Will I Ever Learn?!

A friend of mine moved to Europe earlier this year. Our busy work schedule meant that we could not speak with each other for quite a while. But he did call me up a couple of weekends ago. He mentioned that he had intended to catch up with everyone from the gang that day. But by the time we were done speaking, he said he was going to take a nap, and that he would speak with the rest of the guys on some other day! Was that hint a little too subtle?!

Um, do you think I talk too much?!

Even though I do know the answer to that question quite well, I have asked it amidst many of my conversations. And the answer I had received, was always in the negative – until very recently that is!

I guess, my friend decided she had tolerated enough of my nonsense, and on this fine day told me – Ashwin, you talk way too much! And you never listen!

Um, here I was thinking I have a talking problem! Now I figure I have a listening problem too!

Now, to be honest, I do not think talking too much is much of a problem. It really is not. After all, talking burns a lot of energy and it helps me stay fit! Ah, here I am giving out fitness secrets – and that too for free! Um, I wonder if that was even a little bit convincing!

Anyhow, when I gave this entire thing a little thought, I figured that talking itself is not the problem. But talking without thinking – most certainly is! Do read on to find out what I mean.

--

A friend, who was seeing this guy for some time now, had recently decided to get married to him. But soon after, she was having second thoughts about it. Since I also happened to know the guy fairly well, she thought it would be wise to discuss this with me. After a rather long conversation, I made good progress in making her realise that her decision to marry him, indeed, was the right thing for her to do.

Towards the fag end of our conversation, she said:

She: Thank you, Ashwin. Talking to you, really helped.

Me: Keep the thanks in your pockets! After all, I would any day go with the devil I know, than the devil I do not!

She: And how exactly is that supposed to make me feel better?!

Me: Oh crap!

PS: You guys must know that she did end up marrying the guy!

--

A bunch of us had met up at a friend’s place. Amongst us, was this girl, who always seemed to have some weird question or the other in store for me. On this particular day, she wanted to know something about the t-shirt I was wearing.

She: Ashwin, are trying to impress girls by wearing this t-shirt, showing off your biceps?!

Me: Had I had cleavage, I would have shown it off by wearing a low neck t-shirt! But without it, I will have to do good with just this!

Surprised by the silence that followed, I glanced around the room and noticed that everyone looked dumbfounded. And everyone, including me, agreed that it was a disgusting thing for me to have said!

--

I was once out with a friend, and our conversation involved nonsense just like the other days. Somewhere along all this, we started talking about tattoos.

She: Ashwin, I want to get a tattoo.

Me: What are you going to get – a butterfly?

She: Ashwin!

Me: How about a flower?!

She: Just because I am a girl does not mean I should be getting a butterfly or a flower!

Me: Okay, then how about a dolphin?!

She: (More sternly, this time) Ashwin!

Me: Fine! How about you get a tattoo like Amitabh Bachchan in that movie that said – mera baap chor hein?!

Okay, I did get beaten up for this one!

--

There was this time I was pissed off with something and was swearing incessantly to vent out the frustration. A guy I had an acquaintance with, came by and told me this:

He: Ashwin, you are a gentleman. You should not be talking like this.

Me: You know what? I am an asshole, and when angry, I fart!

That guy did not talk to me much after that day!

--

There was this time when I was dropping a friend back to her place. She was riding pillion and perhaps, talking about all things girly. That perfectly explains why I was not paying any attention to what she was saying in the first place! Anyhow, in some time, she figured I was not listening to her.

She: Ashwin! Are you even listening to me?

Me: What were you saying?!

She: Thank goodness, we are not dating each other!

Me: Ah, never mind that! I do not date girls who are fatter than me, anyway!

Okay, that, by far, must be the stupidest thing I had ever said! I am lucky I was not murdered that day!

Go Fetch Yourself

Note: If you are one who would be easily offended, or cannot take a joke, I strongly suggest you do not continue reading beyond this line.

If you have known me long enough, you would very well know that I am not an overtly religious person. Um, even if you were to omit ‘overtly’ from the previous sentence, it would sound just about right! Actually, it would sound even more right that way! Anyhow, this post is not about my take on religion. So you might be wondering why I had to start it the way I have done. Well, all that trouble was to merely make a point that – in spite of my religious beliefs (or rather, the lack of it), there is this one story from the Holy Bible that fascinated me, and I still remember it (or at least, most of it), although I first heard it many years ago, in Sunday school.

