Politically Incorrect!

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line. For the rest of you, I consider these as jokes, and I hope they are taken that way.

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I had visited a friend yesterday, and I noticed the packaging of a Christmas Crib at his place. Looking at it, I was reminded about what he had told me happened in his place last Christmas.

While his sister was setting up the crib last year, she accidentally dropped the Joseph figure, and unfortunately for her, the figure was broken.

Now when it comes to setting up a crib, you could do it in any way you prefer. It is totally up to you to decide on the number of shepherds or the sheep that you would like to have. Moreover, the presence of a few characters is totally optional – like the three wise men and their camels. In general practice, the more the merrier. However, it is absolutely necessary to have the baby, with Mary and Joseph beside it.

Anyhow, his sister was in quite a predicament, considering the absence of Joseph in the crib, and she had to do something about it. So, in order to complete the crib, she decided to substitute Joseph by one of the many shepherds.

After a while her mother noticed this, and she had to say this.

Mother: What is that shepherd doing next to Mary? You will end up giving Mary a bad name!

--

I was out driving around with a couple of friends earlier this evening, when a couple of Sardars rode past our car, on their motorbikes. Obviously, neither of them was wearing a helmet.

Me: If you are a Sardar, you would not have to wear a helmet while you are riding a motorbike.

Friend: It probably does not matter to the Indian government if they are dead or alive!

Happy Ending!

I have this friend, who thinks he sounds like Russell Crowe, when he catches a cold! I wonder what is it with people trying to find a trait they share with some celebrity!

Anyway, I was listening to this song – leaving on a jet plane, covered by Chantal Kreviazuk, when I was riding back from work this evening, and it reminded me of this little stuff that happened a few weeks ago.

A bunch of us had gathered at a friend’s place, and were just talking about random things – just killing time until the others arrived. That is when I realised this girl amongst us, kind of, sounded a little different that day.

Me: What happened to your voice?

She: I have a cold.

Guy 1: She kind of sounds like that lady who sang that song, ‘leaving on a jet plane’.

Guy 2: Exactly!

Guy 1: Was it Alanis Morissette?

Me: No, it was Chantal, somebody.

As we continued talking about the song, I guess this girl seemed quite pleased that we thought she sounded like Chantal!

And just about then, this happened.

Guy 1: I think that was probably the crappiest version of that song, ever!

Everybody in the room, except this girl: Yeah, I was just going to say that!

Well, being compared to a celebrity does not necessarily lead to a happy ending!

Conversations

There is this one friend I have got, who is almost always at a different place whenever I call him! Anyway, the last time I spoke to him he was just about getting back home after a round of shopping with his wife and kid. As he was parking his car, he said he would call me back in five minutes, as he had to help his wife in carrying the stuff they had gotten for their home.

He did not call back!

A couple of hours later, he came up on IM, and here is the conversation we had:

He: Hi again, I was arranging things at home.

Me: I kind of understood that, uncle! One of the advantages of being single is you do not have to arrange things at home!

He: Ha, ha! I like cleanliness!

Me: I like practicality! There is no point wasting time in arranging things!

He: Why not?

Me: See, first you waste time in putting it in a place, and then in taking it out! Leave them all on a chair! You should see my room!

He: If everything is clean, you know where things are.

Me: Well, my room is not clean, and I still know where all my things are!

He: Grr!

Me: It is practical! But you cannot do it because you have a wife who says it has to be clean!

Me: Let us see what your wife has to say about that.

Me: There are a lot of things I need to check before I agree on a wife!

He: Hmm! You take so much time in choosing a car; you would take ages for choosing a wife!

Me: Of course! And I am in no hurry either!

He: We all are! You are among the last ones among us to get married!

Me: You can all wait! I want to rub the advantages of being single on you guys for as long as it takes!

He: Do you want me to list advantages of marriage?

Me: Go ahead! But be aware - I might use it in my blog if I find it interesting!

He: You get timely food.
You have company all the time.
There is no necessity of wasting time.

Me: Maggi noodles take two minutes to cook, and I have two dogs!

He: Okay simple - you have to get married sometime. It is better accomplish certain tasks soon.

Me: You could come up with just three reasons, huh?! Let me see, firstly I need to go to Himalayas. Marriage can wait!

He: Why not take your wife along? Give her an Avenger.

Me: Oh please! You would have to hear complaints about the cold, bad roads, bad seats on the bike, bad food, bad accommodation, dust, snow, her nails and her hair! And after all that I would have to take her pillion!

He: I give up!

--

Well, I could not find anything more interesting to write about this evening than this!

Ups & Downs

I have this one friend, who has been learning to drive since eternity, but still has not gotten the hang of it! Now, it so happened that she got her driving licence the very next day, after me, and a couple of other guys had teased her about her driving skills. And she did not waste much time in letting me know about her achievement!

She: Yay! I got my licence!

Me: It is a miracle!

She: It is ironic how you were commenting on my driving skills! God exists! IN YOUR FACE! Ha!

Me: Yeah right! Like you were waiting for the licence to start driving! See, in your case – the licence to you, is like wings to an ostrich!

She: Expletives and threats!

--

Last weekend, a bunch of us guys, had to wait for eons, so that the girls who had come along with us could finish their shopping. Funny thing is, we were there to pick up a gift for one of the guys!

Anyhow, we guys left the mall and we stopped someplace before we got back home. Now, it is not really important to know about the exact details, but I earned myself a compliment because of my chivalrous behaviour!

She: Thank you!

Me: Keep it in your pocket!

She: I do not have a pocket!

Me: Maybe you should have picked up one, while you spent all that time shopping!

She: Stop acting like my mother-in-law!

Me: Huh?!

--

There is this girl, who, apparently, can not cook. Cook well, that is! And I say apparently, because I have not eaten anything she has cooked till date! My judgement is based purely on the feedback received from a few guys who have had the honour of eating what she had cooked!

Anyhow, she had made another of her specialities yesterday, and I, unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, missed it!

She: Yet again, you missed my world famous gajar halwa!

Me: Ah, there is god!

She: Expletives!

One smart IT guy

Is there anyone out there, who thinks that the IT guys employed by the organisations they are working with are more knowledgeable and more capable, when it comes to rectifying issues that crop up on your computer?

I did not think so!

Nevertheless, we do have to take the issues to them, just because we need to follow the protocol.

Well, I did have some computer trouble last week at the office, and quite obviously, had to contact the IT guys. Now one little thing you guys must know is, here, the IT guys who help us with our issues, do not sit in the same office, or for the matter in the same city as where we are. We have to call them up over the phone, and all the debugging happens through desktop sharing over Microsoft NetMeeting.

Anyhow, a few minutes into the debugging process, the IT guy reckoned it to be an issue with the network adaptor driver. Here is the conversation that ensued.

He: I have to reinstall the driver for the network adaptor. It is required to close all the programs that are open at the moment. Can I proceed in closing them all?

