand?!

He: The ‘fuck’ part! Do you mind explaining it for me?!

Me: Huh?!

--

PS: I had told these guys that I would register the name - 1tubelight, so that they would not be able to use it! The last time I checked, this page was still available, and I could have blocked it against my name. However, I chose not to do it because, One Tube Light, is probably the nicest title these wicked buggers could think of!

Son of a Murphy!

I suppose most of you guys have heard of Six Sigma. In simple terms – Six Sigma aims at improving the quality of output of a process, by first identifying the causes of defects, and then removing them, while minimizing the sources variability, by using certain statistical methods.

Crap! Who was that guy who told me it was simple?!

Anyhow, now that I am done explaining Six Sigma, I figure I should not have done it! Instead, what I should have explained is about the Normal Distribution Curve! Okay, just forget it! The point I am trying to make is this – regardless of how controlled your process is, there is always going to be some variation. It is just normal!

Similarly, regardless of how smart a person is, he is bound to do something silly once in a while! It too, is normal!

This post is about one smart guy, who had an off day! Well, I guess you can blame it on the laws of statistics!

Anyway, it was way past sundown when this guy decided to leave office and head home. As he had to pick up some stuff on his way back, he parked his bike by the side of the road. He got the stuff he needed and got back to his bike.

He hopped on the bike, and was about to insert the key into the keyhole, while it accidentally slipped out of his grip and fell down. Actually speaking, it did not fall down. I mean, it fell, but did not go all the way down! You usually expect something falling down to hit the ground, right?! In this case it did not!

Okay, so where did the key go then? It so happened that the key was stuck somewhere in the fairing! As any sensible person would do, this guy got off the bike and started looking for the key. Did I mention that it was quite a dark night? He tried looking for it in the fairing, but could see absolutely nothing! Poor guy has his eyesight fading!

If you remember, I also mentioned that this guy was smart! He realised that his cell-phone had a LED in it. While most phones do have the option of using the LED as a torch light, his phone, unfortunately, did not! But being the smart guy that he is, he very quickly solved this problem! The only way to have the LED glowing was to switch the phone to camera mode, and depress the camera button half way down, to activate the auto-focus – which would, in turn, get the flash light to stay on, until the camera button is depressed all the way down – which would click the picture!

Do you not wish that you were as smart as him?!

Now that he had some light, he started looking for the key again. To his bad luck, the handlebar was locked with the wheel turned left, further reducing the access to the location where the key was. And while trying to manoeuvre around in the limited space, he clicked quite a few (terribly out of focus) photographs of things inside the fairing! And each time a photograph was clicked, the LED switched off – which meant he had to again go through the delicate task of keeping the camera in auto focus mode!

With persistent grit and determination – he finally managed to spot the key within the fairing! The task of retrieving it though, still remained. The key was lodged towards the bottom of the fairing, and right above the oil cooler.

The funny thing about the oil cooler is – though it is called as an oil cooler, it is freaking hot! Just imagine his situation – he spotted the key, but could not get to it because it was on top of something so hot! By now, you should have figured that he is not among the ones who would give up!

He put on his riding gloves, and got back to the task again! While the gloves insulated his hand against the heat, it certainly reduced the flexibility to reach into the tight space. But being in no mood to quit, he stuck on with the job, until he got to the key – and then yanked it out!

Bravo!

Well, this entire exercise took him some fifteen odd minutes! It did not really matter, because he finally had what he wanted! Obviously feeling proud with himself, and with a big smile on his face he hopped on the bike.

As he was about the insert the key in the key hole – you guessed it – he dropped the key again! And yeah, back in the god-damned fairing!

It was worth all the while

I was speaking with this friend a few days back, and our conversation was filled with a lot of nonsense like it always does. But somehow through all our stupidity, we got talking about what we had achieved in the year that had gone by. And as I was listing down my accomplishments, she reminded me that I had also gotten her last year!

Yes, it is true I had gotten her, and she certainly is one amongst the most amazing people I know. I even told her that I rate her as my friend of the year! (Well, so you get an idea of the nonsense we talk about!)

