Reminiscence

For the past few months, I have been obsessed with cycling. Barring, perhaps, a couple of times this year, I must have spent the reminder of the weekends cycling. I had opted out of many plans, only because it did not involve any cycling! Um, thinking about it, it was rather stupid of me to ask my friend if there was a decent trail for me to ride my bike nearby his wedding reception hall!

Anyway, yesterday, after quite a while, I caught up with the rest of the gang (who do not cycle that is) for lunch. A couple of chaotic hours and a lot more annoyed looks from the other guests at the restaurant later, we were done with lunch. None of us had anything specific to do post lunch, so we got out of the restaurant and started yakking. Since we were at a mall, the girls decided to go shopping; and us guys, well, we had to wait for the girls!

We all knew the girls would not be back for quite some time, so we decided to go bowling. After finding our way to the place (which was an adventure in itself), we figured it was closed. Technically speaking, it was not even open! Disappointed, we headed to the food court to get something to drink.

As we got to the food court, before we could place our orders, oddly enough, all we guys headed to the loo – one after another! Stranger thing was that, there was no one else in the loo except for us!

Now, I do not really know why, but as we went about doing our business, I was reminded of my college days! Even though I never kept any track of it, I suppose, back then, peeing together was almost an everyday affair! And this – was just like it! Um, except that the loo in the mall was inestimably cleaner! And that, I figured, was what made this seem so weird. I doubt if there is a single urinal in any college, without some graffiti scribbled across its walls! And that is exactly what we were missing here! Ah, the little things we take for granted! If there ever was something like a memorable pee – that was it!

In the process, I could recall the funniest graffiti I have ever read on a urinal wall. Of course, I read it in the college loo. It would be outright wrong on my part, if I did not share it with you guys! Here goes:

If your pee is clear, you are doing all right.

If your pee is a little yellow, you should drink more water.

If your pee if dark yellow, you probably have jaundice.

If your pee is red, you are in the wrong loo!

I am sure the dude could win a Nobel Prize – for literature! 

Will I Ever Learn?!

A friend of mine moved to Europe earlier this year. Our busy work schedule meant that we could not speak with each other for quite a while. But he did call me up a couple of weekends ago. He mentioned that he had intended to catch up with everyone from the gang that day. But by the time we were done speaking, he said he was going to take a nap, and that he would speak with the rest of the guys on some other day! Was that hint a little too subtle?!

Um, do you think I talk too much?!

Even though I do know the answer to that question quite well, I have asked it amidst many of my conversations. And the answer I had received, was always in the negative – until very recently that is!

I guess, my friend decided she had tolerated enough of my nonsense, and on this fine day told me – Ashwin, you talk way too much! And you never listen!

Um, here I was thinking I have a talking problem! Now I figure I have a listening problem too!

Now, to be honest, I do not think talking too much is much of a problem. It really is not. After all, talking burns a lot of energy and it helps me stay fit! Ah, here I am giving out fitness secrets – and that too for free! Um, I wonder if that was even a little bit convincing!

Anyhow, when I gave this entire thing a little thought, I figured that talking itself is not the problem. But talking without thinking – most certainly is! Do read on to find out what I mean.

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A friend, who was seeing this guy for some time now, had recently decided to get married to him. But soon after, she was having second thoughts about it. Since I also happened to know the guy fairly well, she thought it would be wise to discuss this with me. After a rather long conversation, I made good progress in making her realise that her decision to marry him, indeed, was the right thing for her to do.

Towards the fag end of our conversation, she said:

She: Thank you, Ashwin. Talking to you, really helped.

Me: Keep the thanks in your pockets! After all, I would any day go with the devil I know, than the devil I do not!

She: And how exactly is that supposed to make me feel better?!

Me: Oh crap!

PS: You guys must know that she did end up marrying the guy!

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A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place. Amongst us, was this girl, who always seemed to have some weird question or the other in store for me. On this particular day, she wanted to know something about the t-shirt I was wearing.

She: Ashwin, are trying to impress girls by wearing this t-shirt, showing off your biceps?!

Me: Had I had cleavage, I would have shown it off by wearing a low neck t-shirt! But without it, I will have to do good with just this!

Surprised by the silence that followed, I glanced around the room and noticed that everyone looked dumbfounded. And everyone, including me, agreed that it was a disgusting thing for me to have said!

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I was once out with a friend, and our conversation involved nonsense just like the other days. Somewhere along all this, we started talking about tattoos.

She: Ashwin, I want to get a tattoo.

Me: What are you going to get – a butterfly?