Me: Alright, go right ahead!

So, he closed all the programs, and then went on to open the Device Manager. He scrolled down to Network Adaptors, right-clicked on it, and then hit Uninstall!

And in a jiffy, it was done!

He: Uh, I seem to have lost the connection with your computer. Could you please connect me back on NetMeeting?

Me: I am sorry, I cannot do that. You just uninstalled the network adaptor, and I am no longer connected to the network!

He: Oh shit!

Beating around the bush

Someone recently pointed to me that I talk way too much, and so, I thought maybe it is time I do something about it. I guess, I for one, am a guy who just does not say what has to be said, in the simplest possible manner! (Um, the previous sentence, kind of, reiterates the point, right?)

One late evening, a few months ago, a couple of guys from work were involved in a motorbike accident. They had fallen off the bike, and from what the guy recalls – a truck ran over his thighs! The doctors who attended to him said that there was only muscle damage, and it was not a major concern. (Yeah, right! Let me run a truck over you and then hear you say that!) He was asked to stay overnight in the hospital and leave the next day. The other guy stayed with him too.

Anyway, a few of us visited them at the hospital next day, during our lunch break in office. For whatever reasons, these guys wanted to keep this accident as a secret and only a handful of us had the privilege of knowing about it. But somehow, the others had gotten to know all about it by the time we were back in office, and we were stormed at, and forced to give them a status update! (I wonder if these guys had ever heard about telephones!)

After listening to us, a few girls too wanted to go meet them at the hospital later in the evening. Now my friend, with whom I had visited these guys, thought this was a bad idea. Let me tell you why – though the guy’s legs had survived, unfortunately, his pair of jeans did not! And due to having kept this entire thing under wraps, no one had bothered to carry them a change of clothes! So basically, this guy was sitting there in his underwear!

Anyhow, here is the conversation between this guy and the girl.

Guy: No, they are fine at the moment. You could probably meet them tomorrow.

Girl: No, I want to meet them today.

Normally, I would have given details of the entire conversation, which in effect is the repetition of the above two lines, many times over! But since I am on the path of getting to the point quickly, I am going to pass this time!

Guy: No, we will take you there tomorrow.

So I thought I should pitch in, for this guy.

Me: Listen, his jeans are wrecked and he is sitting there in his underwear! Trust me – you do not want to see him in that!

Guy: Oh, thank you very much, Ashwin! I did not want to tell that to her directly!

Okay, so if you are wondering what was point of this story – well, it is just to prove that even when I do not beat around the bush and say only the things that matter – I still get flak!

A gun, a temple and a cop!

This time, last year, we guys were in Delhi on a vacation. I think I can say that it was my favourite vacation till date! I just fell in love with Delhi the very day I reached there, and I loved the winter even more! Since we stayed for more than a week, we visited quite a few places there. Each day was an adventure on its own, but this one day – when we visited the Akshardham temple, seemed like it was a lot more!

We were at Chandni Chowk while three among us decided to visit the temple. Now since the temple was located at quite a distance from where we were at, we were told that it would be best for us to take the metro. And luckily for us – the metro station was within walking distance. As we headed out to the station, we came across a store that sold airguns, and one of my friends – a so called impulsive shopper, bought a pistol, and along with it, some four-hundred pellets! He put it in his haversack, and we got going.

A few minutes later, after a splendid metro ride – we were at the temple. And yeah, between the time we got in the metro and got out of it, we played a little prank on the other group of guys, who stayed back at Chandni Chowk. But soon, we were to figure that we were going to have buns on our own faces instead!

Anyway, at the entrance of the temple complex, there was a security check and we had to walk through a metal detector. And when this guy with the gun walked through, well, the machine screamed out so loud, that you would think someone had grabbed the machine by its – um, you know what!

Quite obviously, he was asked to open up his pack. So were we, but I think the guards were more interested in what he was carrying in there! This is where things started getting – entertaining, if you can call it that! My friend was a little hesitant in showing the contents to them, which only made them more suspicious! Soon enough, they saw the pistol – with its metal barrel, and a solid wooden handle! And yeah, the four-hundred rounds of pellets too!

In no time, the guards from the other places too centred on us, like we were Santa Claus and were giving away presents! With the guards not understanding English, and us, totally sucking at Hindi, it was a little troubling to explain to them that it was only a toy! Well, I was not too sure if you can call it a toy – but we had to try it anyway! We tried telling them we just purchased it on our way to this place, but we could not prove it to them, as this wise-guy had not asked for the invoice!

The guards did not buy our version of the story, and got us across the road to a police check-post. The drama continued there, only this time, it was the Delhi police instead of the temple security! And nope, they were not very convinced with what we were saying either.

Finally, my friend decided to end the circus, and asked the cop if he could demonstrate the gun. The cop answered in the affirmative, and so this guy took a pellet and loaded it in. So now that the gun was loaded, there was only one more thing left to do – fire!

The next thing this guy said to the cop must most definitely be among the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to a cop!

Impulsive Shopper: Can I fire the gun now?

You should have seen the look on the cop! I mean, he must have been wondering if he is going to witness a shootout at his check-post, and that too, after he himself, having given his approval for it! We noticed another cop come by, and I think he flipped the safety switch on his semi-automatic rifle to the armed position!

Good sense prevailed though, and my friend handed the gun to the cop, and asked him to fire it instead! The cop agreed to the idea immediately, and took the gun. I do not know why, but he unloaded it, and loaded it once over. Then he aimed the gun at a tree, some three feet in front of him. The people around us moved a few steps back, covered their ears with their palms, and began to squint their eyes! And then the cop pulled the trigger!

Bang!

It was a comedy of sorts – the pellet, of course, was thrown out the barrel, hit the tree, bounced back, and fell down! Everyone was smiling, but for one guy – the one who purchased the gun! There was a collective roar from everybody saying that it was not real! Ironically, that is what we had been trying to say since we arrived! The other cop switched his rifle to the safe position, and was flaunting it at us!

The cop who fired the gun, now had a grin on his face and started enquiring about how much it cost us, and told us how he found it unreasonably expensive for the displayed performance! My friend, who was going through this entire trauma, was visibly disappointed at learning the fact that the gun he bought had a shooting range of some three feet!

The temple guards still did not want the responsibility of having the gun deposited in their lockers, so it was agreed that we deposit it with the cops, and then enter the temple, and pick it back on our way out. We handed the gun to the cops and we entered the temple!

That is another story all together, and I should probably save it for another post!

PS: The aforementioned prank we played on our friends involved convincing them that this dude was busted at the metro station, when they security there found him carrying a gun. Sadly the joke turned back on us, when he did get busted, just when we told them it was only a prank!

And oh, the gun only fired three feet as it was not loaded correctly. Somehow, I think we were lucky the cop failed to load it correctly!

How to make an American!

There are a few things that you remember, irrespective of how long it has been since it actually happened. This post is about one such thing.