Anyhow, after I got off the phone with her – for whatever reason, I kept thinking about having told her that I rate her as the friend of the year. Yeah, I figure it is rather stupid of me to have done that, but then, considering some of the things I think about, this is progress! To be really honest, I did not give it much, or any, thought while I said that to her. But I reckon, if at all anyone had to be in that place – it so had to be her. Okay, enough about her for this post.

Since I had nothing worthwhile to do that evening, I decided to look back down the years, and identify the one person from each year – who had the greatest influence on me, or the one who had been there for me while I most needed it, or the person, with whom I had the best time with, or all of them!

I must say that I had always thought I had a splendid memory! I suppose I was wrong, because it did take me a great deal of time to jot down names of individuals who made that list. But at the end of it, I did feel glad that I spent all that time making one.

Now, coming to the list, though a few names did repeat for more than a year, the list did have a considerable number of names that did not repeat. It definitely was pleasing to know that a few guys have stuck on for all these years. Moreover, I was a little balled over to figure that I had been influenced by so many different individuals. And it was while I sat there looking at this list it struck to me that I had absolutely no idea what some of the people whose names were on this list were up to these days!

Frankly, it made me sick to learn that I had completely lost track of people – who at one time meant so much to me! I tried to convince myself that it was alright that I did not know what the guys from my school days were up to, but I could not make up any reasons for having lost touch with people who were so dear just some four odd years ago. And if the past trend is anything to go by, I am certain that I would soon loose a lot more people who made it to this list, in just a few years time.

It is quite natural to make new friends as we move along, but do we necessarily have to discard the old relationships that have been so fruitful all the while? So, do all friendships have to have an expiry date? Does this mean that the friendship we shared was not real? Does this mean I used these people for my benefit, and discarded them when I had no use of them? Does this make me an overtly selfish person? Am I the only one like this, or does this happen with everyone?

Well, I do not think I want to know the answers to any of these. But I do know that for what it was worth – it was worth all the while!

Ups & Downs

I have this one friend, who has been learning to drive since eternity, but still has not gotten the hang of it! Now, it so happened that she got her driving licence the very next day, after me, and a couple of other guys had teased her about her driving skills. And she did not waste much time in letting me know about her achievement!

She: Yay! I got my licence!

Me: It is a miracle!

She: It is ironic how you were commenting on my driving skills! God exists! IN YOUR FACE! Ha!

Me: Yeah right! Like you were waiting for the licence to start driving! See, in your case – the licence to you, is like wings to an ostrich!

She: Expletives and threats!

--

Last weekend, a bunch of us guys, had to wait for eons, so that the girls who had come along with us could finish their shopping. Funny thing is, we were there to pick up a gift for one of the guys!

Anyhow, we guys left the mall and we stopped someplace before we got back home. Now, it is not really important to know about the exact details, but I earned myself a compliment because of my chivalrous behaviour!

She: Thank you!

Me: Keep it in your pocket!

She: I do not have a pocket!

Me: Maybe you should have picked up one, while you spent all that time shopping!

She: Stop acting like my mother-in-law!

Me: Huh?!

--

There is this girl, who, apparently, can not cook. Cook well, that is! And I say apparently, because I have not eaten anything she has cooked till date! My judgement is based purely on the feedback received from a few guys who have had the honour of eating what she had cooked!

Anyhow, she had made another of her specialities yesterday, and I, unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, missed it!

She: Yet again, you missed my world famous gajar halwa!

Me: Ah, there is god!

She: Expletives!

Beating around the bush

Someone recently pointed to me that I talk way too much, and so, I thought maybe it is time I do something about it. I guess, I for one, am a guy who just does not say what has to be said, in the simplest possible manner! (Um, the previous sentence, kind of, reiterates the point, right?)

One late evening, a few months ago, a couple of guys from work were involved in a motorbike accident. They had fallen off the bike, and from what the guy recalls – a truck ran over his thighs! The doctors who attended to him said that there was only muscle damage, and it was not a major concern. (Yeah, right! Let me run a truck over you and then hear you say that!) He was asked to stay overnight in the hospital and leave the next day. The other guy stayed with him too.

