Chihuahua! Or is it her handbag?!

I suppose most of us would have amazing stories to tell, if we were asked to reveal the most memorable moments we have shared with each of our friends. (Um, now just in case you cannot recall any of them, then maybe it is time you start pondering about what exactly it is, that you are doing wrong!) The idea behind writing this post came about because somebody asked me as to who this person was, after having read a comment she had posted, to one of the nonsense that I had put up on Facebook. It was after explaining to them, I realised I could write a blog post.

If I can remember correctly, it has been about two odd years since I met her. At first, she seemed like a nice girl who bothered no one and spoke very little. At least I like to think of her that way, in order to make the transformation into what she has become now, a lot more dramatic! If you were to ask me about her now, well, I would say she is still nice, of course; but she beats the crap out of me and talks like a diarrhoea! (Of course, I am exaggerating it by a great deal!)

A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place, like we always used to, back then. A few of the guys were watching something on the television in the living room, while the rest of us were playing a game of carom in the adjacent room. I must have been too engrossed in the game, that I did not notice this girl arrive. By the time I could plan my escape strategy, it was too late! Um, and there is no point in trying to explain what took place that day, that put me in the corner of the room, with this girl sitting beside me.

If you are wondering why I was trying to run away from her – well, back in those days, I was having trouble understanding if she thought I was her pet Chihuahua, or her handbag! And if you were expecting a more detailed explanation of what that meant – hopes you have!

Anyhow, after the initial exhilaration of the chase and capture had died down, she needed to keep herself further entertained. She was least bit interested in the game of carom, and the television was in the other room. And for that reason, she turned to me. I do not remember what our conversation was about exactly, but I do remember getting repeatedly whacked! After a while of requesting her to stop, well, I thought I should be a little more assertive – if you can call it that!

Me: Stop hitting me, or you are going to get it!

She: What can you possibly do?

Well, it is totally another thing, that I could not have done anything to her, but then, I could not have told her that, could I?! Moreover, I could not just have sat there doing nothing, because then, I would have had a bun on my face! So, I just held her right hand to prevent her from hitting me.

I remember somebody having told me a theory about how most women were ambidextrous. I think I can vouch for that theory! The only thing that changed was – I was now getting whacked with her left hand!

Obviously, the only thing left to do, was to hold on to her left hand too!

Me: Ha! What are you going to do now?!

Looking back, I think, I have asked a lot many stupid questions – the answers to which, I did not necessarily need to hear! I doubt, if this question can ever be knocked off from its top position!

She: Bachao!

I think the word does not do justice to what she did, because she screamed it out at the top of her shrilled voice – and it lasted a good twenty long seconds! I am not too sure if it lasted twenty seconds, or if time actually slowed down then!

The guys playing carom stopped, and they were looking at us. The guys watching the television in the next room ran into our room, and they were looking at us. I am damn sure even the neighbours were out on the streets too, wondering what had just happened!

I do not think I have been more embarrassed in my entire life! And yeah, I am also prepared to react for a cardiac arrest, if I ever have one!

PS: You had asked me to write something brilliant about you, on your birthday, two years ago. I hope this counts!

Happy birthday, lady! Shine on!

Breach

Funny thing about gravity is – its persistence to get back what gets taken away from it. The sheer abundance of it, and the subtle way in which it works – makes us, kind of, oblivious to its existence. When you think about it, it is not all that difficult to work against gravity – each time you pick an object up, you are going against the force of gravity. But of course, gravity does eventually get it back, because that is what it does. Neither does it ask you to acknowledge its existence, nor does it question you when you work against it. Gravity just holds everything together, because that is what it is supposed to do. Gravity is magnanimous.

However, gravity too does have its limitations - go too fast, or to far away from it – and then gravity has no choice but to let you go. But then, you need to accelerate to something like 9.81 metres per second square to do that. To put it down simply – unless you are hell-bent on getting away from it, you pretty much cannot get away from it.

Now, would it not be a wonderful thing if something like gravity would keep us people together?

I guess, we could say that, trust, in a way, acts like gravity among us people. But trust, unfortunately, does not have the perseverance that gravity has.

Trust is selfish. Trust requires you to acknowledge its presence and reassure its being. Trust is feeble.