Back when I was still studying, there was this girl in class. Her dad was a Bengali, and her mum was a Kannadiga. Thinking about it, I cannot recall how we got to know that information, or how it mattered to any one of us anyway! But in any case, that information led to one hell of a laugh back then, and of course, this post too!

Coming back to this girl – well, she spoke in an accent that would probably give a complex to an American himself! You get the gist, right?

One day in class, she happened to ask me something, and I think her fake accent, kind of, irritated my friend sitting beside me more than it did usually. As I turned to look forward he told me this:

He: I did not know that when you cross a Bengali with a Kannadiga, you end up having an American!

Happy Birthday!

Have you guys noticed that when you are someplace celebrating a birthday and start singing, a bunch of people who have no business whatsoever come along and join you in singing?

Now, check out this picture.

If you are wondering why I put a picture of teddy in the blog – well, believe it or not, but this was the candle my friends put up on my birthday cake this year! And considering the fact that last year the candle on the cake said ‘3’, I think this is an improvement!

In case you are wondering why there is no cake in the picture – I am getting right to that!

This anyway is not about the candle, but the cake. Rather, what gets written on the cake! (Come to think of it – it is not about that either!) I do not know if people actually write anything decent on cakes anymore. I mean, it is almost shocking to see a cake with just a name or a nickname these days! Quite frankly, I can not remember the last time when the guy whom I asked to write the stuff on the cake has not looked back at me in absolute disbelief! And I suppose it is true with the other guys, who I would like to call a gang too!

Okay, I guess I hang out with a bunch of people who may be a little more twisted than the rest of you guys – but you know what? They are a lot of fun!

Coming back to my birthday cake and the celebrations - we guys were out at a restaurant and the finale was the presentation of the birthday cake. Now as these guys started singing, the waiters too, joined in. Of course, they had no idea what my name was and they thought they could pull it off by reading my name written on the cake!

Big mistake! Anyway, they started singing -

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear – what the?!

Oh, you should have been there to see the look on their faces! And nope, I am not going to say what was written on it!

Absinthe

Is it not wonderful to celebrate life for no reason at all? Last night, we guys did just that – celebrate for no reason at all!

Actually what happened was this friend had gotten the place to himself, as his parents were out of town. So he made sure he got the best of it by inviting us over! Now coincidentally, another friend had just gotten back from across the seas, and as a tradition as it has become now – brought back a bottle of some fine liquor! This time is was Absinthe, and just so that you know - 68% of its volume was alcohol!

What is the big deal you ask? You see, a guy who initially told that he would not be joining us for the evening, reached the place within five minutes of learning that there was going to be a bottle of Absinthe involved in the celebrations! And he did this without telling his wife, and leaving her behind at home – alone! (In case you happen to be that wife – this never happened, and I just made it up!)

Anyway, among us there was this guy – who after downing a glass of the drink thought he could gulp another shot of it – without diluting it! And that led to this conversation.

Me: Dude, after you do that if I look through your mouth – I would probably be able see all the way to your asshole!

Another guy: Yeah, and I could tell you the colour of your underwear looking through your mouth!

PS: The drink turned out to be such a flop! I guess I could finish a cup of tea quicker than these guys took to finish a drink! On a personal note, I think it would make a very good mouthwash – just gargle it around your mouth and spit it out!

Broken? No, it’s cracked!

Of late, a lot of the conversations I have had with my friends have been revolving around the Bullet and quite frankly, I have nothing nice to say about that bike.

While most of them seem to believe that they are being a part of a cult or something by owning a Bullet, I just cannot seem to understand what exactly do these guys find in an over-rated, over-designed, underperforming and uncomfortable motorbike! And just so that you know – I am making that statement after having ridden a Bullet, and a brand new one at that. You know, my bum was resonating for a good thirty minutes even after I had gotten off that bike!

Anyway, that is my version of the comfort level of the bike, and I suppose it is just me! Here is an incident I want to share, about a friend who considered owning a Bullet as his ambition! You will kind of get an idea of what goes through these guys’ heads when they want a Bullet.

Now this guy had gone to check out a used Bullet with another friend and I met them once they got back.

Me: So, how was the bike?

Bullet Guy: Dude, it was awesome!

Other Guy: Dude, the chassis was broken!

Bullet Guy: It was not broken – it was just cracked!

Other Guy: The shocks were not working!

Bullet Guy: It was not like they were not working – it was just that they were stuck!

Other Guy: The bike did not even have a battery. The guy got one from another bike and got it started!

Bullet Guy: That is for safety so that no one would steal the bike!

Other Guy: Yeah, like anyone would even want to steal that bike!

So, you get it right?! Happy riding!

The lion and his balls!

Now that I have gotten your attention, I must ask you to ignore the title of this post for the time being!

Riding around on a motorcycle in Bangalore can get quite irritating at times, even for a person who generally enjoys riding. Most of the roads are usually overcrowded and one wastes a lot of time waiting at almost every traffic signal. So the experience of getting to hear your engine roar and enjoying the wind blowing your hair is few and far between.

Anyway, when I am riding solo I am usually listening to my favourite music and it helps me ignore the crazy traffic, and more importantly - the many morons who cut me off. And of course, if there is someone riding the pillion with you – you could be kept entertained by having weird conversations with them. But on days when you can not listen to music or be entertained by your pillion rider – you have to keep yourself amused by observing the things around you. I for instance, read stuff on hoardings, or bumper stickers, watch clouds, and of late – try to read shop names written in Kannada!

Okay, so you think this is boring? Have a look at what I spotted.

And oh – you so have to get in front of this lion to see what you are missing!

Colour Me Pink!

Have I ever told you how much I love the colour pink? Well, I love it more than I love kids!

Um, now that does not come up as a very good illustration. See, when it comes to kids – I just cannot stand them! But with pink, I certainly do not have anything against it – at least not when it is being used by a girl!

Pink is a girly colour! (So is peach, and lavender! And oh, until very recently, I did not even know that peach and lavender were actually colours.)

Now if you happened to disagree with whatever I said, here is a quick test for you – imagine if the background of this page were to be pink – would you not have thought that I must be a girl?!

Okay, now that I shut you up – let me get back to where I was going! I guess all you guys would agree with me that most girls look good in pink! So the obvious logical thing for everyone to do is just let the girls have it. Alas, we do not live in a very logical world, do we? Now picture this – I once saw a guy wearing a pink Kurt Cobain t-shirt! Should Kurt Cobain be glad he shot himself or what?!

Anyhow, in the last year or so, I have been bumping into so many guys (as in literally – guys!) who used to wear pink (and peach, and lavender) that I just could not help but tell them how girly it was. Initially, this stuff was just restricted to the guys, but eventually I started pointing this to the girls too. Soon enough, I was making a comment anytime I saw pink, anywhere. And trust me – I was annoying everyone with it! I had no idea back then that I would get it back some day!