Anyway, a few of us visited them at the hospital next day, during our lunch break in office. For whatever reasons, these guys wanted to keep this accident as a secret and only a handful of us had the privilege of knowing about it. But somehow, the others had gotten to know all about it by the time we were back in office, and we were stormed at, and forced to give them a status update! (I wonder if these guys had ever heard about telephones!)

After listening to us, a few girls too wanted to go meet them at the hospital later in the evening. Now my friend, with whom I had visited these guys, thought this was a bad idea. Let me tell you why – though the guy’s legs had survived, unfortunately, his pair of jeans did not! And due to having kept this entire thing under wraps, no one had bothered to carry them a change of clothes! So basically, this guy was sitting there in his underwear!

Anyhow, here is the conversation between this guy and the girl.

Guy: No, they are fine at the moment. You could probably meet them tomorrow.

Girl: No, I want to meet them today.

Normally, I would have given details of the entire conversation, which in effect is the repetition of the above two lines, many times over! But since I am on the path of getting to the point quickly, I am going to pass this time!

Guy: No, we will take you there tomorrow.

So I thought I should pitch in, for this guy.

Me: Listen, his jeans are wrecked and he is sitting there in his underwear! Trust me – you do not want to see him in that!

Guy: Oh, thank you very much, Ashwin! I did not want to tell that to her directly!

Okay, so if you are wondering what was point of this story – well, it is just to prove that even when I do not beat around the bush and say only the things that matter – I still get flak!

The lion and his balls!

Now that I have gotten your attention, I must ask you to ignore the title of this post for the time being!

Riding around on a motorcycle in Bangalore can get quite irritating at times, even for a person who generally enjoys riding. Most of the roads are usually overcrowded and one wastes a lot of time waiting at almost every traffic signal. So the experience of getting to hear your engine roar and enjoying the wind blowing your hair is few and far between.

Anyway, when I am riding solo I am usually listening to my favourite music and it helps me ignore the crazy traffic, and more importantly - the many morons who cut me off. And of course, if there is someone riding the pillion with you – you could be kept entertained by having weird conversations with them. But on days when you can not listen to music or be entertained by your pillion rider – you have to keep yourself amused by observing the things around you. I for instance, read stuff on hoardings, or bumper stickers, watch clouds, and of late – try to read shop names written in Kannada!

Okay, so you think this is boring? Have a look at what I spotted.

And oh – you so have to get in front of this lion to see what you are missing!

Colour Me Pink!

Have I ever told you how much I love the colour pink? Well, I love it more than I love kids!

Um, now that does not come up as a very good illustration. See, when it comes to kids – I just cannot stand them! But with pink, I certainly do not have anything against it – at least not when it is being used by a girl!

Pink is a girly colour! (So is peach, and lavender! And oh, until very recently, I did not even know that peach and lavender were actually colours.)

Now if you happened to disagree with whatever I said, here is a quick test for you – imagine if the background of this page were to be pink – would you not have thought that I must be a girl?!

Okay, now that I shut you up – let me get back to where I was going! I guess all you guys would agree with me that most girls look good in pink! So the obvious logical thing for everyone to do is just let the girls have it. Alas, we do not live in a very logical world, do we? Now picture this – I once saw a guy wearing a pink Kurt Cobain t-shirt! Should Kurt Cobain be glad he shot himself or what?!

Anyhow, in the last year or so, I have been bumping into so many guys (as in literally – guys!) who used to wear pink (and peach, and lavender) that I just could not help but tell them how girly it was. Initially, this stuff was just restricted to the guys, but eventually I started pointing this to the girls too. Soon enough, I was making a comment anytime I saw pink, anywhere. And trust me – I was annoying everyone with it! I had no idea back then that I would get it back some day!

So, I had mentioned elsewhere that I had changed my job a few months ago. Now the friends from work had thrown one hell of a farewell party for me. Had I known what was in store in that party, I would have chosen not to have the farewell and would have stayed back in the old job itself!

These guys had decorated the entire place with, mostly pink balloons and pink ribbons! And then some of the extra ribbons were stuck on to my shirt! Oh, I certainly will not get into the details of everything that transpired that evening, but I should tell you this – at one stage through the party, I was standing there wearing a very pink t-shirt, covered with a lot bling and holding on to a bunch of flowers! I guess I looked like a piñata that so needed to be whacked into oblivion!