You do not have to accelerate a great deal, or go all that far away to break away from the holds of trust. All it takes is – one action, one lie, one comment, or one hint of betrayal. And unlike in the case of gravity, you can break the holds of trust even if you did not intend to. Trust is awfully complicated.

The only area where trust probably gets the better of gravity is – restoration. Once you get away from the holds of gravity, there is virtually no coming back. However, there is a reasonable chance that you can repair the trust you have broken. But do understand that it does involve honest determination and a lot of hard work from your side.

It is true that in some cases the broken trust may never return to where it originally was. But then again, sometimes, it is better that it does not return to where it was. In the end, all that matters is to have the bond with trust reunited.

In my personal opinion, the restoration process should only make the bond much stronger. After all, no one values trust – as much as the ones who have suffered from its violation.

Son of a Murphy!

I suppose most of you guys have heard of Six Sigma. In simple terms – Six Sigma aims at improving the quality of output of a process, by first identifying the causes of defects, and then removing them, while minimizing the sources variability, by using certain statistical methods.

Crap! Who was that guy who told me it was simple?!

Anyhow, now that I am done explaining Six Sigma, I figure I should not have done it! Instead, what I should have explained is about the Normal Distribution Curve! Okay, just forget it! The point I am trying to make is this – regardless of how controlled your process is, there is always going to be some variation. It is just normal!

Similarly, regardless of how smart a person is, he is bound to do something silly once in a while! It too, is normal!

This post is about one smart guy, who had an off day! Well, I guess you can blame it on the laws of statistics!

Anyway, it was way past sundown when this guy decided to leave office and head home. As he had to pick up some stuff on his way back, he parked his bike by the side of the road. He got the stuff he needed and got back to his bike.

He hopped on the bike, and was about to insert the key into the keyhole, while it accidentally slipped out of his grip and fell down. Actually speaking, it did not fall down. I mean, it fell, but did not go all the way down! You usually expect something falling down to hit the ground, right?! In this case it did not!

Okay, so where did the key go then? It so happened that the key was stuck somewhere in the fairing! As any sensible person would do, this guy got off the bike and started looking for the key. Did I mention that it was quite a dark night? He tried looking for it in the fairing, but could see absolutely nothing! Poor guy has his eyesight fading!

If you remember, I also mentioned that this guy was smart! He realised that his cell-phone had a LED in it. While most phones do have the option of using the LED as a torch light, his phone, unfortunately, did not! But being the smart guy that he is, he very quickly solved this problem! The only way to have the LED glowing was to switch the phone to camera mode, and depress the camera button half way down, to activate the auto-focus – which would, in turn, get the flash light to stay on, until the camera button is depressed all the way down – which would click the picture!

Do you not wish that you were as smart as him?!

Now that he had some light, he started looking for the key again. To his bad luck, the handlebar was locked with the wheel turned left, further reducing the access to the location where the key was. And while trying to manoeuvre around in the limited space, he clicked quite a few (terribly out of focus) photographs of things inside the fairing! And each time a photograph was clicked, the LED switched off – which meant he had to again go through the delicate task of keeping the camera in auto focus mode!

With persistent grit and determination – he finally managed to spot the key within the fairing! The task of retrieving it though, still remained. The key was lodged towards the bottom of the fairing, and right above the oil cooler.

The funny thing about the oil cooler is – though it is called as an oil cooler, it is freaking hot! Just imagine his situation – he spotted the key, but could not get to it because it was on top of something so hot! By now, you should have figured that he is not among the ones who would give up!

He put on his riding gloves, and got back to the task again! While the gloves insulated his hand against the heat, it certainly reduced the flexibility to reach into the tight space. But being in no mood to quit, he stuck on with the job, until he got to the key – and then yanked it out!

Bravo!

Well, this entire exercise took him some fifteen odd minutes! It did not really matter, because he finally had what he wanted! Obviously feeling proud with himself, and with a big smile on his face he hopped on the bike.

As he was about the insert the key in the key hole – you guessed it – he dropped the key again! And yeah, back in the god-damned fairing!

A gun, a temple and a cop!

