Awakening

Life as we know it – is an imperfect vision of reality. I do not recall where I had read this, but at this moment, I cannot seem to agree more.

I had always believed that one among my strongest characteristics, was my ability to stay unattached to people. And if I were to look back, I can safely say that it has been quite essentially true. Now do not get me wrong – I would never say that I did not get close to the people I interacted with. I really did. But I was always practical enough to understand that – come one day, circumstances would make it imperative, that we go our own separate ways. And when that day did arrive – I would pack my bags, walk away, and never once look back.

Like they say – when you loose somebody whom you love too much, it hurts – even to look back.

Well, there was this one time though, when I was too stunned to walk away – but at the end of it, it only made me resolve to get that characteristic stronger. And I suppose I did get it stronger. I have often been asked – how could one be so unemotional? I did not know how one could be otherwise.

But somewhere along the road, things had begun to change. I am not sure if I was that naïve not to have noticed it, or if I was just pretending to have not noticed it. Although not very different, I knew I was not the same – when I had seriously reconsidered, if I indeed needed to take up a new job offer I had received, and leave behind everything I reason.

I did take up that new job. I did leave a lot behind me. And in little time, I was back to being unemotional me.

I could not have been more wrong.

Yesterday, I did not walk away. Instead, I stood right there and watched – because I could go no further. Teary-eyed, I could see the image getting smaller as it went farther – until it finally ebbed away into the expanse.

I still stood there, and looked in the direction, hoping to catch one last glimpse. I even wiped my tears, thinking it would help me see better. But no, I could not see what I wanted to see. Neither could I stop the tears from flowing.

Everything stood still – paused. The cacophony turned to silence. And my mind was stuck. Memories streamed by – in reverse – all the way to the beginning, until I could remember no more.

And then, the noise returned. I had to snap out of it. I took a couple of steps back. I did not want to turn away yet. But then, I knew I had to walk back. And so I did. As much as it hurt – I did look back. And I will always look back.

Maybe I am not that very different after all. I am human. I am me.

Not being able to forget somebody, is not quite the same as always being able to remember somebody.

This is to let you know, that you are being missed.