I also received a little basket filled with an assortment of many girly things that night! Here is a partial list of the contents I found in the basket:

1. two pink lollipops.
2. one pink candy that looked like a lipstick.
3. one pink bubble blower.
4. one ZooZoo key-ring. (This did not have any pink, but there is a story behind it!)
5. one pink whistle.
6. one key-ring which had a pink elephant, wearing a flowery dress and bow!

What can I say – if I were a girl, I would have been the happiest girl in the whole wide world!

And yeah, one last thing – on their way out, they stuck some pink balloons on my bike!

I do not think I can have an evening as pink as that ever again! Anyway, at the end of it, I did promise the girls that I would not comment on any of the pink they wear from that day forward! And I must say – I have been fairly successful with my word!

PS: A friend had asked me to blog about this a while ago, but I never got around doing it. This post happened today because I spotted the pink elephant key-ring lying on my table!

Thank you guys, for that memorable evening!

I am getting married!

For all you morons who are getting ideas – you are going to be very disappointed!

I guess most of us know that when a girl meets another of her girl friends after an amazingly long time, the third person (unlucky enough) to be with them kind of gets redundant - and more so if you are a guy!

And that is exactly what happened with me this one day. A bunch of us had gone to visit a friend at her place. After a while, most of the guys left because something came up, and it so happened that I was stuck between these two girls. As expected, they started catching up on all the things they had missed, and it was almost like I was watching a Hindi show on the television!

At first, it was kind of interesting listening to them, but soon enough I got bored of it! I looked around her place to find something that could keep me occupied. Well, I spent some time looking for patterns on the wall painting, then for patterns in the floor and eventually I kept myself entertained by trying to focus on amoebas in my eye!

I do not really know how much time had passed before they realised I too was sitting amongst them. I think they figured by the very blank look on my face that I had no clue as to what was happening in that room! So, one of the girls got me to speed by saying:

Girl 1: She is getting married!

Me: Wow, Congratulations!

Girl 2: Thanks!

Anyway, the conversation continued and I was a little more active this time around - though I still kept wandering out of it every now and then, as I was so intrigued with these amoebas in my eye!

Anyhow, it was time to leave and I had to drop this soon to be married girl back to her place. Here is a part of the conversation that we had while getting back home:

Me: So, you are getting married, huh?

She: Yeah.

Me: How soon are you getting married?

She: It is not decided yet.

Me: Okay, so what is this guy doing?

She: Oh, the guy is not decided yet either!

Me: Huh?! You say you are getting married and you do not know when, or to whom!

She: It is like that at the moment!

Me: You know, most people who are getting married do know this part of the information!

She: Yeah, but it is just a plan as of now!

Me: Oh, in that case – I am getting married too!

Medley

I initially started off this post with an intention of writing about some seriously crappy intellectual stuff, but then I just could not get the thoughts from that brain-dead head of mine, into words! (God bless me for that!) Now that I have lost the topic, I guess I should do the next best thing – list down little stupid things that have happened eons ago!

Scene I

The guy, (I’ll just call him D) who used to teach me to play the guitar, has got one amazing place! It is more like a clubhouse, than a place – always bubbling with activity, and housing like a million people! I guess at times, D himself would not know as to who is in his house! Occasionally however, you do find it in peace too!

On one such quiet day when I went to class, a guy - whom I did not recognise, opened the door for me and I went upstairs to the room where we usually practise. There were three other guys, apart from D, in that room. D was kind of surprised that I managed to get in there and asked:

D: Hey! Who opened the door for you?!

(See, I told you he does not know who is in his house!)

Me: There was a guy downstairs.

D: Did he have short hair?

Me: Uh, I do not really know, but he had a goatee!

The moment I said that, everyone dropped their guitars and stared at me like I said something stupid!

It was then I realised that everyone in that room, me included, had a goatee!

Indeed, it was very stupid!

Scene II

We guys had been to Delhi in November last year, and we found that most auto-rickshaw guys demanded more cash, and refused to travel for the metered fare. Obviously irritated with this fact, I asked one of the guys:

(Excuse my Hindi, please!)