She: Ashwin!

Me: How about a flower?!

She: Just because I am a girl does not mean I should be getting a butterfly or a flower!

Me: Okay, then how about a dolphin?!

She: (More sternly, this time) Ashwin!

Me: Fine! How about you get a tattoo like Amitabh Bachchan in that movie that said – mera baap chor hein?!

Okay, I did get beaten up for this one!

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There was this time I was pissed off with something and was swearing incessantly to vent out the frustration. A guy I had an acquaintance with, came by and told me this:

He: Ashwin, you are a gentleman. You should not be talking like this.

Me: You know what? I am an asshole, and when angry, I fart!

That guy did not talk to me much after that day!

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There was this time when I was dropping a friend back to her place. She was riding pillion and perhaps, talking about all things girly. That perfectly explains why I was not paying any attention to what she was saying in the first place! Anyhow, in some time, she figured I was not listening to her.

She: Ashwin! Are you even listening to me?

Me: What were you saying?!

She: Thank goodness, we are not dating each other!

Me: Ah, never mind that! I do not date girls who are fatter than me, anyway!

Okay, that, by far, must be the stupidest thing I had ever said! I am lucky I was not murdered that day!

Go Fetch Yourself

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I strongly suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line.

If you have known me long enough, you would very well know that I am not an overtly religious person. Um, even if you were to omit ‘overtly’ from the previous sentence, it would sound just about right! Actually, it would sound even more right that way! Anyhow, this post is not about my take on religion. So you might be wondering why I had to start it the way I have done. Well, all that trouble was to merely make a point that – in spite of my religious beliefs (or rather, the lack of it), there is this one story from the Holy Bible that fascinated me, and I still remember it (or at least, most of it), although I first heard it many years ago, in Sunday school.

The story goes like this – Jesus, after having fasted for some forty odd days, apparently, ran into Satan (or was it the devil?). Satan, being the bad guy, of course, tried to tempt Jesus into doing things, so as to prove that he was all that, that people were claiming that he was. But Jesus, being the son of God and all, refused to fall into the ploy Satan had set up, and asked him to take a flying, you know what; even though he knew very well that he could have done all that, and more, than what Satan had asked him to do!

To translate this to a real life situation – it is like telling somebody you would not slap them, just because you knew very well that you could slap them! Man, now how cool is that?! Jesus was my hero back then, and I wished I could grow up to be just like him! But alas, things got seriously messed up at some point in time, and here I am today.

So, if you were planning on asking me to slap you, and if I knew that I could slap you – then I probably would slap you! And that brings me to the actual point of taking time off from my schedule to write this post. Or maybe not; but I promise I will be there within the next couple of paragraphs! But first, here is a question that crossed my mind (very) recently.

What exactly is it that instigates somebody to go ahead and do something, that he otherwise had no intention, whatsoever, of doing in the first place – when challenged? Well, I guess I will start my quest to discover (or possibly, invent) the answer to this question in just a bit; but before that, I must come to the actual point of writing this post! Honest, this is really it!

Alcohol does different things to different people. Or rather, people behave quite differently after they consume alcohol, than they do otherwise. Some laugh, while others weep. Some talk more, while others shut up. Some fight, while others make up. Some get happy, while others sulk. Few, walk about in their undergarments, or buy jewellery, or get a tattoo, or get laid. And even fewer – take off their undergarments too! And last, but not the least – there are those who take their mothers to church!

Well, I am sure most of you guys can append that list with some of your own experiences, but I bet you would not have met somebody who actually gets way smarter than he is otherwise; when drunk! I am certain his intelligence quotient climbs up quite a few notches when he is high! (Pun intended!) Charles Darwin would surely have given up his work on Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection if he were ever to meet this dude! Um, I wonder if I should dedicate some time on this subject and get myself a doctorate in psychology! On second thoughts, nah; this post in itself was a total waste of time!

To part, if you have ever played with your pet dog in your garden, there would have been times when he would go about, find a stick, bring it to you and want you to throw it away – only to run behind it to fetch it for you. Somebody gave me that stick, and I threw it away.

Breaking Habits

For a very long time now, like most people I know, I used to make resolutions – without fail, as another year went by and a new one dawned. It is totally another story altogether that I hardly adhered to any of them; but it still did not deter me from making more resolutions for the coming year. Um, now I wonder why somebody ought to wait for the start of a new year to change their behaviour. I suppose it has become some kind of a fad to do it that way, and now most of us do it because our peers are doing it. And why are our peers doing it? Well, because their peers are doing it! After all, that is the same reason why we take up drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, right?!