So, I had mentioned elsewhere that I had changed my job a few months ago. Now the friends from work had thrown one hell of a farewell party for me. Had I known what was in store in that party, I would have chosen not to have the farewell and would have stayed back in the old job itself!

These guys had decorated the entire place with, mostly pink balloons and pink ribbons! And then some of the extra ribbons were stuck on to my shirt! Oh, I certainly will not get into the details of everything that transpired that evening, but I should tell you this – at one stage through the party, I was standing there wearing a very pink t-shirt, covered with a lot bling and holding on to a bunch of flowers! I guess I looked like a piñata that so needed to be whacked into oblivion!

I also received a little basket filled with an assortment of many girly things that night! Here is a partial list of the contents I found in the basket:

1. two pink lollipops.
2. one pink candy that looked like a lipstick.
3. one pink bubble blower.
4. one ZooZoo key-ring. (This did not have any pink, but there is a story behind it!)
5. one pink whistle.
6. one key-ring which had a pink elephant, wearing a flowery dress and bow!

What can I say – if I were a girl, I would have been the happiest girl in the whole wide world!

And yeah, one last thing – on their way out, they stuck some pink balloons on my bike!

I do not think I can have an evening as pink as that ever again! Anyway, at the end of it, I did promise the girls that I would not comment on any of the pink they wear from that day forward! And I must say – I have been fairly successful with my word!

PS: A friend had asked me to blog about this a while ago, but I never got around doing it. This post happened today because I spotted the pink elephant key-ring lying on my table!

Thank you guys, for that memorable evening!

Hey!

I was speaking with a friend earlier in the evening today, and she made me realise that I have a blog! In a way I was pleased to know that someone out there figured that I was not writing anything in my blog! What made it nicer is the fact that this girl considers reading as some sort of a punishment, and for her to actually visit this page to check if it is updated – well, it is truly flattering!

Anyway, I have been busy travelling lately and I barely do get any time to share the nonsense that I endure. And to be honest, the people I encounter have been a lot saner lately, so things have been a little dull in any case!

And yeah, if you are wondering as to where I have been travelling - I have been travelling from home to office and back! Yes, I call it travelling! And you know what? I honestly think that people can get from France to the United Kingdom in lesser time than it takes me to reach office from home, or to get back! And I was not referring to high speed train that connects Paris to London. Even if someone had to row a kayak across the English Channel, I am certain it would take them lesser time than what I endure daily!

Anyhow, I do not really have any particular thing that I want to say tonight and I just want to bitch! But I guess I should not. I am a little bored, stressed, pissed, sleepy – well, you get it, right?

This is just to remind that I am still here! I should be back with something not so lame next time!

I am getting married!

For all you morons who are getting ideas – you are going to be very disappointed!

I guess most of us know that when a girl meets another of her girl friends after an amazingly long time, the third person (unlucky enough) to be with them kind of gets redundant - and more so if you are a guy!

And that is exactly what happened with me this one day. A bunch of us had gone to visit a friend at her place. After a while, most of the guys left because something came up, and it so happened that I was stuck between these two girls. As expected, they started catching up on all the things they had missed, and it was almost like I was watching a Hindi show on the television!

At first, it was kind of interesting listening to them, but soon enough I got bored of it! I looked around her place to find something that could keep me occupied. Well, I spent some time looking for patterns on the wall painting, then for patterns in the floor and eventually I kept myself entertained by trying to focus on amoebas in my eye!

I do not really know how much time had passed before they realised I too was sitting amongst them. I think they figured by the very blank look on my face that I had no clue as to what was happening in that room! So, one of the girls got me to speed by saying:

Girl 1: She is getting married!

Me: Wow, Congratulations!

Girl 2: Thanks!

Anyway, the conversation continued and I was a little more active this time around - though I still kept wandering out of it every now and then, as I was so intrigued with these amoebas in my eye!

Anyhow, it was time to leave and I had to drop this soon to be married girl back to her place. Here is a part of the conversation that we had while getting back home:

Me: So, you are getting married, huh?

She: Yeah.

Me: How soon are you getting married?

She: It is not decided yet.

Me: Okay, so what is this guy doing?

She: Oh, the guy is not decided yet either!

Me: Huh?! You say you are getting married and you do not know when, or to whom!

She: It is like that at the moment!

Me: You know, most people who are getting married do know this part of the information!

She: Yeah, but it is just a plan as of now!

Me: Oh, in that case – I am getting married too!

Medley

I initially started off this post with an intention of writing about some seriously crappy intellectual stuff, but then I just could not get the thoughts from that brain-dead head of mine, into words! (God bless me for that!) Now that I have lost the topic, I guess I should do the next best thing – list down little stupid things that have happened eons ago!

Scene I

The guy, (I’ll just call him D) who used to teach me to play the guitar, has got one amazing place! It is more like a clubhouse, than a place – always bubbling with activity, and housing like a million people! I guess at times, D himself would not know as to who is in his house! Occasionally however, you do find it in peace too!

On one such quiet day when I went to class, a guy - whom I did not recognise, opened the door for me and I went upstairs to the room where we usually practise. There were three other guys, apart from D, in that room. D was kind of surprised that I managed to get in there and asked:

D: Hey! Who opened the door for you?!

(See, I told you he does not know who is in his house!)

Me: There was a guy downstairs.

D: Did he have short hair?

Me: Uh, I do not really know, but he had a goatee!

The moment I said that, everyone dropped their guitars and stared at me like I said something stupid!

It was then I realised that everyone in that room, me included, had a goatee!

Indeed, it was very stupid!

Scene II

We guys had been to Delhi in November last year, and we found that most auto-rickshaw guys demanded more cash, and refused to travel for the metered fare. Obviously irritated with this fact, I asked one of the guys:

(Excuse my Hindi, please!)

Me: Aap yeh meter show ke liye laga raka hai kya? Meter pe kyu nahi chalata hai?

He: Doctor ne mana kiya hai!

I had to shut up, thanks to my friends, who were laughing at me like totally drunk nincompoops, who have been inhaling nitrous oxide all their lives!

Scene III

This one day, I got back home from office and there was a power cut. I was home alone, and had absolutely nothing useful that I could do. So I took my dogs, Dog and Phoebie to the terrace and I played with them, till they were too bored to continue playing with me! (In case you do not know yet, I have named my dog as Dog!)

So I came back downstairs and opened up a bottle of Sprite. It then occurred to me that I could kill some time by giving generous amounts of Sprite to my dogs, and then watch them burp! Ha, am I good or what?! Phoebie, unfortunately, did not seem to want any of it, so Dog got to have her share too!

You know, I waited by Dog for so long to watch him burp. In fact, I sat by him, even after the power came back! He was just staring back at me, probably wondering if I needed some help or something! I got up only after my mum came home and chased me out from Dog’s place!

Damn! What a waste of time!

Were they that bad?!

