First Impression!

Most guys who know me have varied opinion about how much I talk. That is primarily because I talk a lot with a few people, and lesser with others. But in any case, I think each one would agree that I am perfectly capable of jabbering about absolute crap! Now, I need to analyse if it is as much as a good thing, or not.

This post should be taken as a lesson in what you should not be doing, while conversing with someone, especially while it is for the first time - and more so, if that someone happens to be a girl.

One fine morning, I was walking along with this girl, whom I have an acquaintance with. Till date, the talks we have had have been quite trivial. This morning, however, it was a little different.

She: Where are you from?

Me: Mangalore.

She: Oh?

Me: Do you know where it is?

She: Yeah, it is in the coast, right?

Me: Yeah, it is.

She: Yeah.

Me: Where are you from?

She: Jabalpur.

Me: Oh?

She: Have you heard of it before?

Me: Oh yes, I have. I had this one friend from Bihar – he had this habit of abusing people with funny sounding places, like Abey Bhatinda, or Abey Gibraltar, or Abey Jabalpur!

Silence!

Me: Oops! I am sorry!

Tempered!

A few weeks ago, I had to attend this conference thingy that was happening at a place just off Airport Road. I also had to pick up a colleague from near office, and we were to go together to that place.

As planned, I picked him up on time and we started off. This place we were headed to was about twenty-six kilometres from office. And I reached that place in less than twenty minutes, in spite of the morning traffic and brief stops at multiple traffic signals! So you can do the math yourself!

Anyway, once we got off, I noticed that this guy had his hair swept back like he had been just jettisoned off an airplane or something! I was kind of curious, and so I asked him about it.

Me: Dude, what's with the hair style?

I still can not figure out as to what was so offensive in that question, but he got totally infuriated with me and yelled back: Ashwin, you don’t open your mouth!

Gee, so much for my concern!

Of late, I have been riding like an absolute maniac. I ride somewhat like these pizza-delivery guys – I get from anyplace to anywhere in under half an hour! I realise I have to do something about it. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Unplanned Trip To Nowhere

Last weekend was a lot of fun. We had planned to celebrate a friend’s birthday, and that was to be immediately followed up with a bachelor party!

Birthday celebration was accomplished by having an amazing dinner. As usual we guys sang ‘Happy Birthday’ in the most awful way possible, and we did not let this guy cut his cake until we finished the song - which of course, was lengthened to unbelievable proportions! Somehow, we forgot the birthday speech thing!

Anyhow, next up was the bachelor party – which meant a night out in the birthday boy’s place. Imagine twelve guys in one room. And now imagine ten of them really drunk! The poor groom-to-be was ragged even before the alcohol had kicked in! And that is about all I am allowed to write here about what happened to him! These guys drank from about 11:00 in the night till about 3:00 in the morning. And it was then a few of them started crashing.

Including me, there were five of us who were not willing to hit the sack. And so, we decided to go for a drive! We thought we would go for a couple of hours before we got back, but the host was kind enough to let us know that he would lock the door once we leave, and not open it until about 10:00 in the morning! So for revenge, we stole the remainder of his birthday cake on our way out!

Now, we first decided to drive to the airport, but then decided to drive towards Kolar and halt at a ‘Coffee Day’, which was supposed to be some thirty kilometres outside the city! (Frankly, I don’t understand why the choices are always airport or Coffee Day’!) Anyway, we started off on our journey! I was the obvious choice for taking the driver’s seat, for the fact that I was the only one who was not drunk. (I am sure each one in the car would have claimed that he was not drunk!) The early morning drive was simply superb! All guys were singing songs on top of their voices and added to this, was the music being played in almost full volume!

Well, we did thirty kilometres, but there was still no trace of ‘Coffee Day’. We collectively agreed that it could be a little ahead, and continued driving. We briefly stopped for a pee-break, and then we gorged on the stolen birthday cake! Also, we screamed and jumped up and down, while throwing our arms up, like little excited kids (actually, more like twisted lunatics), as each vehicle drove by us! And for some strange reason, all of us seemed pretty amused at the cloud formation in the morning sky! Soon, we were back on the road.

However, we stopped again just a few kilometres ahead to take a few pictures of, believe it or not, the clouds once again! And we guys noticed that there was a hill not too far off from where we had parked. I don’t know who suggested that we climb that hill, but the moment it was said, three guys were already on their way! I thought I did not want to be a part of that stupidity, so I stayed back with the remaining guy. We soon realised that these guys would not be returning anytime soon, and so we decided to join them!

Next minute, we were walking across someone’s field and headed to the hills. It was quite a walk to reach the base of the hill itself. It was definitely much farther away from the road than it initially seemed. It must have been just under a kilometre, just to reach the base! We posed for some photographs with a few bulls that we met on the way! Hell, we even posed for snaps in the graveyard we came across! In fact, we were standing on somebody’s tomb, and asking for directions – of course, from the guys who had started off before us, and not from the owner of the grave!

A few minutes, and a few cuts and bruises later, we finally caught up with the rest of the gang. And we got back on our expedition! We did not know where we were going; we just went on till we could go no more! The view from the top was truly amazing. I had never done anything this stupid, rather this cool, before - and I totally loved it! It was definitely better than it would have been, if we were drinking coffee in ‘Coffee Day’.