Um, I realise I am diverging from what the post was supposed to be about; so I will leave it at it. Now, coming back to my resolutions – as far as I can remember, all of them, always included stuff that I intended to stop. These were not necessarily bad stuff, as such; but just weird stuff – like incessantly swearing! It is funny, actually, how you go about doing a certain something in a particular way, and it somehow, subconsciously, gets etched permanently in you; and ends up becoming a trait that defines you – some of which, you may at one time, decide to change.

In the recent past, I have learnt that life offers you situations to get rid of certain habits; and these, often, have a much higher success rate than trying to lose them through resolutions. Here is an anecdote that I would like to share. I almost always am listening to music while I am riding the motorcycle, or driving the car. Of course, that is not a habit I was planning on stopping, and I also know that it is not weird! But what certainly is weird, is that every time the player blasted out Show Me How To Live by Audioslave, I used to shift a gear down, open the throttle, or step on the pedal; and quickly get the tachometer needle hovering around the engine redline! Normalcy would return, some five minutes later, on completion of the song!

Lately, I have taken up bicycling (a little more seriously) and I ride about 50 kilometres a day on my MTB, during the weekend. And as you might have guessed, I listen to music, even while biking. There was this one day, when I had ridden well over 50 kilometres and was headed back home. I had just about started ascending an upslope (that stretches a little less than a couple of kilometres) and the music player switched to Show Me How To Live!

Um, I did start pedalling quicker to get myself going a little faster, but I knew I did not have the energy left to sustain it for another five minutes! Besides, shifting a gear down, in this case, would only make it worse for me! So I got pedalling at a more comfortable pace – reluctantly, convincing myself that I did not necessarily have to be moving very fast, while listening to that song! Well, that was how I broke the habit of over-speeding while listening to Show Me How To Live!

Speaking of breaking habits, I am also reminded of another incident, which I guess, can be included in the same post. There was this group of friends, whom I used to visit quite frequently. On one such visit, while using their loo to take a leak, I noticed that the bathroom door did not close completely. A quick investigation later, I figured the door had warped, and hit against the frame, preventing it from being closed. Honestly, I was not very comfortable peeing with the door ajar. Moreover, I thought it would be rude if I peed with an open door, and so, brought it to their notice.

Oddly enough, they seemed to know all about it and told me it was okay to use the loo, without closing the door completely! Um, so that solved a problem. However, a little risk still remained that somebody might (accidentally, of course), walk in to the loo while I was using it. So, I quickly devised a plan and suggested that the person using the loo would have to sing a song, as long as they were in there! That was to be our sign, to let us know that the loo was occupied; and in the process, would avoid any potential embarrassing situations in future! Pretty creative, huh?!

Anyhow, so this is how it went. From then on, each time while using their loo, I would close the door as much as it would, and then sing until I finish my business! Everything worked perfectly fine; that is, until the last time I visited them. As I swung the door to close it behind me, I heard the quick latch on the door snap into its place on the frame. Even before turning around, I already knew that the door had completely closed.

Crap!

Perhaps, they had gotten it fixed. But why would they want to do it? Why now, after we had a protocol set up, and followed it so rigorously?! This was not right. There was no way I was going to pee with a closed door! But I did want to pee! Argh, it was quite a dilemma, I tell you!

Anyway, after a little thought, I walked back to the door, kept it ajar, got back, and started singing a song! Some habits, are not meant to be broken!

Here is wishing you guys a fabulous year ahead!

Take A Seat!

Flying in a low-cost airline does save you some money. But it also means you have to make a few compromises. Uh, how else would you expect the airline to be profitable?

The last time I was flying in one such airline, I noticed something peculiar. Actually, I noticed it while taking a leak, while flying in one such airline! Although I have never been inside one, I estimated that a coffin would have been a little roomier than the restroom in the aircraft! The water closet was at the farthest end, from the entrance, and the roof sloped down at the side. All this meant that I had to pee, taking a bow! Halfway through, I was wondering if it would have been easier if I had just sat down!

Speaking of which, I am reminded of something else. Now, if you know me well, you would know that there are a lot of things that can piss me off. One among them, is when people talk to me in a loo! Another is when I find a dirty urinal! Um, this is all you need to know for the moment, so I am stopping this list at it!

The other day when I entered this loo and walked towards the urinal, I was infuriated with what I saw. The guy who was there previously, probably did not notice the urinal at all, or grossly overestimated the size of his weenie! Still swearing at him and all the mess he had made, I walked over to the next urinal.