This is something that happened a very long time ago. I met up with two of my friends – let me just call them – Rock Fan and Musically Challenged! Obviously, Rock Fan is exactly that and he has a great taste in rich music; and Musically Challenged is the one who thinks that Punjabi pop is like the best thing ever to have happened to humankind!

Now, Rock Fan had just been to the Iron Maiden concert only the previous day, and quite understandably – was still high from his experience! He so had to share his experience with anyone and everyone whom he came across. However, I think he should have known better than to share it with Musically Challenged!

RF: You know, the way the concert started was amazing! All the lights went out – and the stage was pitch-dark! Just seconds later the lights came back on, and these guys were in the middle of the stage! And then they started playing! I had tears in my eyes, man!

You should have been there to feel the emotions he shared it with! He had goose-bumps just explaining all this to us! Musically Challenged seemed least bit interested, and he simply asked him this:

MC: Why, were they that bad?!

I think RF had tears in his eyes once again!

Sharks & Dirty Underwear!

Warning: You may find this post a little dirty!

The other day I was at the office loo, while I heard this conversation between these two guys – who also happen to be my friends.

Guy 1: Remember the day at your place when I pulled down your pants?! I got to see your underwear!

Guy 2: Oh yeah!

Guy 1: Man, your underwear had so many holes!

Guy 2: I know. And I am wearing the same underwear today!

Guy 1: I guess you can use your underwear as a fishing net!

Guy 2: Hey, I think it is a little too much!

Guy 1: And the holes are so big, I am sure that even a shark could swim through one of it!

--

Sticking on with underwear, I am reminded of another story shared by a friend, V. Now V used to earlier live with his friend, S – and the place they stayed only had a single bathroom.

S, apparently, was constantly annoyed with V for spending so much time inside the bathroom every morning. On one fine day he decided to confront V, as he stepped out of the bathroom.

S: What do you do inside the bathroom for so long? You only have to take a bath!

V: Yeah, but I wash my underwear after my bath. So that takes some time.

S: Do you mean to say you wash your underwear everyday?!

V: Yeah, of course! Why, do you not wash them daily?!

S: No!

V: But why?!

S: Since they are worn on the inside, they can not get dirty, right?!

I guess this was the reason why they chose to live separately!

PS: I guess this would probably be the last of my posts on weird things that happen in office! I really doubt if I can find a gang as notorious as the one I hung out with!

Change

I have been delaying this for far too long now and I am beginning to wonder if there is any sanity in writing it at the moment. I did make an effort earlier to pen down some stuff, but I was too emotional to keep it going!

Irrespective of the fact that a lot many people keep telling you about how change is required for progress and all that crap, you have to accept that at the end of the day – change does suck, and it sucks big time!

To top it all – I feel like a hypocrite here because, at one time, I used to lecture people about accepting the change, adapting to it, and moving along; and I am stuck here pondering, and refusing to acknowledge the change!

Well, I quit my job last week – after having worked there for six long years. And it was my first job too. I still remember how excited I was back in college when I got this job. I had thought I would never leave the place until my retirement!

But I suppose time changes everything!

Balls to time, and balls to change!

To leave was definitely the most difficult decision I have ever had to take yet, and I certainly know that I have decided right. The only aftermath of this is the very crappy feeling that I have – which is even worse than having gone through a break-up!

Of all the things that I miss – it is the amazing friends I had made there that I miss the most! The many tea-breaks, post-breakfast breaks, the extended lunch-breaks, the intellectual talks in second-shifts, the philosophical talks in first-shifts, the talks by the water-cooler, the pink jokes, the bubble wraps, the never ending brainstorming sessions, the mechanism classes, the conference calls, the morning meetings, the things I can not write here and all the little things I had taken for granted – they seem so precious to me now!

I have been extremely lucky to have gotten a chance to work with such a wonderful bunch of people! This one is for each and every one of you who made it so memorable! I miss you guys, and I love you all! Thank you for the memories!

PS: I hope this crappy feeling goes away when I receive a fat pay this month end!

IT Bugger!

The trouble with this entire information security guarantee that my office promises to our clients – is that we guys have very limited rights to our own work-stations. For example, we can not even delete files saved by somebody else in our own computer! I mean, is this fair?!

Anyway, we had to attend this training program in office once, and the trainer guy wanted to copy some files to the computer. Now I suppose you guys can figure that the external drives are all disabled on our computers – so there is no way you can either copy crap into the computer, nor take any out of it. The only thing to do during times like these is to call the IT guy.

So, one of the guys took the pen drive from the trainer and said:

Guy 1: I will go meet the IT bugger and get them copied to this computer!

Now the training room we were seated at is separated from the office area by something that can be called as a lobby. A lot of guys stand around and chat in this place during the tea breaks, and what do you know – it was time for a tea break then.

Anyhow, it should have normally taken this guy like, under two minutes, to find the IT guy and have the stuff copied. But it was well over ten minutes since he had left the room, and we had no clue what he was up to. So a friend and I decided to step out and find out what was taking him so long.

As we stepped out, we found this guy, chit-chatting among a bunch of other guys in the lobby. Looking at this, my friend got a little annoyed and asked:

Guy 2: Were you not supposed to find the IT bugger?!

Poor guy had simply failed to notice that the IT guy was sitting right beside him!

IT Bugger: The IT bugger is sitting right here! You come to me next time when you have trouble, and I will take care of you then!

The look on his face – ah, it was like he had let a loud one go in the middle of a conference!

Finally – the F word!

Warning: There is a dirty word used in this post!

Although I swear so much while talking, I have managed not to use a single swearword in my blog! Well, to be honest, it is just that I have been using milder forms of the curses in most cases, as the word in itself was not very critical to the topic. However, today is another day!

I am sure nearly all of us do use a few words, unnecessarily, in our everyday speech. Though most conversations could seamlessly flow without the use of any of these words, I feel that they just add a little bit of character, or flavour – if you can call it that!

Here are a few examples:

Who do you think you are – Neil freaking Armstrong?!

or

Oh yeah, I forgot you are freaking Albert Einstein!

See, you get the gist, right? It is just colloquial.

Now enough with the education, and let me come to the point. Though each one of us are assigned our work-stations at office and are expected to use only that machine, there are times when some of us need to switch, or use more than one machine. On one such day, I had let a friend use my computer to finish his work.

After a while, I figured I should remind him of my magnanimous gesture – and get something from him as compensation! While he failed to realise my sacrifice, I decided to show him who was the boss around there!

Me: Get off my computer, dude!

He: I do not see your name written here, mister!

Me: Oh really?! Are you fucking Ashwin Wilson?!

Okay, I figured out instantly that I was not going to like the answer to the question that I had just asked! And I guess he could not have done any better to shut me up!

He: No, but I would love to!!

Misplaced Patriotism, Balls, & A Near Death Experience!