This time, last year, we guys were in Delhi on a vacation. I think I can say that it was my favourite vacation till date! I just fell in love with Delhi the very day I reached there, and I loved the winter even more! Since we stayed for more than a week, we visited quite a few places there. Each day was an adventure on its own, but this one day – when we visited the Akshardham temple, seemed like it was a lot more!

We were at Chandni Chowk while three among us decided to visit the temple. Now since the temple was located at quite a distance from where we were at, we were told that it would be best for us to take the metro. And luckily for us – the metro station was within walking distance. As we headed out to the station, we came across a store that sold airguns, and one of my friends – a so called impulsive shopper, bought a pistol, and along with it, some four-hundred pellets! He put it in his haversack, and we got going.

A few minutes later, after a splendid metro ride – we were at the temple. And yeah, between the time we got in the metro and got out of it, we played a little prank on the other group of guys, who stayed back at Chandni Chowk. But soon, we were to figure that we were going to have buns on our own faces instead!

Anyway, at the entrance of the temple complex, there was a security check and we had to walk through a metal detector. And when this guy with the gun walked through, well, the machine screamed out so loud, that you would think someone had grabbed the machine by its – um, you know what!

Quite obviously, he was asked to open up his pack. So were we, but I think the guards were more interested in what he was carrying in there! This is where things started getting – entertaining, if you can call it that! My friend was a little hesitant in showing the contents to them, which only made them more suspicious! Soon enough, they saw the pistol – with its metal barrel, and a solid wooden handle! And yeah, the four-hundred rounds of pellets too!

In no time, the guards from the other places too centred on us, like we were Santa Claus and were giving away presents! With the guards not understanding English, and us, totally sucking at Hindi, it was a little troubling to explain to them that it was only a toy! Well, I was not too sure if you can call it a toy – but we had to try it anyway! We tried telling them we just purchased it on our way to this place, but we could not prove it to them, as this wise-guy had not asked for the invoice!

The guards did not buy our version of the story, and got us across the road to a police check-post. The drama continued there, only this time, it was the Delhi police instead of the temple security! And nope, they were not very convinced with what we were saying either.

Finally, my friend decided to end the circus, and asked the cop if he could demonstrate the gun. The cop answered in the affirmative, and so this guy took a pellet and loaded it in. So now that the gun was loaded, there was only one more thing left to do – fire!

The next thing this guy said to the cop must most definitely be among the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to a cop!

Impulsive Shopper: Can I fire the gun now?

You should have seen the look on the cop! I mean, he must have been wondering if he is going to witness a shootout at his check-post, and that too, after he himself, having given his approval for it! We noticed another cop come by, and I think he flipped the safety switch on his semi-automatic rifle to the armed position!

Good sense prevailed though, and my friend handed the gun to the cop, and asked him to fire it instead! The cop agreed to the idea immediately, and took the gun. I do not know why, but he unloaded it, and loaded it once over. Then he aimed the gun at a tree, some three feet in front of him. The people around us moved a few steps back, covered their ears with their palms, and began to squint their eyes! And then the cop pulled the trigger!

Bang!

It was a comedy of sorts – the pellet, of course, was thrown out the barrel, hit the tree, bounced back, and fell down! Everyone was smiling, but for one guy – the one who purchased the gun! There was a collective roar from everybody saying that it was not real! Ironically, that is what we had been trying to say since we arrived! The other cop switched his rifle to the safe position, and was flaunting it at us!

The cop who fired the gun, now had a grin on his face and started enquiring about how much it cost us, and told us how he found it unreasonably expensive for the displayed performance! My friend, who was going through this entire trauma, was visibly disappointed at learning the fact that the gun he bought had a shooting range of some three feet!

The temple guards still did not want the responsibility of having the gun deposited in their lockers, so it was agreed that we deposit it with the cops, and then enter the temple, and pick it back on our way out. We handed the gun to the cops and we entered the temple!

That is another story all together, and I should probably save it for another post!

PS: The aforementioned prank we played on our friends involved convincing them that this dude was busted at the metro station, when they security there found him carrying a gun. Sadly the joke turned back on us, when he did get busted, just when we told them it was only a prank!

And oh, the gun only fired three feet as it was not loaded correctly. Somehow, I think we were lucky the cop failed to load it correctly!

Were they that bad?!