Just about then, a friend walked into the loo, and stepped up to the same urinal, I had just walked away from. He too was irritated, and stepped back. See, I am not the only one who gets pissed off seeing a dirty urinal! Anyhow, he felt it was a good idea sharing what he saw.

He: What the hell happened at that place?!

Me: Expletives! How difficult a task is it to actually pee into the urinal?! And somebody should tell them that if they cannot aim, they should just sit down on the crapper instead!

And then we laughed for about five minutes!

Okay, I rate this as the most pointless blog post written ever!

Bluetooth Headset

I had intended to dedicate all the time I could spare for blogging, to get the story on my ride to the Himalayas. But then, I so have to get this done with right away.

There is this friend of mine, who carries a cell phone that is as big as the roof over your head! Initially, the jokes we cracked about its size went something like this:

Dude, my flat screen television is smaller than your phone!

Dude, if I wanted anything bigger, I would have picked myself a dining table!

But today it was a little different. We guys had met up for dinner and another friend was a little taken aback by the size of the phone.

Guy: Do you actually use that phone for talking, or do you have another phone?

Big Phone Guy: I use it, but with a Bluetooth headset.

Me: Of course you will have to use it with a headset. Else, the microphone would be so low, that the person on the other end can probably hear you fart better than they could hear you speak!

Okay, I promise I will be back with my Himalayas story soon!

Black and Blue

I have been thinking a lot lately – about human relationships. And the more I think about it, the more I am certain that we are all weird!

In this part, I am going to talk about questions. Most people ask you questions just for the sake of asking them. The answer you provide to them would not make any difference, whatsoever. Here is a little example I want to share.

Guy: Hey, you picked up a white helmet?!

Me: Yeah.

Guy: What colour is your bike?

Me: It is black.

Guy: Then why did you pick up a white helmet?!

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Guy: Sure, go ahead.

Me: What is the colour of the underwear that you are wearing?!

Guy: What?!

Me: I asked - what is the colour of the underwear that you are wearing?

Guy: Well, it is blue!

Me: Now, are your balls blue?!

Um, the blog post would have been just about fine if I stopped at this – but there is more.

Guy: Actually, they are a little black!

As I see it

I had planned to do it a little earlier than this, but then it is not like I am in a race. Here are a few things I found amusing in Surat.

This is the first thing I spotted when I stepped out from the train station.

Do they not build all the walls of a building simultaneously any more?!

 

Why even bother making them pay for that one?!

I think I now know why the previous store was giving that offer!

Why on earth would someone want to do this?!

This is what I got when I asked for a special lunch while I was on the train out of Surat!

And oh, I also spotted a guy who was selling human hair! I was too scared to take his picture! Another dude was selling waterproof watches, and was displaying its reliability by having them immersed in a tub of water! I was too scared to ask him if I could take his picture too!

For all the wrong reasons

One amongst the many things I planned to do this year is travel to, at least, twenty places (that I have not been to earlier) around the country. And by February, I had already made it to eight different places. I had a plan to visit another three in March, but, unfortunately, I had to postpone it due to commitments at the workplace. So when I got this chance to visit Surat for a week, as a part of a work assignment, I was excited that I would make it to almost the halfway mark by the month of March.

I reached Surat quite late in the evening, and hired an auto-rickshaw to get me to the guesthouse I was to stay at. I must say – this was the most thrilling auto-rickshaw ride, I have ever been on! I was told that these run on CNG, but this guy had probably switched to rocket fuel or something! The acceleration had kept me pinned to the backrest of the seat for most part of the journey! To top it, we were on a road with no lights, and the headlamp on the vehicle barely managed to light up even a foot in front of it! I guess he would have gotten better visibility if he had switched to a candle instead of that headlamp! Needless to mention, there was more than one occasion during that ride, wherein I thought I would meet Saint Peter!

Given that my guesthouse was located quite away from the city, and the fact that I had to spend most of the time at work, I hardly had any time left to actually visit the city. The cricket semi-finals and finals involving India that happened in the same week did not help either. However, I did manage to make some time one evening to visit the city. I asked a few people about the places to visit and took off with a few other guys, who were at the guesthouse. At the end of it, I feel I should not have.

One thing very noticeable in Surat, is the way people drive. I have not seen a worse driving performance in any other place I have been to. People moved randomly in just about every direction, and the entire thing was as chaotic as the movement of molecules within an object! I actually lost count of the number of times I was almost run over that evening! It was for the first time I was glad I had taken life insurance!