Now that the football world cup has begun, pretty much everyone is talking about football. Staying on the same pitch, here is a conversation that I heard on the subject, between a couple of guys at work.

Guy 1: World cup has finally begun!

Guy 2: Yeah!

Guy 1: So, whom are you supporting?

Guy 2: No matter what happens, I am always going to support India!

--

There is this guy in office – who at one time carried three mobile phones, and five SIM cards! At most times his conversations on the telephone involved expressing his displeasure about the services provided by the operator. Many of us tried to drive some sense into his head about why he did not require three phones. And here is my contribution:

Dude, you are carrying more cell phones than the number of balls you have got! Do you really require that many?

From the next day, he had as many phones as balls!

PS: In case you are wondering if he got himself an extra ball – I like the way you are thinking!

--

I had written this a few months ago, and I have no idea why I did not post it back then. I had gone to visit a friend, and upon entering his place he told me this.

He: You know what? I had a near death experience!

Me: What happened?

He: I was waiting by Gate 11 at the stadium at 5:00 in the evening last week. And yesterday, there was an explosion at Gate 10, at just about the same time!

Did you find the ball?!

A few days ago, K and I went to meet another friend, S, at his place. The three of us were standing out and chatting in his balcony, while we noticed a bunch of kids playing cricket by the railway line. This kind of reminded us about the days we guys used to play cricket as kids. Back then, playing in confined spaces, we had so many stupid rules, that it was a truly a miracle if any of us could ever score double figures!

Anyway, there were thick bushes growing besides the tracks, and these guys hit the ball into them every now and then. And each time, these kids ran fearlessly into the bushes – which towered over them, to fetch the ball.

Perhaps it was while looking at this, my friend, K, was reminded of an incident that occurred while he was playing a game of cricket.

K: I remember once I was playing cricket with M, and that guy hit the ball into the bushes. I went in search of the ball, and I found a dead body lying there!

S: Oh! But did you find the ball?!

Tea

You know what? I hate tea so much – that I could actually puke just by smelling it! I am dead serious here. I detest sitting in the office pantry, because it smells like tea! (Okay, they play like really crappy music too, but the smell still wins out – hands down!) I sometimes wonder how people can actually drink so much tea. And here is another thought – I wonder why people consider honey as sweet. Honey, is anything but sweet! It is disgusting! And yeah, I could never call my girlfriend as honey! Unless, I find her disgusting that is! Okay, let me stop wandering and get back to tea.

Now, irrespective of the fact that I hate tea so much, I still do drink a cup of it every morning! Um, provided I am at home that is. Well, that is because I think only my mum is capable of making tea that would not want me to throw up when I drink it! No offence meant here to anyone, or their mothers! It is just me! It really is! (It always is!)

Anyhow, there are these few (very, very few!) days when I do not like the tea my mum has made. On one such morning, I so had to let her know about it.

Me: Ma!

Mum: Yeah?

Me: What is wrong with this tea?

Mum: What is wrong with it?

Me: It tastes like I am chewing on tea leaves!

Mum: It is tea! What do you suppose it should taste like?!

Me: Argh!

Well people, I really do not know how to explain this. Never mind! I need some sleep! Good night!

Blood Donation

A few days ago, I was walking up to my seat in office while I noticed this girl sitting at her place with a stole wrapped around her. I began to wonder why would someone wrap a stole in the middle of summer, and I thought of enquiring. As I got closer, I noticed she looked a little pale too.

Me: What happened? You do not look well.

She: Yeah, I am feeling a little cold. I had to give blood this morning.

On a regular day, I would have teased her, but I thought if someone has had to donate blood this early in the morning, there must have been something serious.

Me: Oh?

She: And I am fasting too.

Me: And why exactly are you doing that? Are you not supposed to eat something immediately after you donate blood?

She: No, I had to be fasting for the blood test.

Me: You mean you had to give blood for a blood test?!

She: Yeah.

Me: And you are feeling cold because of that?

She: But they took a lot of blood!

Me: Yeah, right!

PS: I have wanted to do this for quite sometime now, but I never seem to have had the time for it. But I guess all the waiting has been worth it, because I get to post this on her birthday.

Happy Birthday, Mother India! I hope I get more things to write about you!

100 Things

Pratik tagged me on this and incidentally, this happens to be my first one.

And to be honest, this is my second attempt to complete it! I started with it like a couple of days ago, but could manage answering some sixty odd questions. Let me see if I can make it till the end. Here I go – again!

1. Last beverage: Water

2. Last phone call: I wish it never came – My friend’s (very irritating) girlfriend bitching about him - again!

3. Last text message: Sent it to a friend asking her to come out and watch the rain!

4. Last song you listened to: 21 Guns – Greenday. (PS: I can play that song on my guitar, though not on the right key!)

5. Last time you cried: March 7, 2009.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: Duh!

7. Been cheated on: I do not think so. Rather, I choose not to think so!

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Not yet!

9. Lost someone special: Lost, and found them too!

10. Been depressed: Of course! I am depressed most of the time!

11. Been drunk and threw up: No, I usually throw up without being drunk!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Blue.

13. Black.

14. White.

THIS YEAR (2010) HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Of course. And a few more enemies!

16. Fallen out of love: Um, fallen into love, actually!

17. Laughed until you cried: More than once!

18. Met someone who changed you: Now why would someone want to change me?!

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah whatever.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh yes. There are a bunch of girls in office who are planning something really wicked!

21. Kissed anyone on your friend list: Did you know that there could be 100 trillion tonnes of bacteria living beneath our feet in what are known as subsurface litho-autotrophic microbial ecosystems?! Awesome, no?!

22. How many people on your friend list do you know in real life: Most of them.

23. How many kids do you want to have: Why would I want to have kids?! I hate them!

24. Do you have any pets: Actually, my pets have me!

25. Do you want to change your name: I guess not. But I am sure that my dog, ‘Dog’ does!

26. What did you do for your last birthday: Washed a lot of cake off my face!

27. What time did you wake up today: 0610.

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: I was out helping the Power-puff girls save the world!

29. Name something you cannot wait for: To see my friend in her new black dress! (PS: I hope you are reading this!)

30. Last time you saw your mother: A little while ago – while she asked me to shut off the computer and go to sleep!

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Just one?! Um, in that case I guess it has to be – everything!

32. What are you listening to right now: Wheels – Foo Fighters.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah I did. But he did not talk back.

34. What is getting on your nerves right now: My friend’s (very irritating) girlfriend bitching about him – again!

35. Most visited webpage: http://1headlight.blogspot.com/

36. What is your real name: I could tell you – but then I would have to kill you!

37. Nicknames: Gubé. (To be pronounced as Gu-bay)

39. Zodiac sign: Libra.

40. Male or female or transgender: Man, this one is difficult!

41. Primary school: I am self taught!

42. High School: I was never meant to get this far!

43. College: Read point 42!

44. Hair colour: Black. But a few guys are turning grey!

45. Long or short: Medium – as the barber says!

46: Height: I am tall.