This is something that happened a very long time ago. I met up with two of my friends – let me just call them – Rock Fan and Musically Challenged! Obviously, Rock Fan is exactly that and he has a great taste in rich music; and Musically Challenged is the one who thinks that Punjabi pop is like the best thing ever to have happened to humankind!

Now, Rock Fan had just been to the Iron Maiden concert only the previous day, and quite understandably – was still high from his experience! He so had to share his experience with anyone and everyone whom he came across. However, I think he should have known better than to share it with Musically Challenged!

RF: You know, the way the concert started was amazing! All the lights went out – and the stage was pitch-dark! Just seconds later the lights came back on, and these guys were in the middle of the stage! And then they started playing! I had tears in my eyes, man!

You should have been there to feel the emotions he shared it with! He had goose-bumps just explaining all this to us! Musically Challenged seemed least bit interested, and he simply asked him this:

MC: Why, were they that bad?!

I think RF had tears in his eyes once again!

Finally – the F word!

Warning: There is a dirty word used in this post!

Although I swear so much while talking, I have managed not to use a single swearword in my blog! Well, to be honest, it is just that I have been using milder forms of the curses in most cases, as the word in itself was not very critical to the topic. However, today is another day!

I am sure nearly all of us do use a few words, unnecessarily, in our everyday speech. Though most conversations could seamlessly flow without the use of any of these words, I feel that they just add a little bit of character, or flavour – if you can call it that!

Here are a few examples:

Who do you think you are – Neil freaking Armstrong?!

or

Oh yeah, I forgot you are freaking Albert Einstein!

See, you get the gist, right? It is just colloquial.

Now enough with the education, and let me come to the point. Though each one of us are assigned our work-stations at office and are expected to use only that machine, there are times when some of us need to switch, or use more than one machine. On one such day, I had let a friend use my computer to finish his work.

After a while, I figured I should remind him of my magnanimous gesture – and get something from him as compensation! While he failed to realise my sacrifice, I decided to show him who was the boss around there!

Me: Get off my computer, dude!

He: I do not see your name written here, mister!

Me: Oh really?! Are you fucking Ashwin Wilson?!

Okay, I figured out instantly that I was not going to like the answer to the question that I had just asked! And I guess he could not have done any better to shut me up!

He: No, but I would love to!!

Hair Care!

Yesterday while we guys were out, someone asked me how come I have not written anything about this friend of mine – who used to irritate me a lot! Okay, she still does irritate me, but not as much! Actually speaking – she does, but I guess I have just gotten used to her doing that now!

Anyway, it was only a day before I was talking about an incident involving this very friend to another friend, and I suppose this is going to be the first of many posts on my new subject. So here goes!

I am not too sure, but egg, supposedly, is a very good conditioner for your hair. Or is it just the egg white? Who cares?! In any case, it really is not very important now. One fine day, this girl had just washed her hair with egg (or white, or whatever), and was bragging about how soft her hair had become. I mean she went around the house asking each one present there to feel her hair and tell her how soft it had become!

After a while, another friend, kind of got a little annoyed with her and he told her this:

He: Why don’t you put your head in the frying pan and make me an omelette?!

The look on her face was absolutely priceless!

PS: That is because it was the very first time I saw her with her mouth shut!

How a jet engine works

Yeah, you read it right! The title does read ‘How a jet engine works’.

If you are wondering as to why on earth I would want to talk about the working of a jet engine – you are going to be very surprised! The best part is – it would take you less than two minutes to figure out the process and chances are you would never ever forget the working principle! So enough with the nonsense, and let us just get to it!

Um before I get into it, there is something else I have to say. Actually, this was brought to my notice by this friend – who is capable of twisting absolutely anything he comes across, into a something that sounds dirty! Here is an example:

He: Ashwin, do you know what a cockpit is?

Okay, you have to know this too – When he asks you a question, he does not expect you to answer him. He just wants you to ask him whatever the crap it means! So, I do the same!

Me: What?

He: A cockpit is a pit for keeping the cocks!

If you were to notice the grin on his face, you would be dead certain that the ‘cock’ he was referring to is not an adult male chicken! So, you get the gist, right?! If you did not get it – well, either you are too damn innocent, or just plain dumb! Personally, I would put my money on the latter!

Anyhow, I guess it is about time I get back to the point! Here is a picture which explains the stages. Do click on it to see the enlarged image!