There is not a single zebra crossing in the entire city, people there have no idea about the existence of a riding helmet, they honk every time they breathe in, and there were more people driving into a road with a ‘no entry’ sign, than the people coming out of it!

After that experience, I was only too glad that I was to catch my train to get out of the city yesterday. But the torment for me was not over yet. I walked around the entire length of the platform to find a location that did not smell like crap! And I guess even garbage land fills would contain lesser quantity of trash than the amount that lay on the train tracks! Miraculously, the train did not skid off them when it arrived!

The stop over at Bombay, and to have met Anil Kumble in the flight back home made the trip a whole lot better. In the end, I guess, I would remember Surat for quite a while – albeit, for all the wrong reasons!

What’s the score?

Let me start this with a gender biased statement – most women are not as crazy as most men, when it comes to following a game of cricket! Just in case, if you happen to be die hard feminist and have a problem with the above statement – go jump!

Anyway, now that the cricket world cup has begun, almost everyone I know – the girls included, seem to be having something to say about every match that is being played. Some of the really annoying ones keep updating their Facebook status as the match progresses – ball by ball, which results in your homepage being filled only with their updates! This is the trouble with high-speed internet connections and unlimited download plans! Somebody tell them that there a websites designed specifically for this purpose (and thankfully, without their expert opinion)!

I realise I am straying a bit too much, because this post is not about those morons! This post is about my friend – who on this one day, seemed to be more interested than any of us about the cricket match that was being played. I was quite surprised, because I had never actually remembered her mentioning even a word of cricket before she had gotten married! So perhaps, it was the marriage to this guy that made her follow cricket!

Anyhow, a bunch of us had met up for lunch, and we were wondering what we could do next. Since the boys wanted to pick a few games for their PlayStations, we went into a store that sold these. This girl, and her husband entered the store a few minutes after we were there.

Like most stores these days, this too had a wide-screen television hung on one of its wall. And whenever there is a cricket match in which India is involved, it invariably is stuck on to the channel broadcasting the match. Also, you can find a few kids standing so close to the screen that you begin to wonder why did they ever bother trying to make the screen bigger!

Now, as soon as this girl saw the television, she ran towards it and was analysing the score with great interest! And that is when I thought I should tell her this!

Me: Hey, that is not the telecast of the match that is being played today! It is the game, these kids are playing on the Xbox!

Mimosa Pudica

For a guy who detests any kind of body contact – apart from a handshake, the mandatory security frisking at a few places is a nightmarish experience! While at airports, the security personnel frisking are actually aware of what they are looking for, in most other places, I am sure, the security guys do not have the remotest idea about what exactly they ought to be doing! This is about my experience at the security check, at the Akshardham temple, in Delhi.

After the little circus act the three of us were involved in before we entered the temple complex, we expected a smooth sailing, once we were actually allowed inside. In case you are not aware of what had happened, I guess you should read about it here!

Anyhow, once inside, we guys had to leave behind, our cell phones, cameras, and other electronic items we were carrying, after first removing the batteries out from them. We also had to leave our backpacks behind too. And after all this, we were asked to get in a queue.

Well, I have never been to a prison before, but I imagined that convicts would probably be brought in, like us guys in that queue! Only for them, it would be far less crowded! It was so damn crowded, I was wondering if there was going to be a rock show happening inside!

We had walked some halfway through the queue, when I felt something touch my lower back. I turned around, to check and I noticed a man, and he looked like he was at least like a foot and a half behind me. Strangely enough, there was still something touching me. When I looked down, I realised that this guy had a tummy, that was like a foot and a half ahead of him! I am not exaggerating, people – he really had his paunch that far ahead of him! Think of him, as the passenger compartment of a car, and his tummy as the bonnet!

Crap, now I have that dirty image of that guy in my mind again!

Ah, I tried to get away from him, but that happy guy, like our auto-rickshaw drivers, inched ahead the moment I stepped forward, getting along with him his enormous belly! I tired moving to the left, to the right, and just about every other possible place within that narrow walkway to move away from him, but this dude just held on!

Anyway, we guys finally reached the end of the queue, where another security guy was letting people enter in batches. It so happened that both my friends ahead of me were allowed to pass as a part of the previous batch, and I was asked to stop. And as instructed, I did stop!

I have no idea what got into this security guy, but the next second he was all over me, screaming at my face, not to get ahead! In spite of telling that nincompoop that I was not intending to step forward unless being asked to, he, with all his might, was trying his best to prevent me from getting across the line! And yeah, about that security guy – he probably had not taken a bath for a week, and had not washed his uniform for longer! And now, that moron was all over me!