The story goes like this – Jesus, after having fasted for some forty odd days, apparently, ran into Satan (or was it the devil?). Satan, being the bad guy, of course, tried to tempt Jesus into doing things, so as to prove that he was all that, that people were claiming that he was. But Jesus, being the son of God and all, refused to fall into the ploy Satan had set up, and asked him to take a flying, you know what; even though he knew very well that he could have done all that, and more, than what Satan had asked him to do!

To translate this to a real life situation – it is like telling somebody you would not slap them, just because you knew very well that you could slap them! Man, now how cool is that?! Jesus was my hero back then, and I wished I could grow up to be just like him! But alas, things got seriously messed up at some point in time, and here I am today.

So, if you were planning on asking me to slap you, and if I knew that I could slap you – then I probably would slap you! And that brings me to the actual point of taking time off from my schedule to write this post. Or maybe not; but I promise I will be there within the next couple of paragraphs! But first, here is a question that crossed my mind (very) recently.

What exactly is it that instigates somebody to go ahead and do something, that he otherwise had no intention, whatsoever, of doing in the first place – when challenged? Well, I guess I will start my quest to discover (or possibly, invent) the answer to this question in just a bit; but before that, I must come to the actual point of writing this post! Honest, this is really it!

Alcohol does different things to different people. Or rather, people behave quite differently after they consume alcohol, than they do otherwise. Some laugh, while others weep. Some talk more, while others shut up. Some fight, while others make up. Some get happy, while others sulk. Few, walk about in their undergarments, or buy jewellery, or get a tattoo, or get laid. And even fewer – take off their undergarments too! And last, but not the least – there are those who take their mothers to church!

Well, I am sure most of you guys can append that list with some of your own experiences, but I bet you would not have met somebody who actually gets way smarter than he is otherwise; when drunk! I am certain his intelligence quotient climbs up quite a few notches when he is high! (Pun intended!) Charles Darwin would surely have given up his work on Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection if he were ever to meet this dude! Um, I wonder if I should dedicate some time on this subject and get myself a doctorate in psychology! On second thoughts, nah; this post in itself was a total waste of time!

To part, if you have ever played with your pet dog in your garden, there would have been times when he would go about, find a stick, bring it to you and want you to throw it away – only to run behind it to fetch it for you. Somebody gave me that stick, and I threw it away.

Breaking Habits

For a very long time now, like most people I know, I used to make resolutions – without fail, as another year went by and a new one dawned. It is totally another story altogether that I hardly adhered to any of them; but it still did not deter me from making more resolutions for the coming year. Um, now I wonder why somebody ought to wait for the start of a new year to change their behaviour. I suppose it has become some kind of a fad to do it that way, and now most of us do it because our peers are doing it. And why are our peers doing it? Well, because their peers are doing it! After all, that is the same reason why we take up drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, right?!

Um, I realise I am diverging from what the post was supposed to be about; so I will leave it at it. Now, coming back to my resolutions – as far as I can remember, all of them, always included stuff that I intended to stop. These were not necessarily bad stuff, as such; but just weird stuff – like incessantly swearing! It is funny, actually, how you go about doing a certain something in a particular way, and it somehow, subconsciously, gets etched permanently in you; and ends up becoming a trait that defines you – some of which, you may at one time, decide to change.

In the recent past, I have learnt that life offers you situations to get rid of certain habits; and these, often, have a much higher success rate than trying to lose them through resolutions. Here is an anecdote that I would like to share. I almost always am listening to music while I am riding the motorcycle, or driving the car. Of course, that is not a habit I was planning on stopping, and I also know that it is not weird! But what certainly is weird, is that every time the player blasted out Show Me How To Live by Audioslave, I used to shift a gear down, open the throttle, or step on the pedal; and quickly get the tachometer needle hovering around the engine redline! Normalcy would return, some five minutes later, on completion of the song!

Lately, I have taken up bicycling (a little more seriously) and I ride about 50 kilometres a day on my MTB, during the weekend. And as you might have guessed, I listen to music, even while biking. There was this one day, when I had ridden well over 50 kilometres and was headed back home. I had just about started ascending an upslope (that stretches a little less than a couple of kilometres) and the music player switched to Show Me How To Live!