Now, did you ever happen to think that the jet engine was having so much fun?!

Don’t Tell Anybody!

I realised that it has been quite a while since I wrote anything about this guy, who at one time used to be my biggest source of motivation, when it came to blogging. Um, when you think about it, he actually was more like the subject itself, rather than motivation! Anyway, I get a chance to dedicate a blog post to him – once again!

He called me up a last night and made me listen to ‘Show Me How To Live’; like he had done during the previous two times. And quite frankly, I guess it would be boring to blog about it now again. But he being him, I am never short of things to write! So, here it goes!

Scene I

This one day I went to his place – and he was all excited about something!

He: You know what?!

Me: What?

He: Windows 7 has got a scientific calculator!

Me: Dude! Even Windows 95 has got a scientific calculator!

He: Oh?! Don’t tell anybody!

Scene II

I was playing a game of chess with him once and the game had come to quite an interesting situation. At this stage, he did something that so incredibly stupid, that I had to yell at him!

Me: Dude, you can not do that!

He: And why not?!

Me: You can not cancel your pawn with your own pawn!

He: Oh?! Don’t tell anybody!

Origin-al Fire!

The region of my origin has been a source of wide speculation for quite a few people I know. Although I find it quite strange, I must confess that it has been very entertaining, at times! Here are few incidents.

Scene I

Somebody once told me that I look like a farmer, hailing from Rajasthan! When I stared back at him, totally puzzled – he gave me some sort of a weird explanation about my shoulders and waist, that makes little sense to me – even now! Anyhow, at that time I had a crush on this cute Rajasthani chick, and I had thought that I looking like a farmer dude would help my cause! But thinking about it now, I guess there are no farms, or for that matter, farmers in Rajasthan! And damn, maybe that guy was gay! And in case you are really interested – that chick is long gone!

Scene II

A girl, who had won herself a holiday in Egypt, returned and told me that I look so much like an Egyptian. The reason for her comment, I figured, was my untrimmed goatee. So I asked her is it because Egyptian men kept goatees similar to mine? She replied in the negative and said that it was because my goatee kind of resembled the one on the Sphinx! I trimmed my goatee short that very evening! And if I remember right, at least a couple more guys have branded me as an Egyptian, all thanks to my goatee! And no – I do not trim my goatee short every time I get to hear this comment now!

Scene III

I had this friend from Pakistan, who was manning this telephone booth, in Italy. I used to spend quite sometime speaking with him, and a few of his customers – who came from various parts of the world. A lot of people from the sub-continent used to visit his shop, and I used to converse with them in Hindi. (Yes people, I do know Hindi! I just do not feel the necessity to speak in it though!) Anyhow, one fine day at the telephone booth, I met this guy and he seemed like he was a guy from Delhi.

Me: Are you from Delhi?

He: No, I am from Lahore.

Me: Oh? You look and speak like you are from Delhi, so I thought you are from there. (And this is coming from me – who has never visited Delhi!)

He: Okay, so where are you from?

Me: Bangalore.

He: Oh? And I thought you were from Pakistan! You look so much like a Pakistani!

Scene IV

I do not know if it is just me, but have you ever noticed that your photograph on the visa looks so different, from the photograph you submitted in the application for it? I wonder what those guys do with it! Anyway, a couple of my friends who got to see one such photograph told me that I looked like an Arab! Well, I hope you get the point! And I blame it on the wicked looking goatee again!

Scene V

Once while I was discussing about this very thing with a group of friends, one of them told me that I actually looked like a Mauritian! Ha! I guess, well over half the Mauritian population is Indian, so maybe this dude got a little confused!

Scene VI

I got to learn that a few people in office used to call me an Iranian, but I guess it was more a sort of a nickname than anything else. The one thing that I want to point out here is – I never felt offended about all this. Except for this one time when a bunch of colleagues came by my seat and started wishing me for Onam!

Oh Crap!

Warning: The following post contains a lot of crap! Read at your own risk!

You know what? I am bored with all the crap that I have been writing here. Like come on, does anybody still read this crap? (As far as I know, I think just two guys still read it!) And yeah, speaking of crap, here is something that I want to share.