Coming to think of it, the little incident I had with a gay guy while I was in Italy seemed so much pleasant, when compared to this! Nope, I am never writing a post on that!

Anyhow, it was time to let the next batch in, and after another round of security check, I was finally free to see the temple. I caught up with these guys, and we headed to the temple.

It was then we realised that the temple was closed!

Murder!

Although I initially planned not to write any bit of introduction to this post, I could not stop myself from doing it! I was out on a little vacation with my friends last weekend, and stayed overnight at Belur. It is a nice little town, which is known for its twelfth century temple, built by the Hoysalas. The temple there is so magnificent, that I guess it could turn an atheist into a believer!

Anyway, this post is not about the temple – I certainly can do no justice writing about it! This post is about the other things we spotted in the town. We took a little walk through the town late in the evening, because, well, we had nothing else to do! And that is when we spotted these!

It just keeps getting better!

I guess the dude who made this probably spent a little too much time in the bar!

Anyhow, we got back to our hotel after our walk, and found these while ordering our dinner!

One block tea for me and a leman tea for the lady, please!


Um, the apple is so good, that you would probably not notice the strawberry!

Special, indeed!


It certainly looks like variety!


I think the e from the pineapple went up to the ice cream, and the a just popped up in the soda!


I do not even know what to say!


Have you never seen a papad roost before?!


I almost died when I read item 743!


And I saved the best for last – though this one was spotted in Sakleshpur!

Moron times two!

I am sure all you guys have you come across a few people, who always have something to say to you, irrespective of how unqualified they are in that subject. Unbelievably, the entire place is infested with morons like these! This post is about one such retard. Um, actually, make it two!

I was driving to some place a couple of days ago, and had this moron for company beside me. There was another guy too, but more about him later. We encountered a bad stretch of road for far too long, due to some construction work going on in the highway, and had to slow down. I think the slow down, kind of made this moron a little restless.

Moron: You do not have to slow down for these bumps, man. Your car is built for taking these!

Me: Dude, shut up!

Now, if you are wondering as to why I asked him to shut up, here is a little history about him. He once rammed his motorbike to the rear wheel of my motorbike. Obviously, I was irritated.

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?

Moron: Relax, man! Bikes over 150 cc are designed to handle things like this!

You get it, right? That is his concept of building vehicles! Somebody ought to give him a lesson on use, misuse, and abuse!

The other day, he asked me to drive his car. As I was about to adjust the central rear view mirror of his car, he almost died in panic!

Moron: What are you doing, man?! You can switch it only from the day mode to the night mode, and nothing else!

Me: Actually, you can also move it around to get a better view of the rear!

Moron: Oh? I did not know that.

Funny thing is – he has been driving his car for over a year!

And yeah, the car he drives has the radio antenna installed on the roof. This meant that the antenna got lodged on to the frame of the garage entrance, each time he took drove through it. Evidently, he was getting quite frustrated with this, and decided to break the antenna off the roof. It was only then he figured that the entire antenna could be disassembled! And this too, after almost a year of having the car!

And to finish this, here is what he did yesterday. As I was slowing down due to a traffic pile up, he opened the door – even as the car was moving.

Me: Dude, what are you doing?

Moron: Sorry, man. I thought the car was stopped.

So, I guess it is quite clear why I asked him to shut up!

Now, remember I had mentioned there was another guy with us? Unfortunately for me, he too seemed to concur with the moron.

Well, the only thing you have to know about the second guy is – he has been learning to ride a geared motorbike for the last six years!

You can only imagine my situation!

Politically Incorrect!

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line. For the rest of you, I consider these as jokes, and I hope they are taken that way.

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I had visited a friend yesterday, and I noticed the packaging of a Christmas Crib at his place. Looking at it, I was reminded about what he had told me happened in his place last Christmas.

While his sister was setting up the crib last year, she accidentally dropped the Joseph figure, and unfortunately for her, the figure was broken.

Now when it comes to setting up a crib, you could do it in any way you prefer. It is totally up to you to decide on the number of shepherds or the sheep that you would like to have. Moreover, the presence of a few characters is totally optional – like the three wise men and their camels. In general practice, the more the merrier. However, it is absolutely necessary to have the baby, with Mary and Joseph beside it.

Anyhow, his sister was in quite a predicament, considering the absence of Joseph in the crib, and she had to do something about it. So, in order to complete the crib, she decided to substitute Joseph by one of the many shepherds.