Um, I did start pedalling quicker to get myself going a little faster, but I knew I did not have the energy left to sustain it for another five minutes! Besides, shifting a gear down, in this case, would only make it worse for me! So I got pedalling at a more comfortable pace – reluctantly, convincing myself that I did not necessarily have to be moving very fast, while listening to that song! Well, that was how I broke the habit of over-speeding while listening to Show Me How To Live!

Speaking of breaking habits, I am also reminded of another incident, which I guess, can be included in the same post. There was this group of friends, whom I used to visit quite frequently. On one such visit, while using their loo to take a leak, I noticed that the bathroom door did not close completely. A quick investigation later, I figured the door had warped, and hit against the frame, preventing it from being closed. Honestly, I was not very comfortable peeing with the door ajar. Moreover, I thought it would be rude if I peed with an open door, and so, brought it to their notice.

Oddly enough, they seemed to know all about it and told me it was okay to use the loo, without closing the door completely! Um, so that solved a problem. However, a little risk still remained that somebody might (accidentally, of course), walk in to the loo while I was using it. So, I quickly devised a plan and suggested that the person using the loo would have to sing a song, as long as they were in there! That was to be our sign, to let us know that the loo was occupied; and in the process, would avoid any potential embarrassing situations in future! Pretty creative, huh?!

Anyhow, so this is how it went. From then on, each time while using their loo, I would close the door as much as it would, and then sing until I finish my business! Everything worked perfectly fine; that is, until the last time I visited them. As I swung the door to close it behind me, I heard the quick latch on the door snap into its place on the frame. Even before turning around, I already knew that the door had completely closed.

Crap!

Perhaps, they had gotten it fixed. But why would they want to do it? Why now, after we had a protocol set up, and followed it so rigorously?! This was not right. There was no way I was going to pee with a closed door! But I did want to pee! Argh, it was quite a dilemma, I tell you!

Anyway, after a little thought, I walked back to the door, kept it ajar, got back, and started singing a song! Some habits, are not meant to be broken!

Here is wishing you guys a fabulous year ahead!

Awakening

Life as we know it – is an imperfect vision of reality. I do not recall where I had read this, but at this moment, I cannot seem to agree more.

I had always believed that one among my strongest characteristics, was my ability to stay unattached to people. And if I were to look back, I can safely say that it has been quite essentially true. Now do not get me wrong – I would never say that I did not get close to the people I interacted with. I really did. But I was always practical enough to understand that – come one day, circumstances would make it imperative, that we go our own separate ways. And when that day did arrive – I would pack my bags, walk away, and never once look back.

Like they say – when you loose somebody whom you love too much, it hurts – even to look back.

Well, there was this one time though, when I was too stunned to walk away – but at the end of it, it only made me resolve to get that characteristic stronger. And I suppose I did get it stronger. I have often been asked – how could one be so unemotional? I did not know how one could be otherwise.

But somewhere along the road, things had begun to change. I am not sure if I was that naïve not to have noticed it, or if I was just pretending to have not noticed it. Although not very different, I knew I was not the same – when I had seriously reconsidered, if I indeed needed to take up a new job offer I had received, and leave behind everything I reason.

I did take up that new job. I did leave a lot behind me. And in little time, I was back to being unemotional me.

I could not have been more wrong.

Yesterday, I did not walk away. Instead, I stood right there and watched – because I could go no further. Teary-eyed, I could see the image getting smaller as it went farther – until it finally ebbed away into the expanse.

I still stood there, and looked in the direction, hoping to catch one last glimpse. I even wiped my tears, thinking it would help me see better. But no, I could not see what I wanted to see. Neither could I stop the tears from flowing.

Everything stood still – paused. The cacophony turned to silence. And my mind was stuck. Memories streamed by – in reverse – all the way to the beginning, until I could remember no more.

And then, the noise returned. I had to snap out of it. I took a couple of steps back. I did not want to turn away yet. But then, I knew I had to walk back. And so I did. As much as it hurt – I did look back. And I will always look back.

Maybe I am not that very different after all. I am human. I am me.

Not being able to forget somebody, is not quite the same as always being able to remember somebody.