Me: Aap yeh meter show ke liye laga raka hai kya? Meter pe kyu nahi chalata hai?

He: Doctor ne mana kiya hai!

I had to shut up, thanks to my friends, who were laughing at me like totally drunk nincompoops, who have been inhaling nitrous oxide all their lives!

Scene III

This one day, I got back home from office and there was a power cut. I was home alone, and had absolutely nothing useful that I could do. So I took my dogs, Dog and Phoebie to the terrace and I played with them, till they were too bored to continue playing with me! (In case you do not know yet, I have named my dog as Dog!)

So I came back downstairs and opened up a bottle of Sprite. It then occurred to me that I could kill some time by giving generous amounts of Sprite to my dogs, and then watch them burp! Ha, am I good or what?! Phoebie, unfortunately, did not seem to want any of it, so Dog got to have her share too!

You know, I waited by Dog for so long to watch him burp. In fact, I sat by him, even after the power came back! He was just staring back at me, probably wondering if I needed some help or something! I got up only after my mum came home and chased me out from Dog’s place!

Damn! What a waste of time!

Finally – the F word!

Warning: There is a dirty word used in this post!

Although I swear so much while talking, I have managed not to use a single swearword in my blog! Well, to be honest, it is just that I have been using milder forms of the curses in most cases, as the word in itself was not very critical to the topic. However, today is another day!

I am sure nearly all of us do use a few words, unnecessarily, in our everyday speech. Though most conversations could seamlessly flow without the use of any of these words, I feel that they just add a little bit of character, or flavour – if you can call it that!

Here are a few examples:

Who do you think you are – Neil freaking Armstrong?!

or

Oh yeah, I forgot you are freaking Albert Einstein!

See, you get the gist, right? It is just colloquial.

Now enough with the education, and let me come to the point. Though each one of us are assigned our work-stations at office and are expected to use only that machine, there are times when some of us need to switch, or use more than one machine. On one such day, I had let a friend use my computer to finish his work.

After a while, I figured I should remind him of my magnanimous gesture – and get something from him as compensation! While he failed to realise my sacrifice, I decided to show him who was the boss around there!

Me: Get off my computer, dude!

He: I do not see your name written here, mister!

Me: Oh really?! Are you fucking Ashwin Wilson?!

Okay, I figured out instantly that I was not going to like the answer to the question that I had just asked! And I guess he could not have done any better to shut me up!

He: No, but I would love to!!

Tea

You know what? I hate tea so much – that I could actually puke just by smelling it! I am dead serious here. I detest sitting in the office pantry, because it smells like tea! (Okay, they play like really crappy music too, but the smell still wins out – hands down!) I sometimes wonder how people can actually drink so much tea. And here is another thought – I wonder why people consider honey as sweet. Honey, is anything but sweet! It is disgusting! And yeah, I could never call my girlfriend as honey! Unless, I find her disgusting that is! Okay, let me stop wandering and get back to tea.

Now, irrespective of the fact that I hate tea so much, I still do drink a cup of it every morning! Um, provided I am at home that is. Well, that is because I think only my mum is capable of making tea that would not want me to throw up when I drink it! No offence meant here to anyone, or their mothers! It is just me! It really is! (It always is!)

Anyhow, there are these few (very, very few!) days when I do not like the tea my mum has made. On one such morning, I so had to let her know about it.

Me: Ma!

Mum: Yeah?

Me: What is wrong with this tea?

Mum: What is wrong with it?

Me: It tastes like I am chewing on tea leaves!

Mum: It is tea! What do you suppose it should taste like?!

Me: Argh!

Well people, I really do not know how to explain this. Never mind! I need some sleep! Good night!

Misinterpretations

Is it not funny, how a few words could be misinterpreted and cause a lot of embarrassment?

There are these days when we guys talk about absolute trivial crap, just for the heck of it. On one such day, a friend and I were having such a conversation.

He: Your shirt is not pressed properly.

Me: Yeah dude, but who cares?

He: Maybe you should give it to your babe. And then she would press it for you!

Me: Yeah right! She has her ways to get things done; so she would probably give them to you – and then she would get them pressed by you!

