Reminiscence

For the past few months, I have been obsessed with cycling. Barring, perhaps, a couple of times this year, I must have spent the reminder of the weekends cycling. I had opted out of many plans, only because it did not involve any cycling! Um, thinking about it, it was rather stupid of me to ask my friend if there was a decent trail for me to ride my bike nearby his wedding reception hall!

Anyway, yesterday, after quite a while, I caught up with the rest of the gang (who do not cycle that is) for lunch. A couple of chaotic hours and a lot more annoyed looks from the other guests at the restaurant later, we were done with lunch. None of us had anything specific to do post lunch, so we got out of the restaurant and started yakking. Since we were at a mall, the girls decided to go shopping; and us guys, well, we had to wait for the girls!

We all knew the girls would not be back for quite some time, so we decided to go bowling. After finding our way to the place (which was an adventure in itself), we figured it was closed. Technically speaking, it was not even open! Disappointed, we headed to the food court to get something to drink.

As we got to the food court, before we could place our orders, oddly enough, all we guys headed to the loo – one after another! Stranger thing was that, there was no one else in the loo except for us!

Now, I do not really know why, but as we went about doing our business, I was reminded of my college days! Even though I never kept any track of it, I suppose, back then, peeing together was almost an everyday affair! And this – was just like it! Um, except that the loo in the mall was inestimably cleaner! And that, I figured, was what made this seem so weird. I doubt if there is a single urinal in any college, without some graffiti scribbled across its walls! And that is exactly what we were missing here! Ah, the little things we take for granted! If there ever was something like a memorable pee – that was it!

In the process, I could recall the funniest graffiti I have ever read on a urinal wall. Of course, I read it in the college loo. It would be outright wrong on my part, if I did not share it with you guys! Here goes:

If your pee is clear, you are doing all right.

If your pee is a little yellow, you should drink more water.

If your pee if dark yellow, you probably have jaundice.

If your pee is red, you are in the wrong loo!

I am sure the dude could win a Nobel Prize – for literature! 

How to make an American!

There are a few things that you remember, irrespective of how long it has been since it actually happened. This post is about one such thing.

Back when I was still studying, there was this girl in class. Her dad was a Bengali, and her mum was a Kannadiga. Thinking about it, I cannot recall how we got to know that information, or how it mattered to any one of us anyway! But in any case, that information led to one hell of a laugh back then, and of course, this post too!

Coming back to this girl – well, she spoke in an accent that would probably give a complex to an American himself! You get the gist, right?

One day in class, she happened to ask me something, and I think her fake accent, kind of, irritated my friend sitting beside me more than it did usually. As I turned to look forward he told me this:

He: I did not know that when you cross a Bengali with a Kannadiga, you end up having an American!

Right Behind You!

I was reading some stuff a little earlier which, kind of, reminded me about my college days. We had this lecturer guy, who taught us some stuff. No wait – he actually did not teach us any stuff! Bugger! (Let me call him as Bugger in this post, just to protect his identity!) He always used to come late to class, make us debate on things that were not a part of our syllabus, and leave the class even before it was time to leave! But you know what? All of us loved him for that!

Anyway, this one day I was headed to class with a friend, and we were running a little late. We got to the elevator, and as usual, there were quite a few people waiting for it. And here is the conversation that followed between us.

Me: Oh crap, we are late!

He: Yeah, we are.

Me: Who is supposed to be taking class for us now?

He: Bugger.

Me: Oh crap! It is going to be horrible!

We somehow managed to get into the elevator when it arrived – although there were far more people ahead of us, than the elevator would hold! (Indian instincts, you see!) Few others got in, and we got going.

Me: Hey, how about we push this carpet into the door, so that the door does not close?!

At this stage, my friend suddenly stopped responding to me, and started acting a little funny!

He: Shh!

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?

He did not answer anything, but instead, it looked like he was trying very hard to step on my feet! On asking him again, he wanted to get away from me! Also, he was moving around his eyes too! All in all, it looked like he was in the middle of a Bharatanatyam step! I have no idea what happened to him all of a sudden. I mean – even I was breathing the same air, you know!

Anyhow, we got to the floor we had to get off, and so stepped out of the elevator.

Me: I bet you a hundred bucks – Bugger would still not have come to class!