This is to let you know, that you are being missed.

Breach

Funny thing about gravity is – its persistence to get back what gets taken away from it. The sheer abundance of it, and the subtle way in which it works – makes us, kind of, oblivious to its existence. When you think about it, it is not all that difficult to work against gravity – each time you pick an object up, you are going against the force of gravity. But of course, gravity does eventually get it back, because that is what it does. Neither does it ask you to acknowledge its existence, nor does it question you when you work against it. Gravity just holds everything together, because that is what it is supposed to do. Gravity is magnanimous.

However, gravity too does have its limitations - go too fast, or to far away from it – and then gravity has no choice but to let you go. But then, you need to accelerate to something like 9.81 metres per second square to do that. To put it down simply – unless you are hell-bent on getting away from it, you pretty much cannot get away from it.

Now, would it not be a wonderful thing if something like gravity would keep us people together?

I guess, we could say that, trust, in a way, acts like gravity among us people. But trust, unfortunately, does not have the perseverance that gravity has.

Trust is selfish. Trust requires you to acknowledge its presence and reassure its being. Trust is feeble.

You do not have to accelerate a great deal, or go all that far away to break away from the holds of trust. All it takes is – one action, one lie, one comment, or one hint of betrayal. And unlike in the case of gravity, you can break the holds of trust even if you did not intend to. Trust is awfully complicated.

The only area where trust probably gets the better of gravity is – restoration. Once you get away from the holds of gravity, there is virtually no coming back. However, there is a reasonable chance that you can repair the trust you have broken. But do understand that it does involve honest determination and a lot of hard work from your side.

It is true that in some cases the broken trust may never return to where it originally was. But then again, sometimes, it is better that it does not return to where it was. In the end, all that matters is to have the bond with trust reunited.

In my personal opinion, the restoration process should only make the bond much stronger. After all, no one values trust – as much as the ones who have suffered from its violation.

Broken? No, it’s cracked!

Of late, a lot of the conversations I have had with my friends have been revolving around the Bullet and quite frankly, I have nothing nice to say about that bike.

While most of them seem to believe that they are being a part of a cult or something by owning a Bullet, I just cannot seem to understand what exactly do these guys find in an over-rated, over-designed, underperforming and uncomfortable motorbike! And just so that you know – I am making that statement after having ridden a Bullet, and a brand new one at that. You know, my bum was resonating for a good thirty minutes even after I had gotten off that bike!

Anyway, that is my version of the comfort level of the bike, and I suppose it is just me! Here is an incident I want to share, about a friend who considered owning a Bullet as his ambition! You will kind of get an idea of what goes through these guys’ heads when they want a Bullet.

Now this guy had gone to check out a used Bullet with another friend and I met them once they got back.

Me: So, how was the bike?

Bullet Guy: Dude, it was awesome!

Other Guy: Dude, the chassis was broken!

Bullet Guy: It was not broken – it was just cracked!

Other Guy: The shocks were not working!

Bullet Guy: It was not like they were not working – it was just that they were stuck!

Other Guy: The bike did not even have a battery. The guy got one from another bike and got it started!

Bullet Guy: That is for safety so that no one would steal the bike!

Other Guy: Yeah, like anyone would even want to steal that bike!

So, you get it right?! Happy riding!

Colour Me Pink!

Have I ever told you how much I love the colour pink? Well, I love it more than I love kids!

Um, now that does not come up as a very good illustration. See, when it comes to kids – I just cannot stand them! But with pink, I certainly do not have anything against it – at least not when it is being used by a girl!

Pink is a girly colour! (So is peach, and lavender! And oh, until very recently, I did not even know that peach and lavender were actually colours.)

Now if you happened to disagree with whatever I said, here is a quick test for you – imagine if the background of this page were to be pink – would you not have thought that I must be a girl?!

Okay, now that I shut you up – let me get back to where I was going! I guess all you guys would agree with me that most girls look good in pink! So the obvious logical thing for everyone to do is just let the girls have it. Alas, we do not live in a very logical world, do we? Now picture this – I once saw a guy wearing a pink Kurt Cobain t-shirt! Should Kurt Cobain be glad he shot himself or what?!