I first had this thought a few days back, and I somehow happened to discuss about it with a few friends today too. So, I might as well get all you guys (or perhaps the two of you) enlightened! And the thought is this:

No matter who you are, what you do, where you are from; you are all eventually going to end up as poop!

Seriously! Do you not believe me?

Sad!

Fine, may be I just have to prove it to you then! What exactly do you think is going to happen once we die?

Okay, stop it – I am not talking about going to heaven or hell! From what people tell me – I think I have no chance in hell, to make it to heaven! But I guess it would be quite an experience to meet Saint Peter at the gates of, uh, whatever! Ah, I am digressing!

So coming back to the topic, what exactly happens with our dead body?

Some of us may be buried, some of us may be cremated, and the lucky few – fed to birds!

And then what do you think is going to happen? Of course, anyone in the last category would very quickly realise that they are going to end up as bird crap!

Strike one!

Now the buried guys are going to decompose too, right? And from whatever little science I could grasp way back in school, I figure the process involves being consumed by tiny creatures. And once they eat – you are going to end up as their shit!

Strike two!

Now, the process with the cremated guys is a little complicated. Of course, the only stuff that remains after the incineration is ash. The ash is then disposed off in a river, or maybe even buried. Well, I suppose some fish does fancy eating ash. If not fish, I am sure there must be someone who would eventually eat you. Even if buried, you may be absorbed into the soil and blah, but you see, I can prove that you too would end up as crap, sometime or the other. I just do not want to bore you with all the technical crap, and scare you (two) away too!

So there you go – Strike three!

See, in the end, it all comes down to crap!

PS: I know that the lines at the start of my theory are like an absolute rip-off from a Backstreet Boys song; of course, with out the poop part! That is because I initially planed to write something silly about them, but I changed my mind! But just in case you still listen to them - you seriously should grow up!

Self-Motivation

Surprisingly, I get ample amount of free time these days, to do absolutely nothing. And instead of simply doing just that, I am here writing this post.

We guys at work have this little sports thing happening now. There is going to be cricket, badminton, table tennis, chess, among other things; but I am only going to be playing chess. Well, it is not like I am all that good when it comes to playing chess, nor it is like I am really bad at other sports. Actually speaking, the reason for this is quite simple - at the moment, I feel like a lazy bum!

Anyway, the last time I played chess with some serious competition was almost a year ago. So you can imagine how prepared I am for the upcoming games! And yeah, I did play a couple of games with my cousin, when he had had visited us last September, and this post is precisely about those two games!

Yeah, so we guys were just talking random stuff, when this guy spotted the chess board on my table. I think he was a bit in shock to learn that I played chess! The fact that he asked me if he could borrow it to play with his dad, reiterates my point! Anyhow, I wanted to get rid of him quick, so I gladly let him take it!

After beating his dad a few times he thought of inflating his ego, and so he asked me if I wanted to play a game. I really did not want to, but he pestered me long enough for me to finally agree. Well, as he was the guest and I the host, I tried to be nice and polite, and so - I intentionally lost the game!

Well, he should have simply shut his mouth and gone about doing his own stuff, but no – he did some sort of a weird victory dance, and then went around the entire place and told everyone about having beaten me! And he did not stop at that – he even went outside and told this to my neighbours! Can you believe that?!

He did have some learning to do, and I was more than willing to help him with it! I called him back for another game, and beat him so bad, so quick, that he went running back to his mother! And of course, I too went around the house and told everyone about beating him! Well, I did not tell my neighbours, but to compensate, I did tell about it to my dogs!

Hah, now that is motivating, right?! Yeah, now I am all charged up to beat these guys at work! So, bring it on!

And hey, have I mentioned that my cousin is eleven years old?!

Bee Story!

Say you are riding your bike. You are wearing your helmet, and the visor is down. You just raise the visor up to say something to the guy riding the pillion, and bam! There goes an insect into your mouth! I am sure every person who has ever ridden a bike, must have had at least one insect get into his mouth, while riding the bike! I think these stupid insects, kind of wait there right in your path to get into your mouth! Maybe something like those Japanese kamikazes!