47: Do you have a crush on someone: More than a crush!

48: What do you like about yourself: Absolutely nothing!

49. Piercing: Zilch!

50. Tattoos: Naught!

51. Righty or lefty: Righty.

FIRSTS:

52. First surgery: I could do my first one on you today, if you want me to!

53. First piercing: I can do that for you, after you survive the surgery!

54. First best friend: Honestly, I do not remember!

55. First vacation: It was only last week! Can you believe it?!

56. First crush: It was a long time ago.

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: I am on a diet!

60. Drinking: Water.

61. Doing: Finishing this tag.

62. Listening to: Use Somebody – Kings of Leon.

63. Waiting for: My friend to wear her new black dress!

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids: Nope! And I am sure they do not want me either!

65. Get married: Um, I am not too sure actually. I could consider in case she does not want to have kids!

66. Careers in mind: Can I be Superman?

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes: Is this like a trick question? I mean, if you have bad eyes, then you would not be able to see good lips. And if you have good eyes, it would still hurt you to see bad lips! So either ways – you are screwed!

68. Hugs or kisses: Right now, I could use a hug!

69. Shorter or taller: What exactly are we talking about here?

71. Romantic or spontaneous: A little bit of both.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: I wish there were more choices!

73. Sensitive or loud: As long as it is not rock music, I do not want it loud!

74. Hook-up or relationship: A hook-up that ends in a relationship!

75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Definitely a trouble maker!

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger: Nope, but I have been kissed by a stranger!

77. Drank hard liquor: Nope.

78. Lost glasses/ contacts: Nope, but I have damaged my glasses so many times that it would have been better instead if I had just lost them!

79. Sex on first date: Nope.

80. Broken someone's heart: I suppose.

81. Had your own heart broken: Yup.

82. Been arrested: Almost! And that too twice!

83. Turned someone down: What is this - a guilt trip?

84. Cried when someone died: Yeah.

85. Liked a friend who is a girl: I am straight. So what do you expect?!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: Yes – because nobody else does!

87. Miracles: Only if it comes with an action replay!

88. Love at first sight: Totally!

89. Heaven: Yeah, it is above the clouds, right?!

90. Santa Claus: Yeah. I once lit him when he was getting down the chimney! Poor guy, I have not seen him since!

91. Kiss on the first date: Why not?!

92. Angels: I have seen some!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Is there one person you want to be with right now: Yeah. And I guess I could be with them for ever too!

94. Had more than one boyfriend/ girlfriend at one time: Are you crazy?! One is sufficient to cause more than the amount of trouble you can handle! And besides, I prefer being faithful!

95. Did you sing today: One, twenty one guns; throw up your arms into the sky!

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: November 9, 2004.

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be: February 8, 2009.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love: No, it is the falling out of love that scares me!

100. Posting this as 100 truths: I do not lie, okay?!

Tada!

So finally, I am done with this! And it was kind of fun! I suppose I have got to tag a few people now – so I tag Prakrati and UK, though I am in doubt if either of them would ever take it up!

Summer Vacation

I was speaking with a friend earlier in the evening, and I realised that I used to blog once upon a time! And now that I am here again, I am not really sure on what I want to write.

Well, I have been riding my bike a lot lately, so it is only apt that I write something about riding. Now this is something that happened a real long time ago. I still can not understand how I remember such mundane nonsense!

Anyway, I was once riding pillion with this friend. Now all of a sudden, it came to his realisation that hauling my ass on his bike, kind of, reduces the mileage he would get! And he wished to share that thought with me.

He: You know what?

Me: What?

He: I am going to get the rear seat removed off my bike.

Me: And why exactly would you want to do that?

He: So that I do not have to carry your sorry-ass all over! And then I would get a better mileage!

Me: Oh please! Look at you – For all you know, you probably shit more than how much I weigh! And you are bothered about me denting your mileage?!

Hair Care!

Yesterday while we guys were out, someone asked me how come I have not written anything about this friend of mine – who used to irritate me a lot! Okay, she still does irritate me, but not as much! Actually speaking – she does, but I guess I have just gotten used to her doing that now!

Anyway, it was only a day before I was talking about an incident involving this very friend to another friend, and I suppose this is going to be the first of many posts on my new subject. So here goes!

I am not too sure, but egg, supposedly, is a very good conditioner for your hair. Or is it just the egg white? Who cares?! In any case, it really is not very important now. One fine day, this girl had just washed her hair with egg (or white, or whatever), and was bragging about how soft her hair had become. I mean she went around the house asking each one present there to feel her hair and tell her how soft it had become!

After a while, another friend, kind of got a little annoyed with her and he told her this:

He: Why don’t you put your head in the frying pan and make me an omelette?!

The look on her face was absolutely priceless!

PS: That is because it was the very first time I saw her with her mouth shut!

How a jet engine works

Yeah, you read it right! The title does read ‘How a jet engine works’.

If you are wondering as to why on earth I would want to talk about the working of a jet engine – you are going to be very surprised! The best part is – it would take you less than two minutes to figure out the process and chances are you would never ever forget the working principle! So enough with the nonsense, and let us just get to it!

Um before I get into it, there is something else I have to say. Actually, this was brought to my notice by this friend – who is capable of twisting absolutely anything he comes across, into a something that sounds dirty! Here is an example:

He: Ashwin, do you know what a cockpit is?

Okay, you have to know this too – When he asks you a question, he does not expect you to answer him. He just wants you to ask him whatever the crap it means! So, I do the same!

Me: What?

He: A cockpit is a pit for keeping the cocks!

If you were to notice the grin on his face, you would be dead certain that the ‘cock’ he was referring to is not an adult male chicken! So, you get the gist, right?! If you did not get it – well, either you are too damn innocent, or just plain dumb! Personally, I would put my money on the latter!

Anyhow, I guess it is about time I get back to the point! Here is a picture which explains the stages. Do click on it to see the enlarged image!

Now, did you ever happen to think that the jet engine was having so much fun?!

Sometimes

Sometimes, speaking the truth is not necessarily the best option.

Sometimes, it is better to say nothing, than say anything at all.

Sometimes, people do not really want to hear the truth – no matter how much they insist that they do.

Sometimes, the people whom you trust the most – are the very ones who bring you the greatest sorrow.

Sometimes, you realise that things are a lot different from what they used to be.

Sometimes, you are forced to do things that you do not necessarily like.

Sometimes, you say things that you do not really mean.

Sometimes, you question the existence of God.

Sometimes, you do not see the things that are right in front of you.

Sometimes, you need to break the rules you have set for yourself.

Sometimes, you realise that it is best for you to let go.

Sometimes, you are wrong even when you are right.

Sometimes, you loose friends.

Sometimes, it is okay for you to cry.

Sometimes, people lie.

Sometimes, you screw up.

Sometimes, you write crap like this when you have nothing else to write about!