Anyhow, in the last year or so, I have been bumping into so many guys (as in literally – guys!) who used to wear pink (and peach, and lavender) that I just could not help but tell them how girly it was. Initially, this stuff was just restricted to the guys, but eventually I started pointing this to the girls too. Soon enough, I was making a comment anytime I saw pink, anywhere. And trust me – I was annoying everyone with it! I had no idea back then that I would get it back some day!

So, I had mentioned elsewhere that I had changed my job a few months ago. Now the friends from work had thrown one hell of a farewell party for me. Had I known what was in store in that party, I would have chosen not to have the farewell and would have stayed back in the old job itself!

These guys had decorated the entire place with, mostly pink balloons and pink ribbons! And then some of the extra ribbons were stuck on to my shirt! Oh, I certainly will not get into the details of everything that transpired that evening, but I should tell you this – at one stage through the party, I was standing there wearing a very pink t-shirt, covered with a lot bling and holding on to a bunch of flowers! I guess I looked like a piñata that so needed to be whacked into oblivion!

I also received a little basket filled with an assortment of many girly things that night! Here is a partial list of the contents I found in the basket:

1. two pink lollipops.
2. one pink candy that looked like a lipstick.
3. one pink bubble blower.
4. one ZooZoo key-ring. (This did not have any pink, but there is a story behind it!)
5. one pink whistle.
6. one key-ring which had a pink elephant, wearing a flowery dress and bow!

What can I say – if I were a girl, I would have been the happiest girl in the whole wide world!

And yeah, one last thing – on their way out, they stuck some pink balloons on my bike!

I do not think I can have an evening as pink as that ever again! Anyway, at the end of it, I did promise the girls that I would not comment on any of the pink they wear from that day forward! And I must say – I have been fairly successful with my word!

PS: A friend had asked me to blog about this a while ago, but I never got around doing it. This post happened today because I spotted the pink elephant key-ring lying on my table!

Thank you guys, for that memorable evening!

Finally – the F word!

Warning: There is a dirty word used in this post!

Although I swear so much while talking, I have managed not to use a single swearword in my blog! Well, to be honest, it is just that I have been using milder forms of the curses in most cases, as the word in itself was not very critical to the topic. However, today is another day!

I am sure nearly all of us do use a few words, unnecessarily, in our everyday speech. Though most conversations could seamlessly flow without the use of any of these words, I feel that they just add a little bit of character, or flavour – if you can call it that!

Here are a few examples:

Who do you think you are – Neil freaking Armstrong?!

or

Oh yeah, I forgot you are freaking Albert Einstein!

See, you get the gist, right? It is just colloquial.

Now enough with the education, and let me come to the point. Though each one of us are assigned our work-stations at office and are expected to use only that machine, there are times when some of us need to switch, or use more than one machine. On one such day, I had let a friend use my computer to finish his work.

After a while, I figured I should remind him of my magnanimous gesture – and get something from him as compensation! While he failed to realise my sacrifice, I decided to show him who was the boss around there!

Me: Get off my computer, dude!

He: I do not see your name written here, mister!

Me: Oh really?! Are you fucking Ashwin Wilson?!

Okay, I figured out instantly that I was not going to like the answer to the question that I had just asked! And I guess he could not have done any better to shut me up!

He: No, but I would love to!!

Nice Guys Finish Last!

I was speaking with a friend a little earlier in the evening, and she reminded me of how nice I was!

I am sure you guys are in shock after reading the previous line! I was in shock too when she told it! Come on - now that is something like an oxymoron, right?! Me, and nice?! No way!

Well, it is not that I try not to be nice or anything; nor do I have anything against these so called nice guys. It is just that, there are a lot of hassles if you are considered as a nice guy. You are always expected to be, you know - nice!

Now, that should not be too difficult, right?

I have absolutely no idea!

Think about it – back in school if you were considered as a nice guy, you were expected to behave, and be a role model for the rest of your classmates. Ha, if you were to ask my classmates, or for that matter, my teachers about what they thought of me - I am sure they would all collectively agree, without a shadow of a doubt, that they thought I would someday end up in prison! Not their fault – back then, even I had thought that I would!

Anyhow, coming back to my point - just in case, you do anything, that is remotely unacceptable in the nice world, you would be damned. People would look at you like you need to be banished or something. They would probably say – Oh, I did not expect this from a guy like you. Not just that, even if you continue doing nice things, but if it is not as good as the previous nice thing you did, you would still be screwed! Get the point? Expectations are always very high (and rising), and you would have to live up to it. What a waste of time living your life satisfying others expectations!