And oh, I also think that birds drop their poop on you, after carefully calculating to ensure that it falls on you! As strange as it may seem, a crow once crapped into my left front trouser pocket! Like, the crap was literally inside the pocket! I am serious! And incidentally, that is where I keep my handkerchief! Now imagine this, I had to get my hand through the crap to get to the handkerchief! So, do I get through the crap, and get the handkerchief, or walk around with the crap in my pocket?! Quite a dilemma, isn’t it?! Anyway, I am digressing!

Now mosquitoes are the most common kamikaze victims, but I have had other winged insects visiting my mouth too! Sadly, I could not recognise who they were though after I spat them out, for obvious reasons! You see, it would be mixed with all the saliva and stuff! Okay, let us not talk about it!

Anyway, there was this one time when I was riding and an insect actually got into my shirt trough my left sleeve! I thought I felt something enter, but then since it was not moving around much, I thought it was nothing and I continued riding. A little while later, I kind of felt something crawling on my back! Oh crap! I had to stop the bike and find this guy (read insect) who was inside my shirt! Our pal was having a ball, and was crawling all over my back! I did manage to squash him finally when he was taking a walk on my right arm!

And now for the finale – I was once riding in quite a congested road. As usual, I had my helmet on, with the visor down. I was riding alone, so there was no necessity to open up the visor and talk! So, tough luck you wannabe kamikaze insects! Anyway, I felt something hit my neck! Next thing I see, there was a freaking bee inside my helmet! He was actually flying in the space that is between the visor and my face! Ah, at that time I thought that my time is up. Things were kind of moving in slow-motion! I am sure that my heart beat would have been higher than the reading the bike’s tachometer showed at that time! It took me quite a while to figure out that I must open up the visor!

Luckily, no one was killed that day!

Indispensable!

We guys were returning to office after lunch today, while one of my friends decided to educate us about how very essential his contribution was to the organisation! At the end of all the blah, he said this.

He: I have become a core member in the CMMI process. I am indispensable!

Me: Dude, you know what? You are as dispensable as your shit! See, you take a crap, you flush, and it is gone!

He had to wait more than a minute before responding, because none of us would have heard him over our uncontrollable laughter! Had he known what would follow, I am sure he would have chosen to keep shut instead!

He: So, do you mean to say your shit is not dispensable?!

Me: Well, if it makes you feel any better - you are as dispensable as my shit!! Okay?!

This time the laughter was even louder!

Do it like a dog!

I was riding with a friend yesterday while we got into this conversation. He had just washed his bike and was making it sound like he needed to be applauded or something! Anyway, here it goes!

He: You know, it is quite a task washing my bike.

Me: Duh, it is quite a task washing my bike too!

He: Huh, you can just piss on your bike and clean it!

Me: Whatever!

He: Speaking of pissing on the bike, I remember something!

Me: What?!

He: Once when drunk, I got into an argument with a friend about our bikes. He said that his bike was better than mine, and I said that my bike was better. One thing led to another, and then I eventually went and pissed on his bike! Looking at this, he pissed on my bike!

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?!

He: Don’t tell anybody!

Me: Yeah, right!

He: And you know, we actually pissed on the rear wheels, like dogs do!

Me: You know what my next blog is about?!

Myopia!

As a kid, I had read quite a few books on astronomy. Back then, I could identify most of the constellations and the planets in the sky. It has been quite some time now! Anyway, there are these days when the astronomer in me comes back to life, and I go to my terrace and watch the sky. I sometimes stargaze when stuck in traffic too! It is a nice way to kill some time!

One day, while I was stuck in a traffic jam, I tried to educate a friend a little about astronomy! I should have known better!

Me (pointing to the sky): Dude, look over there, that’s Mars.

He looked at where I was pointing, and then turned towards me and gave me a dirty look!

Me: Dude, what?!

He: You moron, you can not even see what’s written on the traffic sign that is right in front of you, and you mean to say you can see Mars that is so far away?!

I had no choice, but to remain speechless!

PS: I had initially decided not to write about the people I know. But then, there are a few guys who do stuff, that so deserves to be mentioned about! I dedicate this post to my dear friend!

Bicycle Diary!

Ever since I returned from Italy, I wanted to purchase a bicycle. What inspired me was the fact that a large number of guys used bikes back there. Even big shots who drove Audis and VolksWagens, would switch to their bikes a few times every week (while it was bright and sunny, of course).