Misinterpretations

Is it not funny, how a few words could be misinterpreted and cause a lot of embarrassment?

There are these days when we guys talk about absolute trivial crap, just for the heck of it. On one such day, a friend and I were having such a conversation.

He: Your shirt is not pressed properly.

Me: Yeah dude, but who cares?

He: Maybe you should give it to your babe. And then she would press it for you!

Me: Yeah right! She has her ways to get things done; so she would probably give them to you – and then she would get them pressed by you!

Another friend came by, just as I was saying that crap. Unfortunately for me, he had no idea we were talking about pressing shirts! His jaws just dropped and he looked at me in immense astonishment!

He: Ashwin, how disgusting!

Keep Walking!

After I read about this guy who rode his bicycle from Manali to Leh, I have been thinking of doing it myself!

It seemed a little too farfetched initially, but then after some serious consideration, I figured I could do it! And now that I have picked up a motorcycle which can take up the abuse of the ride in the mountains, I thought I must make it to the Himalayas on it, rather than on my bicycle! And to have a friend ask me if I want to join him on a ride to the Himalayas - it so made my day!

Anyway, I rode about twenty odd kilometres on my bicycle this evening, and it felt great! So once I got back home, I was wondering if I need to make it to the Himalayas on my bicycle first, instead of the motorbike. Ah, tough decision!

Well, I logged into IM later, and was chatting with a friend. And somehow this topic came up. Here is what followed. (Of course, the stuff is edited to make it easier for you to read, and also the non-essentials are left out!)

Me: I am thinking may be I should cycle to Ladakh!

She: Yes, you told me that.

Me: The earlier plan was to take the motorbike, but now I think I should do it on the bicycle.

Okay, there was a lot of nonsense that was discussed after this, and at the end of the confusion we resumed with the topic.

She: So what are the other ideas?

Me: Well, I think I should do it on the motorbike first, and then perhaps, try it on the bicycle. What do you say?

She: Yes. And then – try walking! Go ahead! Perfect idea!

Right Behind You!

I was reading some stuff a little earlier which, kind of, reminded me about my college days. We had this lecturer guy, who taught us some stuff. No wait – he actually did not teach us any stuff! Bugger! (Let me call him as Bugger in this post, just to protect his identity!) He always used to come late to class, make us debate on things that were not a part of our syllabus, and leave the class even before it was time to leave! But you know what? All of us loved him for that!

Anyway, this one day I was headed to class with a friend, and we were running a little late. We got to the elevator, and as usual, there were quite a few people waiting for it. And here is the conversation that followed between us.

Me: Oh crap, we are late!

He: Yeah, we are.

Me: Who is supposed to be taking class for us now?

He: Bugger.

Me: Oh crap! It is going to be horrible!

We somehow managed to get into the elevator when it arrived – although there were far more people ahead of us, than the elevator would hold! (Indian instincts, you see!) Few others got in, and we got going.

Me: Hey, how about we push this carpet into the door, so that the door does not close?!

At this stage, my friend suddenly stopped responding to me, and started acting a little funny!

He: Shh!

Me: What the crap is wrong with you?

He did not answer anything, but instead, it looked like he was trying very hard to step on my feet! On asking him again, he wanted to get away from me! Also, he was moving around his eyes too! All in all, it looked like he was in the middle of a Bharatanatyam step! I have no idea what happened to him all of a sudden. I mean – even I was breathing the same air, you know!

Anyhow, we got to the floor we had to get off, and so stepped out of the elevator.

Me: I bet you a hundred bucks – Bugger would still not have come to class!

He: Yeah you are right – he is not in class!

Me: And how are you so sure?!

He: He took the lift along with us, and now – he is right behind you!

Outsourced

A few days ago in office, a bunch of us were trying to figure out as to why would someone operating in Brazil would want to outsource his work to us in India. When you look at it, the cost of labour in Brazil is not all that high. So why would they still want to outsource?

It was while thinking about this, I was reminded about an incident where I met a Brazilian couple.

A friend and I had been to Verona a long time ago. We were to meet another friend there, before we could go about roaming around the city. As planned, we met him at the train station at Verona, and we guys proceeded to the tourist information office at that place. The lady at the counter gave us an itinerary – and we were to start off by visiting the arena. Now this lady asked us to board bus number 33, which would arrive at platform ‘A’, right outside the train station.

We guys promptly went to platform ‘A’, as instructed. After a few minutes of waiting, we spotted a bus numbered 33 arrive – only, instead of stopping at platform ‘A’, it stopped at platform ‘C’!

We were like, “what the crap?!”

We were certain that the lady said platform ‘A’. Then why did bus stop at platform ‘C’?

We had no time to think for answers! In under a second the three of us were running across platforms to get into that god-dammed bus number 33! (After all, we are Indians, you see!) Looking at us run, a few other tourists followed us. (And nope, they were not Indians!) Anyhow, we got into the bus and it got going.

After cursing that lady at the counter, we enquired about how much time it would take us to get to the arena. Thanks to all the Italians and their inability to understand English, it took us a good fifteen minutes to figure that the bus was not even headed to the arena! Not just that, the bus was headed to a place in the exact opposite direction to arena!

More curses!

It was at this time that a couple who followed us into the bus realised that they were screwed too! They too were headed to the arena, and were asked to wait at platform ‘A’, but they thought that following us would get them to their destination quicker! Anyway, for the moment, we had to find out a way to get out of this mess! We tried to speak with the bus driver, but unfortunately for us, he spoke little English!

Looking at our predicament, a lady in the bus offered to help us out. She explained to us that the bus made two separate loops, intersecting at the train station. We were to get take the bus at platform ‘A’ to go the arena, and from platform ‘C’ to go to some other place. We smart guys – took it from ‘C’!

So it meant that we just stayed in the bus, it would still get to the arena; but after going to this some place, and then coming back to the train station – at platform ‘A’! Looking at the brighter side, at least we get to see this ‘some other’ place before the arena!

Some more curses!

Now that we knew we would get to the arena in a while, we started a conversation with this couple. They were from Brazil, and had come to Italy on a vacation. Once they got to know that we guys were from India, they were all excited. They spoke about how India is doing good at outsourcing, computers, satellites and stuff! Their overall impression was that Indians are a smart bunch – and we guys did not let them figure out the truth!

Anyway, after all the drama, we were finally arrived at the arena and the bus driver signalled for us to get off. So it was time to bid adieu to our Brazilian friends and carry on!

Strangely, they did not get off the bus with us! They just stood there inside, waving us goodbye! We guys did tell them that they had to get down here, in case they wanted to go to the arena, but they just stood there – waving goodbye! And the funny thing is – they indeed wanted to go to the arena!

The bus driver got so annoyed at them, that he actually got off his seat, walked up to them, and almost pushed them out of the bus!

So there you go - you now know the reason why these Brazilian guys are outsourcing their work to us!