On the other hand, consider that you are branded as a bad guy. People do not mind when you do evil things. They are like, totally okay with that. That is what they expect you to do! In fact, even a random act of kindness, or more to say, not-niceness gets you brownie points! So, you are appreciated for doing something neutral! Now that, is wonderful, right?

Anyhow, since I am considered to be a nice guy, I do know I have a few troubled days coming up ahead - and I am bracing myself for the ride!

Oh Crap!

Warning: The following post contains a lot of crap! Read at your own risk!

You know what? I am bored with all the crap that I have been writing here. Like come on, does anybody still read this crap? (As far as I know, I think just two guys still read it!) And yeah, speaking of crap, here is something that I want to share.

I first had this thought a few days back, and I somehow happened to discuss about it with a few friends today too. So, I might as well get all you guys (or perhaps the two of you) enlightened! And the thought is this:

No matter who you are, what you do, where you are from; you are all eventually going to end up as poop!

Seriously! Do you not believe me?

Sad!

Fine, may be I just have to prove it to you then! What exactly do you think is going to happen once we die?

Okay, stop it – I am not talking about going to heaven or hell! From what people tell me – I think I have no chance in hell, to make it to heaven! But I guess it would be quite an experience to meet Saint Peter at the gates of, uh, whatever! Ah, I am digressing!

So coming back to the topic, what exactly happens with our dead body?

Some of us may be buried, some of us may be cremated, and the lucky few – fed to birds!

And then what do you think is going to happen? Of course, anyone in the last category would very quickly realise that they are going to end up as bird crap!

Strike one!

Now the buried guys are going to decompose too, right? And from whatever little science I could grasp way back in school, I figure the process involves being consumed by tiny creatures. And once they eat – you are going to end up as their shit!

Strike two!

Now, the process with the cremated guys is a little complicated. Of course, the only stuff that remains after the incineration is ash. The ash is then disposed off in a river, or maybe even buried. Well, I suppose some fish does fancy eating ash. If not fish, I am sure there must be someone who would eventually eat you. Even if buried, you may be absorbed into the soil and blah, but you see, I can prove that you too would end up as crap, sometime or the other. I just do not want to bore you with all the technical crap, and scare you (two) away too!

So there you go – Strike three!

See, in the end, it all comes down to crap!

PS: I know that the lines at the start of my theory are like an absolute rip-off from a Backstreet Boys song; of course, with out the poop part! That is because I initially planed to write something silly about them, but I changed my mind! But just in case you still listen to them - you seriously should grow up!

Bedtime Stories!

Here is a question: what do you do in a loo? Geez, now do not get any ideas, alright?!

Well, you could take a leak; or take a crap; or maybe wash up. That is about it, right? And oh, just in case you can think any more things that you can do in a loo, then, good for you! But I sure hope, that ‘socialising’ is nowhere on that list!

Of all places, a loo is the last place for any kind of socialising. Like, come on! Unless, of course, you are a, uh, never mind! I think loos should be made like these ‘quiet zones’, like in hospitals – you walk in, do you job, and get out. Just keep your mouth shut (again unless you are a, you know)!

Anyway, there are a few guys in office, who I run into only at the loo. I swear, I have no idea where these guys sit! And these guys have to catch up on things since the last time they met you, and I so damn hate it!

The other day I was at the urinal, while this guy walked by and said, “Hey buddy, how is it going?!”

And I said, “Pretty effortlessly! Thank you for asking!” I sure hope he got it!

Now the second bunch of idiots, think that the loo is one big telephone booth! These guys can be divided into two groups – one, who actually answer their calls while at the urinal, or for that matter, while sitting on the crapper; and two (these are weirder ones), who actually walk into the loo to speak on the mobile phone! Do these guys need help, or what?

Ah, now I am kind of wondering as to why I wrote this crap, and also thinking about a suitable ending! And all I can come up with is – flush!

Goodnight!

Chivalry!

This afternoon, our coffee time discussion in office somehow spilled over to ‘chivalry’. I now realise it was a stupid thing for us to be discussing because, firstly, there was not a single girl in our gang, and secondly, coffee time is restricted to fifteen minutes these days, so we ought to be discussing better things!