Another friend came by, just as I was saying that crap. Unfortunately for me, he had no idea we were talking about pressing shirts! His jaws just dropped and he looked at me in immense astonishment!

He: Ashwin, how disgusting!

Right Behind You!

I was reading some stuff a little earlier which, kind of, reminded me about my college days. We had this lecturer guy, who taught us some stuff. No wait – he actually did not teach us any stuff! Bugger! (Let me call him as Bugger in this post, just to protect his identity!) He always used to come late to class, make us debate on things that were not a part of our syllabus, and leave the class even before it was time to leave! But you know what? All of us loved him for that!

Anyway, this one day I was headed to class with a friend, and we were running a little late. We got to the elevator, and as usual, there were quite a few people waiting for it. And here is the conversation that followed between us.

Me: Oh crap, we are late!

He: Yeah, we are.

Me: Who is supposed to be taking class for us now?

He: Bugger.

Me: Oh crap! It is going to be horrible!

We somehow managed to get into the elevator when it arrived – although there were far more people ahead of us, than the elevator would hold! (Indian instincts, you see!) Few others got in, and we got going.

Me: Hey, how about we push this carpet into the door, so that the door does not close?!

At this stage, my friend suddenly stopped responding to me, and started acting a little funny!

He: Shh!

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?

He did not answer anything, but instead, it looked like he was trying very hard to step on my feet! On asking him again, he wanted to get away from me! Also, he was moving around his eyes too! All in all, it looked like he was in the middle of a Bharatanatyam step! I have no idea what happened to him all of a sudden. I mean – even I was breathing the same air, you know!

Anyhow, we got to the floor we had to get off, and so stepped out of the elevator.

Me: I bet you a hundred bucks – Bugger would still not have come to class!

He: Yeah you are right – he is not in class!

Me: And how are you so sure?!

He: He took the lift along with us, and now – he is right behind you!

Shut-Up!

A lot of people ask me to ‘shut-up’ these days. A majority of these are guys whom I have known for quite sometime, but lately, this syndrome has caught up even to people who have just about gotten to know me!

This one day, I was having a conversation with this girl, whom I had just gotten to know. After a bit of technical blah, our discussion switched over to something more, uh, discussion-worthy! Anyway, here is the part of the conversation, which matters.

She: You don’t talk much, huh?

Me: (Is she serious?!) Ah, at times I do. But you know, a lot of people ask me to shut-up, so I am trying to keep it a bit down!

She: Oh? I would never ask you to shut-up!

Me: Thanks! Let’s see!

Anyway, we were discussing about sports and stuff like it for a couple of minutes, and then, it came to this.

She: Let me guess, you play basketball.

Me: I used to; I don’t play any more though.

She: I used to play too, I love that sport!

Me: Oh, cool!

She: You said it.

Me: Yeah, but of course, there are a few irritating things about playing basketball.

She: Like?

Me: Just imagine, while you are playing - you are sweating like a race-horse, and you are rubbing against other sweaty guys who are falling all over you fighting for the ball. And then, not only are you covered in your own sweat, but the entire opponent team’s sweat too! Now, how gross is that?!

She: Ashwin, please - SHUT-UP!

See?!

You Can’t See Me!

Say you are walking and you are accompanying a bunch of other guys. You happen to see a friend coming in the other direction, but your friend can not see you!

Say you are walking alone, and you see your friend coming in the other direction – this time, alone. Now your friend can see you!

Say you are walking alone, and you see your friend coming in the other direction – this time around, with a bunch of their friends. Your friend can not see you again!

Say you are walking with a bunch of guys who are also friends with this friend, you see coming in the other direction. Your friend can not see you again! They see the guys ahead of you, and behind you – but not you!

Ah, funny world!

I was wondering what the crap was all this about, and I think I have finally found the answer! My friend is playing this game called You Can’t See Me! The rules are simple – you just choose not to recognise your friend, except when you meet them alone!

And you know what? Although I have started late, I think I am getting really good at playing this game, and it looks like I am winning! And my prize is a lost friend!

I read somewhere that it is sometimes important to loose friends to realise how important they really are. Let me go mourn my loss!

Crap! I should stop reading philosophy!