After a while her mother noticed this, and she had to say this.

Mother: What is that shepherd doing next to Mary? You will end up giving Mary a bad name!

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I was out driving around with a couple of friends earlier this evening, when a couple of Sardars rode past our car, on their motorbikes. Obviously, neither of them was wearing a helmet.

Me: If you are a Sardar, you would not have to wear a helmet while you are riding a motorbike.

Friend: It probably does not matter to the Indian government if they are dead or alive!

Happy Ending!

I have this friend, who thinks he sounds like Russell Crowe, when he catches a cold! I wonder what is it with people trying to find a trait they share with some celebrity!

Anyway, I was listening to this song – leaving on a jet plane, covered by Chantal Kreviazuk, when I was riding back from work this evening, and it reminded me of this little stuff that happened a few weeks ago.

A bunch of us had gathered at a friend’s place, and were just talking about random things – just killing time until the others arrived. That is when I realised this girl amongst us, kind of, sounded a little different that day.

Me: What happened to your voice?

She: I have a cold.

Guy 1: She kind of sounds like that lady who sang that song, ‘leaving on a jet plane’.

Guy 2: Exactly!

Guy 1: Was it Alanis Morissette?

Me: No, it was Chantal, somebody.

As we continued talking about the song, I guess this girl seemed quite pleased that we thought she sounded like Chantal!

And just about then, this happened.

Guy 1: I think that was probably the crappiest version of that song, ever!

Everybody in the room, except this girl: Yeah, I was just going to say that!

Well, being compared to a celebrity does not necessarily lead to a happy ending!

Conversations

There is this one friend I have got, who is almost always at a different place whenever I call him! Anyway, the last time I spoke to him he was just about getting back home after a round of shopping with his wife and kid. As he was parking his car, he said he would call me back in five minutes, as he had to help his wife in carrying the stuff they had gotten for their home.

He did not call back!

A couple of hours later, he came up on IM, and here is the conversation we had:

He: Hi again, I was arranging things at home.

Me: I kind of understood that, uncle! One of the advantages of being single is you do not have to arrange things at home!

He: Ha, ha! I like cleanliness!

Me: I like practicality! There is no point wasting time in arranging things!

He: Why not?

Me: See, first you waste time in putting it in a place, and then in taking it out! Leave them all on a chair! You should see my room!

He: If everything is clean, you know where things are.

Me: Well, my room is not clean, and I still know where all my things are!

He: Grr!

Me: It is practical! But you cannot do it because you have a wife who says it has to be clean!

Me: Let us see what your wife has to say about that.

Me: There are a lot of things I need to check before I agree on a wife!

He: Hmm! You take so much time in choosing a car; you would take ages for choosing a wife!

Me: Of course! And I am in no hurry either!

He: We all are! You are among the last ones among us to get married!

Me: You can all wait! I want to rub the advantages of being single on you guys for as long as it takes!

He: Do you want me to list advantages of marriage?

Me: Go ahead! But be aware - I might use it in my blog if I find it interesting!

He: You get timely food.
You have company all the time.
There is no necessity of wasting time.

Me: Maggi noodles take two minutes to cook, and I have two dogs!

He: Okay simple - you have to get married sometime. It is better accomplish certain tasks soon.

Me: You could come up with just three reasons, huh?! Let me see, firstly I need to go to Himalayas. Marriage can wait!

He: Why not take your wife along? Give her an Avenger.

Me: Oh please! You would have to hear complaints about the cold, bad roads, bad seats on the bike, bad food, bad accommodation, dust, snow, her nails and her hair! And after all that I would have to take her pillion!

He: I give up!

--

Well, I could not find anything more interesting to write about this evening than this!

One smart IT guy

Is there anyone out there, who thinks that the IT guys employed by the organisations they are working with are more knowledgeable and more capable, when it comes to rectifying issues that crop up on your computer?

I did not think so!

Nevertheless, we do have to take the issues to them, just because we need to follow the protocol.

Well, I did have some computer trouble last week at the office, and quite obviously, had to contact the IT guys. Now one little thing you guys must know is, here, the IT guys who help us with our issues, do not sit in the same office, or for the matter in the same city as where we are. We have to call them up over the phone, and all the debugging happens through desktop sharing over Microsoft NetMeeting.

Anyhow, a few minutes into the debugging process, the IT guy reckoned it to be an issue with the network adaptor driver. Here is the conversation that ensued.

He: I have to reinstall the driver for the network adaptor. It is required to close all the programs that are open at the moment. Can I proceed in closing them all?