So, I was all charged up when I came back home and told everyone at home about my plan. My mum laughed at me, and thought I was insane. She said that even school kids these days asked for motorbikes and here was I, wanting to buy a bike! Well, she did have a point, but it still did not discourage me. I still wanted to get a bike!

Unfortunately, the rains had to start right about then and it was pointless to pick up a bike. I could not have ridden it anywhere, considering the amazing conditions of the roads during monsoon! I had no option but to wait until the rains stopped. Crap!

Now that the rains finally stopped, I was all excited and started with the groundwork. It was only then I figured out how difficult it was to make a choice! Each store had about twenty or more different bike models, and there were so many damn stores! I thought I would make my life simpler by checking for details over the internet. Big mistake! There were even more bikes listed on the internet! It took me all of last three weeks to circle in on a bike, and the store that sold it!

So yesterday, after a wait of nearly six months, I finally got myself a bike! The only thing left was to ride it home! And hey, have I told you that the store was some sixteen kilometres form home?! Well, I had planned for the long ride and had even changed my exercise routine to concentrate on my thighs and the calf muscles! (Hah, clever me!)

It took me about an hour and ten minutes to get home. Of course, I was a little exhausted, but I did make it home in decent time! I was proud of myself for the fact that I got myself prepared for the ride! I had planned it all! Bravo!

Or, so I had thought!

When I woke up this morning, I realised there was one part of my body that I had completely forgotten about! My bum – it hurts like hell!

What not to do in an interview!

A few weeks back, I was nominated (hurray!) from my office to appear for a long term management program. What it meant was that my office would sponsor my MBA classes - provided I clear the entrance test conducted by the college.

Now people who know me know that I am not so much of a ‘management’ guy. I would rather do something technical, than any of the management crap! Anyway, since I got this opportunity, I thought that it was worth a shot!

So, here I was in Mumbai giving my interview. It started of with me giving a brief introduction about myself, my work and responsibilities and stuff. And then things got a little interesting! I guess the interviewer sensed that I doing a management course would be injustice! I did try my best to convince him that I needed this management degree to lead the industry of tomorrow! And then he asked me this!

He: What do you think your general manager does in his office?

Me: Well, he would be thinking about profit and loss, people utilisation, how much work is currently in ‘work-in-progress’, outstanding, order backlogs, trying to meet the budget, going through various presentations and excel sheets and all the boring stuff!

He: And you want to do that?!

Me: Oh?!

He just smiled, and I knew it was the last nail in my MBA class’ coffin!

I, obviously, flunked the test!

Ironic

I guess I was in my final year of engineering, when I first had this thought of taking up a job, only in an Indian organization. Call it patriotism or stupidity, whichever one you prefer! And when I actually got placed in one such place, I felt like my prayers have been answered! In fact, I had chosen not to attend an interview with a US based MNC that was paying almost twice as much, just because, well, it was not an Indian corporation!

Anyway, after my initial orientation, I was placed in the Construction and Mining unit, wherein a large part of my job involved understanding and studying technology developed by Japanese and used in their machines!

About a year later, I was moved to the Hydraulics unit, wherein my job involved me to design and work on equipments for the mining industry using German made pumps and controls, and French made motors!

In December 2006, I was moved to the Engineering Services group. I now work for clients in the Mining and Earthmoving industry, primarily based in Europe and the United States!

So much for me wanting to work for an Indian company!

Blame it on the genes

While I was riding to work this morning, I had this brilliant topic to blog about. And now when I am sitting here to write, I just can not remember what it was! Crap! But now that I want to write, I might as well do it.

So, we had ordered for a wardrobe recently and it was delivered to our place a few days back. There were four guys who had come along with it, to transport and to set it up in place.

While these guys were moving it into the room, they figured out that the wardrobe was about an inch taller than the door height. And nope, it was not possible to carry it in sideways, because, well, my house is built that way. Anyway, after a few attempts by these guys, one of them came up with a brilliant idea that he shared with my dad.

He: (with a smile of accomplishment!) Sir, I think you should call a carpenter and get the doorframe cut, and then we can move the wardrobe inside!

Dad: When you go to pick up shoes and in case it does not fit you, would you cut your feet, or change the shoes?!

I somehow refrained from clapping!