Personally, I am not so much of a supporter of chivalry, although I do it sub-consciously, if you may please! I mean, if there is such a huge furore about guys and girls being equal, then why do girls expect us guys to be courteous towards them? I know a lot of girls (even the die-hard feminist types!) expect, or rather, demand the guys to be chivalrous! It is kind of amusing, right?! Now do not get me wrong, I have nothing against chivalry, or the guys who are chivalrous. In fact, I myself have held doors open to girls, and do help them while crossing roads, or clearing a path while walking through a crowded place.

Anyway, I think there are a few women out there who push their luck a little too far, with their expectation of guys to be courteous! I want to reiterate that I mentioned few, and not all! And I am not generalising anything either. Let me share two incidents, which affirms my above belief.

Scene I:

A friend and I were waiting in a queue at 10:15, to buy tickets for a movie that had begun at 10:00. And there were, perhaps, two guys ahead of us, and we guys were cursing them for being there! At this time, a lady with a kid walked up to us and smiled.

She: I have to buy tickets to this movie that has already started at 10:00. So would it be a problem if I get ahead of you guys?

My friend was about to let her pass us, but I had to intervene.

Me: And what do you think we are standing here for?!

She: Oh, are you guys waiting for the same movie?

Me: Yeah.

She seemed a little displeased, but then she had no option but to get behind us. My friend could not believe that I could be so blatantly rude, and pretended like he was not with me! He felt what I did was not right. Yeah, whatever!

Scene II:

I was waiting for buying lunch at the office pantry. The queue was particularly long that day. There were a few girls standing quite close to the start of the queue and one was standing right in front of me. Another girl came by, and started speaking with this girl in front of me. After a little yakety-yak she quietly slipped into the queue, without even bothering to ask me if she could!

Of course, I could not keep shut this time either.

Me: Hey, you know if you want to break into the queue, maybe you should go further up ahead and join those girls in the front. It is pointless breaking a queue and standing so far behind!

I was surprised she picked up my sarcasm! Oh, I think I now know why she stopped speaking to me!

So ladies, know where to draw the line! And yes, you are welcome!

Memory Loss

My short term memory these days is, not just bad; it is simply non-existent! I survive only on reminders on the cell phone! However, these reminders help only in few cases. At times I even forget which route I need to take, to go from one place to another! Sounds weird, right?!

So, when I came across this article a few days back (probably in the newspaper, or maybe some place else) that spoke about improving your memory, I felt I must make the best use of it. And after reading the previous line you can very well figure out that I have not made very good use of it!

Anyway, after all the science crap explaining the chemical reactions that take place in your head, I think it said that your memory is directly proportional to the amount of sleep you get. Now maybe that explains my situation! So, off I go to improve my memory!

Yawn!

Ironic

I guess I was in my final year of engineering, when I first had this thought of taking up a job, only in an Indian organization. Call it patriotism or stupidity, whichever one you prefer! And when I actually got placed in one such place, I felt like my prayers have been answered! In fact, I had chosen not to attend an interview with a US based MNC that was paying almost twice as much, just because, well, it was not an Indian corporation!

Anyway, after my initial orientation, I was placed in the Construction and Mining unit, wherein a large part of my job involved understanding and studying technology developed by Japanese and used in their machines!

About a year later, I was moved to the Hydraulics unit, wherein my job involved me to design and work on equipments for the mining industry using German made pumps and controls, and French made motors!

In December 2006, I was moved to the Engineering Services group. I now work for clients in the Mining and Earthmoving industry, primarily based in Europe and the United States!

So much for me wanting to work for an Indian company!

Signore, or is it Signori?

I do not know if the subject for this blog should have been this. In fact, I was wondering how to start this, and thought I could put in a few sentences that really has nothing to do with the blog!

Anyway, one thing that I have noticed travelling in Italy is that there are not many public urinals! None, actually! If you want to take a leak, you would probably have to go to a bar, order for a drink, and use the loo, if one is available! But then, since you have the drink, you would want to use the loo again! And the drink costs you a lot too! So that is not exactly a very good solution!