Me: Alright, go right ahead!

So, he closed all the programs, and then went on to open the Device Manager. He scrolled down to Network Adaptors, right-clicked on it, and then hit Uninstall!

And in a jiffy, it was done!

He: Uh, I seem to have lost the connection with your computer. Could you please connect me back on NetMeeting?

Me: I am sorry, I cannot do that. You just uninstalled the network adaptor, and I am no longer connected to the network!

He: Oh shit!

Beating around the bush

Someone recently pointed to me that I talk way too much, and so, I thought maybe it is time I do something about it. I guess, I for one, am a guy who just does not say what has to be said, in the simplest possible manner! (Um, the previous sentence, kind of, reiterates the point, right?)

One late evening, a few months ago, a couple of guys from work were involved in a motorbike accident. They had fallen off the bike, and from what the guy recalls – a truck ran over his thighs! The doctors who attended to him said that there was only muscle damage, and it was not a major concern. (Yeah, right! Let me run a truck over you and then hear you say that!) He was asked to stay overnight in the hospital and leave the next day. The other guy stayed with him too.

Anyway, a few of us visited them at the hospital next day, during our lunch break in office. For whatever reasons, these guys wanted to keep this accident as a secret and only a handful of us had the privilege of knowing about it. But somehow, the others had gotten to know all about it by the time we were back in office, and we were stormed at, and forced to give them a status update! (I wonder if these guys had ever heard about telephones!)

After listening to us, a few girls too wanted to go meet them at the hospital later in the evening. Now my friend, with whom I had visited these guys, thought this was a bad idea. Let me tell you why – though the guy’s legs had survived, unfortunately, his pair of jeans did not! And due to having kept this entire thing under wraps, no one had bothered to carry them a change of clothes! So basically, this guy was sitting there in his underwear!

Anyhow, here is the conversation between this guy and the girl.

Guy: No, they are fine at the moment. You could probably meet them tomorrow.

Girl: No, I want to meet them today.

Normally, I would have given details of the entire conversation, which in effect is the repetition of the above two lines, many times over! But since I am on the path of getting to the point quickly, I am going to pass this time!

Guy: No, we will take you there tomorrow.

So I thought I should pitch in, for this guy.

Me: Listen, his jeans are wrecked and he is sitting there in his underwear! Trust me – you do not want to see him in that!

Guy: Oh, thank you very much, Ashwin! I did not want to tell that to her directly!

Okay, so if you are wondering what was point of this story – well, it is just to prove that even when I do not beat around the bush and say only the things that matter – I still get flak!

How to make an American!

There are a few things that you remember, irrespective of how long it has been since it actually happened. This post is about one such thing.

Back when I was still studying, there was this girl in class. Her dad was a Bengali, and her mum was a Kannadiga. Thinking about it, I cannot recall how we got to know that information, or how it mattered to any one of us anyway! But in any case, that information led to one hell of a laugh back then, and of course, this post too!

Coming back to this girl – well, she spoke in an accent that would probably give a complex to an American himself! You get the gist, right?

One day in class, she happened to ask me something, and I think her fake accent, kind of, irritated my friend sitting beside me more than it did usually. As I turned to look forward he told me this:

He: I did not know that when you cross a Bengali with a Kannadiga, you end up having an American!

Absinthe

Is it not wonderful to celebrate life for no reason at all? Last night, we guys did just that – celebrate for no reason at all!

Actually what happened was this friend had gotten the place to himself, as his parents were out of town. So he made sure he got the best of it by inviting us over! Now coincidentally, another friend had just gotten back from across the seas, and as a tradition as it has become now – brought back a bottle of some fine liquor! This time is was Absinthe, and just so that you know - 68% of its volume was alcohol!

What is the big deal you ask? You see, a guy who initially told that he would not be joining us for the evening, reached the place within five minutes of learning that there was going to be a bottle of Absinthe involved in the celebrations! And he did this without telling his wife, and leaving her behind at home – alone! (In case you happen to be that wife – this never happened, and I just made it up!)

Anyway, among us there was this guy – who after downing a glass of the drink thought he could gulp another shot of it – without diluting it! And that led to this conversation.

Me: Dude, after you do that if I look through your mouth – I would probably be able see all the way to your asshole!

Another guy: Yeah, and I could tell you the colour of your underwear looking through your mouth!

PS: The drink turned out to be such a flop! I guess I could finish a cup of tea quicker than these guys took to finish a drink! On a personal note, I think it would make a very good mouthwash – just gargle it around your mouth and spit it out!