We just sat there discussing random, weird things like – ah, never mind! I wish we had carried paint with us, so that we could have left a little message to anyone who would visit that place later! Something like, ‘ASHWIN WAS HERE’! Okay, let me not be selfish, it could have been ‘WE WERE HERE’! But see, it does not sound as cool! We had to literally abuse ourselves to get off the hill. Two guys even posed with a chameleon they met on their way down!

After a while, we were back in the car. And oh, here is one other thing we did before resuming our drive. We actually lied down, in the middle of the road and got ourselves photographed! To make it more fun, we waited for the vehicles to approach us before doing this! Now that; was cool! Finally, a farmer dude chased us off! (Funny thing is, you can not see the vehicles approaching in the photograph!)

And no, we did not head back - we still had to find this ‘Coffee Day’! We drove ahead for some more time. When we still did not find it, we convinced ourselves that they have closed down the place due to the road widening work that was happening. And so, it was time to head back home. On the way back, we realised that we had overshot the ‘Coffee Day’ by some fifteen kilometres!

We had quite a story to tell to the guys when we got back. Oh I am sure all those guys were very envious of us! Come to think about it, each of us hikers had more fun than the birthday guy, and the groom-to-be, combined! And oh, did I mention we actually drove the groom-to-be’s car, and we made a total mess of it?!

Thank you guys, for the amazing time!

PS: I am so hooked on to this cloud watching thing though. I spent quite some time yesterday sitting on my terrace and watching the clouds move by! And hell, I was even looking at it while I went for a little ride in the evening!

Caution: Wide Load!

I had written this stuff about three months ago, but then had somehow decided against posting it. So why am I posting it now, you ask? Ah, I don’t know – maybe I am just pushing my luck with that Murphy dude! In any case, it kind of reiterates whatever I wanted to convey in my previous post. Anyway, here it goes.

At times, I think before I say something. But at most times, I just say whatever comes into my mind without any thinking whatsoever! Oh, you have no idea the amount of trouble that this has landed me into, but I still do not seem to have learnt anything from it. I recently read that ‘A closed mouth gathers no foot’! Maybe I should practise that, at least from now on.

I was walking through this aisle, which is just wide enough for one person to walk across, comfortably. When someone else comes in from the other side, both would have to turn to their sides, to walk across without bumping into each other. Okay, I think it would have been easier if I had just mentioned that the aisle is about three feet wide! Anyway, as you approach the exit, there is a little more space available, and thus, you do not have to turn to make space for someone to walk across. (I think I am sounding like a Hindi movie!)

So, as I was saying, I was walking through the aisle and was heading towards the exit. I was about eight feet from the exit, when this girl entered from the other side. Looking at me, she just waited there, for me to pass by. It was certainly a very polite thing to do, and I should have simply thanked her for it. But of course, considering the moron that I am, I would not have been writing this if I had just thanked her, now would I?!

Okay, now coming to the girl, she is by no means fat. Maybe a little plump, but not fat. And with me, I consider anyone who is slightly a level above anorexic, as fat! (That is just a joke! And why am I writing this here?!) Anyway, as I passed by her, I just said:

“Hey, I don’t think that I am so wide, that the two of us can not pass by at the same time!”

She just smiled back, and I got out. It was then I realised what I just did! Crap! I had affirmed to her that I was not wide! So it was all left for her interpretation! I thought may be I should run back inside and apologise. But then I was wondering if it would make it more embarrassing. (Looking at the brighter side, this is progress. It usually takes me days to figure that I have screwed up!)

Anyway, she (quite obviously!) did not speak to me for a few of days after that, but now things have changed. We only exchange smiles, and I make sure that I keep my mouth tightly shut!

PS: If you ever read this, I want you to know that I am extremely sorry about that day! And I am even sorrier for calling you plump!

More PS: Something tells me that we would probably stop smiling at each other too, if she ever reads this!

Momentary Lapse of Reason

This little incident occurred a long time ago – say about six or so years ago. (Strangely, I can remember stuff that took place ages ago, but I can not remember things that passed by in the previous hour!) Anyway, I can not seem to recall what the mess was about, but I ended up giving a piece of my mind to this girl. (Actually, I do, but I’d rather not talk about it!)

Unfortunately, circumstances demanded that we meet up again on the next day. The guys there had enough sense not to bring up this topic – all except one, that is.

A friend of her, who had absolutely nothing to do with the mess, probably thought she could be a hero, decided to confront me; and in front of everybody. (Damn, there as many commas in that sentence as there are words!)

She: Ashwin, I know it is none of my business, but I think you need to apologise to Rachael.

I could have ignored her, or just nodded my head in acceptance, and thinking about it now, probably even showed her the finger! I could - it may have been politer than what I did.

Me: Yeah, you’re right – it’s none of your business!

I have never seen her shut-up, for a longer duration.

My biggest weakness, I think, is the inability to keep my trap shut when I ought to. And obviously, my verbal diarrhoea brings along many incentives along with it.

Of course, I have messed up - again!

PS: I have never known any girl named Rachael, so get the point!