The only place where you can take a leak for free is, in the train stations. But then again, a few stations here do not have a loo! In fact, I had to cut short my visit to Sacile, because I wanted to take a leak! I had to catch a train back to Pordenone to take a leak that day! Can you believe that?! And you would be right if you guessed that not all trains here have loos in them! After this experience, the first thing that I do after getting off the train is, find the loo, and take a leak, if one is available!

Now, I visited a place called Gorizia last Saturday, with my friend. We walked down the platform, searching for the WC board, and thankfully found one. There were two doors, obviously, one for the guys and the other for the girls. The problem however was that there was no picture indicating as to which loo was for the guys, and which one for the girls! There only was a board that read Signore, over one door, and Signori over the other. Well, I assumed that Signore would be for guys, and Signori was for girls, simply because in Hindi, Ladka is a guy and Ladki is a girl! And similarly, in Kannada, Huduga is a guy, and Hudugi is a girl! So, I used the same concept here! If its ending with an i, its for girls! I told my friend about my brilliant calculation, but he was not very convinced! He somehow thought that it was the other way round!

Well, it was a weird situation for the two of us, wondering which door to enter! We were too scared to peep inside either of the doors! Anyway, after a little debate on who was right, we walked up to the Signori door. There was a picture (actually, it was a computer print out) of a man, who kind-of looked like Isaac Newton! Just beside it, was another print of a bald man! I was not too sure if it still meant that it was the guys loo, as there was no such picture on the Signore door. To me, the concept of Ladka-Ladki still seemed right!

In the end, my friend did walk into the loo that read Signori! And thankfully enough, it turned out to be the guys loo! So there you go, I learnt two more Italian words, and it was not even a workday!

I only wonder what would have happened in case my friend thought my concept was right!

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Yeah, so finally the Indian cricket team wins a test match! Congrats, to Kumble and his team! Now, can we please cut the crap?

Came back home last night and turned on the TV to find out that all the desi news channels were still running ‘live-special-programs’ some six hours after the match was over! Each one spoke about the ‘heroism’ and ‘great comebacks’ and what-not!

Heroism? As compared to what?

We Indians, are experts in making a mountain out of a molehill. Take for example the ruckus after the Sydney test. We huffed, and we puffed, and we threatened to withdraw from the tour, and we cried foul play and made it a national, or rather, an international issue! Sure, there were a few decisions by the umpires that went against the Indian team in that match, but then nobody’s perfect.

Moreover, it is amazing that no one has any complaints when the umpire’s decisions go in India’s favour, as it did in the Perth test. Mike Hussey and Andrew Symonds were both victims of poor decisions, yesterday. In addition, there were a few more instances in the earlier innings. Well, 71 runs is not really that big deal between these two batsmen. They would probably score that much on the way to the bathroom!

So, why isn’t any of the news channels talking about this? is it okay if the decisions go India’s way? In fact, a newspaper claimed that these decisions “evened out” what happened in the second test! Does that mean, ‘two wrongs make a right’?

I don’t think so!

Like it even matters what I think!

A chicken’s life!

Walked into the office loo this morning and had a shock! Well, it looked like a graveyard! There were dead moths everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Urinal included!

I was like ‘oh crap, what do I do’? Well, I did come here to take a leak, but how could I pee on the moths? I mean, would their souls ‘rest in peace’ if I did so? Or would I be haunted by the ghosts of these moths? And would they pee on me as payback?! That scared me enough to make me take a walk to the other loo. And the scene there wasn’t very different either.

Now there isn’t another loo that I could go to, so I had to pee on the dead moths! I kept thinking about the poor moths! What a life these guys have. This is when another thought passed by.

Just imagine how it is for a chicken, being a chicken. Poor guy must be worried all his life. Its not so much what happens to him while he’s alive he should be worried with. Obviously, he’s gonna be killed and cooked someday, but give it a little thought about what happens with him after he’s killed.

To start with, he’ll be stripped naked off all his feathers. His organs gutted out like it didn’t belong in there. Then he gets cut into many pieces and stuffed into a polythene cover. Finally, he’s deep frozen and shipped out.

So far, he’s had a bad time, but the worst part isn’t started yet. After all that torture, he’s going to be eaten, and finally passed through someone’s stinky rear! So much for his soul resting in peace!

Nice thought?!

Well, I think I can take a leak now!