He: Yeah you are right – he is not in class!

Me: And how are you so sure?!

He: He took the lift along with us, and now – he is right behind you!

Viva!

The one thing I hated most about lab tests is the viva at the end of it! I had realized the importance of answering correctly to a few random (and dumb) questions very early during my college days. It could either make you, or break you! It didn’t really matter much if you had done your practical test well; you’d still be rated as a ‘moron’ and ‘awarded’ low scores if you screwed up in your viva!

I wasn’t really bad at my subjects, but these guys who come for viva, always had made me feel so! They would always ask questions, to which there never really was any ‘right answer’! And just in case, if you ended up with a right answer, you’d be flooded with more questions, which would require you do complete a doctorate, before you could answer it! So I figured out that there wasn’t any use of studying for a viva, ‘cause you’d be screwed in any case!

My most memorable viva ever was for the CAD lab. Now CAD here didn’t mean that we used any CAD software to model a component, but instead we used that pain-in-the-rear ‘C’ program! (I guess I should mention here that wasn’t really good at ‘C’ programming!) And to add to my woes, we also had to write programs to solve mathematical equations! (I was bad at ‘C’ programming, but when it came to math, I sucked!) However, looking at the bright side, this was one lab where in I would not be penalized in spite of me doing the practical well, ‘cause there was no way in hell, that I could do it!

So here I was, staring at my question paper, pretending to understand what was asked of me to do! I had always learnt the art of ‘mugging-up’ and ‘puking’ the answers back on the paper quite well! The only problem here was that I had to understand the question first! With a little help from the guy next to me, I could just about get started! And then it was time for the viva!

I had overheard the questions that were thrown at the guy before me, and instantly figured out that it would be a day that I would remember for a long, long time! I guess he was the devil himself who’d come for the viva! I was pretty clear that there weren’t any questions on the subject that I could answer to, so decided to act a little ‘polite’ and ‘respectful’, so that he’d give me a few extra marks!

And then, my name’s called! This is it, my best (rather, worst!) viva ever! I stood by the door of his cabin, and very politely (and faking it, of course!) asked

“May I come in, sir?”

He looked up to me, rather surprised, and in a soft tone said

“Come in and take a seat”

Wow! He wasn’t shouting! So in I go, pull up a chair, thinking to myself that I’ve managed to calm the devil enough for now! As I sat down, I said

“Thank you, sir”

If I had any idea about the questions he had in store for me, I would never have told him that! He asked me to for my question paper, read it. The following describes our conversation.
Devil: What are you asked to find out?

I: To solve the given equation, sir.

Devil: Is that what you are asked to do?

I: (Confused) Ah, I suppose so, sir.

Devil: (Throwing the question paper at me) Is that what is asked for in this?

I: (Pick up the paper and read the question) Ah, to find out the roots of the given equation by using Simpson’s 1/3rd rule, sir.

Devil: So, what is the difference between solving the equation and find the roots?

I: (Pretending like thinking) Ah, I don’t know, sir.

Devil: Okay, why is Simpson’s 3/8th rule better than Simpson’s 1/3rd rule?

I: Ah, I don’t know, sir.

Devil: Why is Newton Ralphson’s method better than Simpson’s 3/8th rule?

I: Ah, I don’t know, sir.

Devil: What were you doing yesterday, playing cricket?

I: (I was like “what kind of a question is that?”) No, sir.

Devil: What is the maximum number of sides you can give to a polygon in AutoCAD?

I: (Thinking, “who cares?”) Ah, I don’t know, sir.

Devil: What is the limiting size of the matrix for a rectangular array in AutoCAD?

I: (Thinking “I’m so screwed”) Ah, I don’t know, sir.

At this point I decided that it wasn’t worth an effort to understand the questions! And my only answer to all the balance questions was “I don’t know, sir”! I finally decided to end this crap for good. And I did it by not answering, to what would be my final question!

Looking at my silence, he finally said “Let me guess, I don’t know?” with a sarcastic smile!

I just nodded my head in agreement. (With a sigh of relief, knowing it was all over!)

He then screamed “GET OUT!”

I just grabbed my paper from the desk and walked out, thinking to myself “this would not have been very different, even if I had actually studied for the viva”!